Post # 1
So my Maid/Matron of Honor lives out of state, and I knew when I asked her to take on the task of being my Maid/Matron of Honor she wouldn’t be able to attend or help with certain things. Well she had announced on Christmas she was expecting her first child. Later on that day I told her if all of this will be too much on you, you can totally step down from Maid/Matron of Honor duties and I would understand. She insisted she could handle everything. I also need to mention that she is the only one in my bridal party. Well since she has gotten pregnant she has like vanished. She won’t return calls, no skyping, & I have had to initiate all emails to her. I’m not asking her to make my wedding her life and I know she has alot of other important things going on too. But come on you can’t even communicate with me?
I noticed she had started to kinda avoid my emails. I asked her what was up and she admitted she didn’t have much money for my shower. I never expected her to pay for the whole thing in the first place. My mom is footing the bill for most of it. What kills me is, in this same email she tells me her and her husband are going on a babymoon to Cancun. Seriously!?! She has also been travelling out of state to go to other weddings recently too. So its amazing to me you have no money yet you can do all this other stuff. I know her husband makes mega money. So I had just said look I’m not asking you to step up financially but can’t you just be there for me? Like if I need a shoulder or help with stuff. I have put together my own shower, down to the invitations! She even RSVP to my shower! You as the Maid/Matron of Honor shouldn’t be RSVP-ing to this event you should be helping me with it! My shower has been more stressful than my wedding planning. I have done everything for it. Oh and did I mention we moved up my shower date up to accommodate her because of the pregnancy? She has not contacted me in anyway just to ask if she could help in anyway for it. I have paid for the rest of the shower because I feel bad that my parents are not only paying for my wedding but my shower too.
Then I have just come to find out that they are breaking their lease and are moving into a brand new house & purchasing all these new appliances for their home. What should I do? Should I email her & tell her I feel she hasn’t been here for me or just let all of it go? As time goes on I am getting more & more upset about the situation. Does anyone have any advice?
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
I wouldn’t put it on her– instead of saying she hasn’t been there for you (which will make her want to prove you wrong– something she obviously doesn’t have the time or energy to do) I would phrase it that you want to do her a favor– since she has SO much going on, you want ot lightne her load, and don’t want to bruden her with more obligations; so– you’re going to find someone else to help you with all of the wedding things and her your Maid/Matron of Honor.
It’s a tough situation, and it might cost you your friendship if she takes it personally, but the fact of the matter is– her priorities have changed (weather she’s realized it or not) and while you don’t need to be the top of that list; it’s not ok for her to put you at the bottom and still insist that she wants to be there for you.
Post # 4
I am so very, very sorry this is happening. It is clear, based on your facts, that money is not the issue. This makes me think it is an emotional issue, between the two of you. I would definitely go to speak with her or directly handle this to her face if at all possible. it sounds like she doesn’t want to be in the wedding, and I would explain to her that her actions definitely are indicating that.
Good luck. 🙁
Post # 5
i would tell her that what has happened so far has been very difficult for you. Let her know you need someone who has the time/money/energy to really help out. I would let her know she is welcome to stay on as a bridesmaid, but you need a Maid/Matron of Honor who will be there to help out.
Post # 6
I would focus on the friendship aspect rather than the money aspect. As much as it sucks because it’s hurting you, it’s her decision how and where she spends her money. I would let her know that you were hoping she could help a little more with the shower because there’s a lot on your mom and your own plates. You might want to give her another opportunity to bow out. Maybe the pregnancy and moving is taking up more time than she expected it to.
Post # 7
I’m sorry that I can’t agree with being upset because somene chooses to spend their money on themselves and not you. I’d not even jump to the conclusion that there is a deeper issue— maybe there is, maybe there isn’t, but just the fact that your friend has different priorities with hr money doesn’t automatically indicate there is something else lurking beneath the surface.
Post # 8
Its her choice how she spends her money, I mean can you really expect her to spend money on your shower or wedding instead of a new home for her growing family? Also, you should not be throwing your own shower. If nobody offers to throw you one then you go without not host your own. Maybe someone else in your bridal party can throw you one?
Post # 9
@juliette.eliza: I’ve given her 2 separate opportunities to back out with no hard feelings at all from me; she turned both down and proclaimed she still wanted to be the Maid/Matron of Honor. I don’t really feel I’m making her load heavy since I haven’t asked her for anything and she has not done anything. This also includes the wedding planning; she hasn’t been hounded by me for anything. I should also mention she is not only a friend but my first cousin as well. I also feel kinda stuck cause at the same time I was asking her if she wanted to step down she asked me to be the God Mother. Again I’m not asking her to make me her #1 priority at all but just be here for me. It doesn’t take that much energy to make a phone call or write an email. Thanks for your advice though.
Post # 10
I’m sorry you’re in this position. But I wouldn’t want you to lose a good friend over this. I think you’re doing the right things by focusing on wanting her support.
I think the real culprit here is bad timing. When my best friend had her baby there was a period of time when I didn’t hear from her and she canceled a couple get togethers. I knew that it was totally reasonable with the new baby, but I was still hurt. But I just gave her some time and space and once she got her life back into some assemblance of order, we started hanging out again and now we’re closer than ever. So, normally, my advice would be to just give her time and she’ll come around. But this pesky wedding is getting in the way. So I think you need to take a look at priorities and expectations (for both your wedding and your continued friendship). Many brides don’t have showers or don’t have Maid/Matron of Honor planned showers. That’s okay. Figure out what your minimum requirements are for her being your Maid/Matron of Honor and then have a gentle discussion with her. Be honest. Tell her that you understand that she’s going through a lot right now (frankly a house and a kid are a lot bigger deal that a wedding) but that you want to be able to count on her for your wedding and talk about what you can expect from each other. Avoid blame at all costs. Try not to make her defensive. It may not be easy but I don’t think it’s worth losing a lifetime of friendship over a shower.
Post # 11
It might sound a bit harsh, but I agree with fishbone and Ballet. Getting mad at a friend for not wanting to spend money on your shower and instead choosing to spend it on herself and her family and her home is not really justifiable.
Post # 12
@fishbone: I’m not asking for her money. I told her that wasn’t what I was looking for in all of this. I’m not out for her money. I would just like a phone call or email asking how things are going and if she can help with anything.
Post # 13
I understand your frustration with her lack of commitment but could she maybe feel not supported by you? A wedding is a huge life thing to have happen but so is having a baby. In terms of money, that is her choice on how to spend it. Your wedding is important but so is getting her life ready for the birth of her own child.
I would say make the decision and tell her in the nicest and most caring way possible that she is relieved from Maid/Matron of Honor duties.
Post # 14
I am very sorry you are going through all this. There’s always gotta be some type of wedding drama. If I was you, I would stop contacting her, and gracefully remove her from her Maid/Matron of Honor position. You don’t even have to tell her or give her any explanations. Don’t even mention it on the shower or refer to her as your Maid/Matron of Honor. Simply stop trying to get in touch with her to make her part of whatever is left of the wedding planning and shower or to let her know what’s going on. Just, let it be…be kind to her..but let go of having her as your Maid/Matron of Honor. A Maid/Matron of Honor should be worth it to stand next to you on your wedding day, and unfortunately she is showing she is not.
I will not have a Maid/Matron of Honor precisely because I don’t believe I currently have a friend worth having stand next to me on that day, and I feel good about that. I really don’t care…
If you guys have the whole bridesmaids, groomsmen, best man, etc. you can choose someone else that has earned that position. If all this is not that important to you guys, then just don’t worry about having one. Just my humble opinion. Good luck with everything, no more stress over it 😉
Post # 15
@Ballet513: She was throwing the bridal shower in the begining then backed out. In my first post I stated my mom is paying for most of it. When I say Im doing it that means I am getting everthing ready for it. I didn’t ask her to spend any money that she would spend on her child on me and again I’m not looking for her money I’m looking for her help.
Post # 16
@JenGirl: THANK YOU! Thats all I want from her is a phone call or email. I haven’t gotten anything no contact unless its me calling or emailing her. I told her when we talked about the shower that I just needed her emotionally. I thought it would change after that talk but it hasn’t.