(Closed) Wedding Shower HELL

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

I wouldn’t put it on her– instead of saying she hasn’t been there for you (which will make her want to prove you wrong– something she obviously doesn’t have the time or energy to do) I would phrase it that you want to do her a favor– since she has SO much going on, you want ot lightne her load, and don’t want to bruden her with more obligations; so– you’re going to find someone else to help you with all of the wedding things and her your Maid/Matron of Honor. 

It’s a tough situation, and it might cost you your friendship if she takes it personally, but the fact of the matter is– her priorities have changed (weather she’s realized it or not) and while you don’t need to be the top of that list; it’s not ok for her to put you at the bottom and still insist that she wants to be there for you. 

Post # 4
1330 posts
Bumble bee


I am so very, very sorry this is happening. It is clear, based on your facts, that money is not the issue. This makes me think it is an emotional issue, between the two of you. I would definitely go to speak with her or directly handle this to her face if at all possible. it sounds like she doesn’t want to be in the wedding, and I would explain to her that her actions definitely are indicating that.

Good luck. 🙁

Post # 5
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

i would tell her that what has happened so far has been very difficult for you. Let her know you need someone who has the time/money/energy to really help out. I would let her know she is welcome to stay on as a bridesmaid, but you need a Maid/Matron of Honor who will be there to help out.

Post # 6
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would focus on the friendship aspect rather than the money aspect. As much as it sucks because it’s hurting you, it’s her decision how and where she spends her money. I would let her know that you were hoping she could help a little more with the shower because there’s a lot on your mom and your own plates. You might want to give her another opportunity to bow out. Maybe the pregnancy and moving is taking up more time than she expected it to.

Post # 7
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m sorry that I can’t agree with being upset because somene chooses to spend their money on themselves and not you.  I’d not even jump to the conclusion that there is a deeper issue— maybe there is, maybe there isn’t, but just the fact that your friend has different priorities with hr money doesn’t automatically indicate there is something else lurking beneath the surface.

Post # 8
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Its her choice how she spends her money, I mean can you really expect her to spend money on your shower or wedding instead of a new home for her growing family? Also, you should not be throwing your own shower. If nobody offers to throw you one then you go without not host your own. Maybe someone else in your bridal party can throw you one?

Post # 10
9551 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m sorry you’re in this position. But I wouldn’t want you to lose a good friend over this. I think you’re doing the right things by focusing on wanting her support.

I think the real culprit here is bad timing. When my best friend had her baby there was a period of time when I didn’t hear from her and she canceled a couple get togethers. I knew that it was totally reasonable with the new baby, but I was still hurt. But I just gave her some time and space and once she got her life back into some assemblance of order, we started hanging out again and now we’re closer than ever. So, normally, my advice would be to just give her time and she’ll come around. But this pesky wedding is getting in the way. So I think you need to take a look at priorities and expectations (for both your wedding and your continued friendship). Many brides don’t have showers or don’t have Maid/Matron of Honor planned showers. That’s okay. Figure out what your minimum requirements are for her being your Maid/Matron of Honor and then have a gentle discussion with her. Be honest. Tell her that you understand that she’s going through a lot right now (frankly a house and a kid are a lot bigger deal that a wedding) but that you want to be able to count on her for your wedding and talk about what you can expect from each other. Avoid blame at all costs. Try not to make her defensive. It may not be easy but I don’t think it’s worth losing a lifetime of friendship over a shower.

Post # 11
1182 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It might sound a bit harsh, but I agree with fishbone and Ballet. Getting mad at a friend for not wanting to spend money on your shower and instead choosing to spend it on herself and her family and her home is not really justifiable.

Post # 13
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I understand your frustration with her lack of commitment but could she maybe feel not supported by you?  A wedding is a huge life thing to have happen but so is having a baby.  In terms of money, that is her choice on how to spend it.  Your wedding is important but so is getting her life ready for the birth of her own child. 

I would say make the decision and tell her in the nicest and most caring way possible that she is relieved from Maid/Matron of Honor duties.   

Post # 14
14 posts
  • Wedding: November 2012

I am very sorry you are going through all this. There’s always gotta be some type of wedding drama. If I was you, I would stop contacting her, and gracefully remove her from her Maid/Matron of Honor position. You don’t even have to tell her or give her any explanations. Don’t even mention it on the shower or refer to her as your Maid/Matron of Honor. Simply stop trying to get in touch with her to make her part of whatever is left of the wedding planning and shower or to let her know what’s going on. Just, let it be…be kind to her..but let go of having her as your Maid/Matron of Honor. A Maid/Matron of Honor should be worth it to stand next to you on your wedding day, and unfortunately she is showing she is not.

I will not have a Maid/Matron of Honor precisely because I don’t believe I currently have a friend worth having stand next to me on that day, and I feel good about that. I really don’t care…

If you guys have the whole bridesmaids, groomsmen, best man, etc. you can choose someone else that has earned that position. If all this is not that important to you guys, then just don’t worry about having one. Just my humble opinion. Good luck with everything, no more stress over it 😉

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