(Closed) Wedding + Soon-to-be-Med School student + fiance who only works part time = ?…

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 18
194 posts
Blushing bee

When my DH and I got engaged, some very dear mentors to us told us there would always be a reason NOT to get married at that current moment…need for more money, less school, health, wealth, etc…

And yes, things have quite meager our first couple of years together, but I wouldn’t have wanted to do it without him!  If you two want to be together I say go for it — of course those things can be tough, but working through it together will be worth it!

Post # 22
5399 posts
Bee Keeper

i don’t quite understand all the negativity here. i don’t really see how having a ring on your finger and a piece of paper is going to change your relationship. you’re going to be busy and stressed if you are married, engaged, or dating (or single for that matter) during medical school. there are 3 girls from my sorority in medical school currently who are all married and seem to be doing better than ever!

i’m planning to get married before i start medical school in a couple of years.

Post # 23
307 posts
Helper bee

OP, it is absolutely fine to live off of your loans as a medical student, esp if your tuition will be covered by the military (Are you planning to do the military med school or do a civilian and have them pay?) I would check in with a med school financial aid office near you regarding independent status and loans – I forget how it works for married people. I have kids which made me an independent which allowed me to get the maximum amount of subsidized loans.  I imagine that if you get married it may be BETTER for your loans because you will be independent (from your parents who have money) and your husband will have a LOW income (this is one of the few times when this may be to your advantage).

For those recommending waiting/working, traditional medical education is pretty much going to be loans. Period. It is unrealistic to think otherwise unless  parents are rolling in the dough and willing to pay for it. Most people live off their loans – this is something you expect when you sign up for med school.  It is a waste of time to work first to try to save money given the extremely long length of training. 

In terms of getting married, I don’t see anything wrong with having a small budget wedding if you are both ready, esp if your parents are paying for it.  Medical school is a big undertaking and it requires a lot of you. It is really important to continue to prioritize your family and relationships.  Money is not really the most important issue here. Given the very long training period and long debt repayment period (average is 13 years where I am), it is unrealistic for people to wait just because money is an issue.  I am not saying that OP should just go to town with the credit card but a small shindig is not too much to ask in the face of the Beast of Medicine. 

Good luck OP! Best wishes!

Post # 24
307 posts
Helper bee

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@zomgwut: “You can’t have kids, you can’t have dates or do fun things because you are literally in school or studying all the time.”  

I did all three of the above things. Lots of people get married and pop out babies – they also have time for fun…they start NGO’s, travel, compete in sports – you name it, people do it! Med school is a lot but you learn to deal with it – there were rough times but overall it was a wonderful experience! 

Post # 25
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@BlondeMissMolly:  i don’t really see how having a ring on your finger and a piece of paper is going to change your relationship. 

I think all of that is fine– the negativity was for the dress, the reception, the big wedding.  I think the OP can get married anytime she wants! (That said, marriage is much more than a piece of paper and I hate seeing people generalize it like that.)

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@tenacity:   I am not saying that OP should just go to town with the credit card but a small shindig is not too much to ask in the face of the Beast of Medicine. 

I’ll agree with you there. I don’t think the OP should give up every dream of her wedding, but I also think putting 20k into a day would be unwise when she’s looking at hundreds of thousands in loans. 

OP, the military sounds like a great option, I’d look into if they have a cap for how much they’ll pay you back?  Or go to one of their schools!

Post # 26
5399 posts
Bee Keeper

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@bookworm88:  yikes you have definitely not understood my point. my point to the OP is that if she has a serious, committed, monogamous relationship with someone, whether or not they are engaged or married or dating should not change their committment. stated a different way, my relationship with my SO will not be any more “real” when we have some piece of paper that says it’s real. it is real RIGHT NOW and will be real regardless of how other people view it. i will not expect my SO to change in any way to be my “husband.” he is already everything i could ever want and more. so having a piece of paper that says that is really quite menial to me. I already know what we have and so does he. anyone can get married, but not everyone has a supportive committed relationship, piece of paper or not.

OP, my point to you is that if you want to get married, go for it! if your parents are paying for a wedding, it doesn’t change your financial situation otherwise, and will not make you and less or more able to handle the challenge of medical school. you can still go on dates and do plenty of fun things, and that won’t change if you’re married or legally single.

Post # 27
22 posts

Qouting Diana Evans Owen, the original poster.

“So here’s the dilemma:We are supposed to be getting married the end of this year, pending that we both have enough income to be stable. The original plan was for us to get married, then for him to finish school first before I start med school, but we’re not sure how long that will take- it could be another 2.5 years! We’ve already been together over 6.5 years and have just been waiting to get married because of money and other legit personal struggles. We’ve been engaged for 8 months and neither one of us wants to wait too much longer, so I’m wondering if it is at all possible to live on my med school loans while he continues to work part-time… or is it common for schools to allow the option of deferring med school acceptance for reasons like this? I am not accepted yet, but I’m trying to think ahead before beginning my application tomorrow. Do we have any option other than just waiting another x number of years for him to finish school?”.

Many Bees have offered their advice, that I happen to agree with and you take offense. Hey, take the money that your parents are willing to put towards a wedding and apply it to living expenses while you both finish your studies. Go to the Justice of the Peace and marry without any fanfare. It’s done all the time.

Then I read what you said next;

“so I’m wondering if it is at all possible to live on my med school loans while he continues to work part-time… or is it common for schools to allow the option of deferring med school acceptance for reasons like this?”.

I think you’re on the wrong site if you expect an answer to that question and frankly I’m shocked that it would be an option. Where I come from getting into premed is almost impossible.

Post # 28
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Hi! I am a veterinary student and am getting married soon, so I have some idea of what you’ll be getting yourself into. I won’t get into how much easier you’ll have it only having to learn one species Wink

“so I’m wondering if it is at all possible to live on my med school loans while he continues to work part-time… or is it common for schools to allow the option of deferring med school acceptance for reasons like this?”

I don’t know about deferring acceptance. I wouldn’t chance that. Like PPs said, sometimes it takes a couple tries to get in, and if this is what you want to do with your life, I wouldn’t risk losing admitted status.

I live off a combination of loans and money I earn on breaks. It sucks, but that’s how it is. Trying to work and go to professional school is not a good idea. Whether your loans + his job can cover you probably depends on your area to an extent, but I think it would be do-able. Fiance is also working a combination of part-time jobs.

In my case, we are fortunate that our families have contributed enough for us to have the (modest) wedding we want, plus have some money left over. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

As for the school and divorce thing — most of my classmates are married. Many have children. They make it work. I know of students that have gotten divorced in school. From what I have seen, school isn’t going to tear apart any couple that is committed to one another. The ones that got divorced would have gotten divorced or had miserable marriages regardless.

Post # 29
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

WOW op I haven’t seen such rude responses in a while, and I like to think the bee generally isn’t like that.

First up she said they don’t want to wait much longer so I think I will refrian from givng a response on that!

Second most people do live on loans, I think the fact that your Fi does two jobs should be enough to support his self as a student.

Third I know plenty of med students and yes it’s common that they support themselves with school loans, I think you guys will be living paycheck to paycheck, and as long as you are realistic and and on the same page about money, and make smart choices it will work itself out.


Post # 30
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@diana.evans.bowen:  Can’t believe I didn’t see this post earlier! My DH is finishing his 2nd year of med school, and we got married the summer in between 1st and 2nd year. Honestly, he didn’t plan any of our wedding because he is literally studying 14-18 hours a day. If you’re the one in med school, it may be easier on you to do the wedding before you start, because med school is  an all-consuming beast.

To the poster who said you stay in one place for 4 years, that is entirely dependent on your school. We got lucky because we didn’t get placed in a rotation in a different state (which was not up to us, by the way, it was a lottery system). But that’s only for his 3rd year. 4th year elective rotations can be anywhere, because you do *essentially* month-long interview rotations at places you want to do your residency. I’m lucky that I have decent job experience in Finance and will likely be able to find work anywhere, but your spouse’s career is kind of at the mercy of your schooling (unless you decide on doing an LDR). Just my experience so far.

I think about 95%+ of medical students get student loans. They have you budget your living expenses into these loans, because you will absolutely not be able to work while in school, there’s no humanly way possible if you want good grades. I even know one couple where the husband is the student, and his wife is a Stay-At-Home Mom with their child.

From all the people I’ve talked to (med students, current physicians), the general consensus seems to be that if you want to embark on a life event (such as a wedding, having kids), there is really no ideal time to get it done. So if you want to get married before school, go for it! Actually, my DH seems to think him and his married classmates are at an advantage over the students that aren’t co-habiting (or married) because they have more time to study. This is probably a huge generalization, but I do all the grocery shopping, cleaning, errands, etc. I don’t love doing all that myself b/c I work full time as well, but if it means he can focus on his studies and get great grades that will hopefully set us up well in the future, I can make that sacrifice.

Wow sorry for the novel. Good luck OP! PM me if you have any questions!

Post # 31
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with all of the ladies who have actually been in med school or have their other attend med school. It is tough, and you do kind of give your life to them. Scrimp, save, and live as cheaply as possible now and your loans won’t take a massive hit because of living expenses. My fiance’s on a full scholarship, but we’ll STILL have to take out living loans for our cheap living.

We’re getting married after first year because we didn’t want to schedule around Step 1. 

There is a difference in your relationship after you get married, no matter what anyone says in a post. You mentioned you guys haven’t lived together, (we haven’t either) so I expect that to be a massive change for the two of you. …And then med school wil hit you like a ton of bricks once you’ve gotten used to that change.

It’s sad that someone even mentioned how they thought that most couples broke up or divorced. There are groups for significant others–I know cause I’m in one!–that work to handling the stress that comes with medical school. Some people can’t handle it, but couples know what they’re getting into.

Don’t put off med school, it’s a long process that will benefit from beginning earlier. We’re using our savings, too because that’s what we’ve been SAVING for.

Once again, take advice from those who have actually been through the process, not the haters.

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