Wedding Traditions – Sexist??

posted 2 years ago in Traditions
Post # 61
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I think the good thing is that nowadays you can choose what you like and ditch what it doesn’t.

Let’s see:

Proposal: Is saying “I’m thinking we could get married” while driving a proposal?  If the answer is yes, he proposed.

Engagement Ring: No ring at all.

Asking for the hand: My hand, as well of any other part of my body is mine.  I told my parents we were getting married. I didn’t ask for blessings or permision. I just informed them.

Wedding bands: We are getting thoses but we have choosen each one the one we liked. They are a present but if they weren’t we had split the cost

Veil: No veil, I don’t like them.

Someone walking me down the aisle: I just don’t have that concept. Here the tradition is that the father of the bride walks with her down the aile. And the mother of the groom walks with him. In our case, my fiancé is walking with he’s brother and I’m walking with my nephew. See the difference “walk with someone” not “walk  someone in”

White dress: I’m getting that one. I happen to like white. I don’t expect anyone to believe I’m a virgin because of that. 

Tossing the bouquet:  I don’t know what I’m going to do with it  but there’s no way I’m doing that.

Chaging my name: Hell no, and  it’s not even legal here since 19th century.  

 

Post # 62
Hostess
8478 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

haghenveien :  Out of interest where do you live that you legally can’t change your name? By The Way, I am in total agreement with all of your points. My SO and I have discussed getting married. We are going to pay for my ring together, he is going to get a ring. I am not going to change my name and I hoping both my parents will walk me at the wedding. Also, my SO knows he if asks my Dad for permission I ain’t marrying him, but he is more than welcome to visit both of my parents and ask for their blessing (not that he needs it but he wan’t to ask)

Post # 63
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I told him the only man’s permission he needed to get was my dog’s. He got it.

Our proposal was a long process of discussions about what we wanted for our lives and when. Eventually it ended in a single question, but to say that’s all there was to it would be a lie. I think modern “proposal culture” gives people such a warped idea of how to make responsible life choices.

I also made my own ring. With my hands. I taught myself metalsmithing a few years ago when I was frustrated that I didn’t like most of the affordable rigns on the market. Now I have my own Etsy shop and an engagement ring that is 100% mine.

But I also think we all need to be careful about passing judgement on other women. Traditions stem from a long history – and yes, that history is undeniably sexist. Undeniably. But if a modern bride acknowledges that history, and still decides that she’s super close with her father and would like his approval to be a part of her proposal, that doesn’t have to be sexist at all. That’s just about her relationship with her father and a choice that she got to make for herself. There’s nothing more empowering than making (educated!) choices for yourself.

Post # 64
Member
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

We incorporated pretty much every sexist tradition in the book lol, even though DH and I are both liberal feminists. There’s no denying these traditions (DH asking for father’s blessing, white dress, cathedral length veil, father walking me down the aisle, changing my name, etc.) are sexist, but we still did them! I just couldn’t get my panties in a wad over it.

ETA: the only “sexist” things we didn’t do were the bouquet toss and the garter thing. But that was mostly cause I feel like those traditions are just so awkward for all involved.

Post # 65
Member
824 posts
Busy bee

One tradition that grinds my gears is the crap about asking parents for permission. I actually spoke with my SO about this– I’m in my late 20s, he’s in his early 30s, we’re both adults, neither one of us need permission to do anything, he sure as hell doesn’t need permission from my father to marry me. Sure, inform the family about your plans, but nobody needs permission. First thing my mother said when I told her we were talking about marriage was, “He needs to ask your dad first!” Uhm, no. He does not. We’re not playing that stupid game.

I will not be wearing a veil. I won’t be tossing my bouquet– I’m paying for that thing to be made, I’m not throwing it to anyone. Not doing a garter toss– I think it’s stupid. Personally, if I had it my way, I wouldn’t even have a bridal party. Sorry, but none of my female friends are people I consider close enough to be *in* my wedding, and I don’t have sisters, so… if anything, I’m probably going to have to hijack some of SO’s female friends to stand in since their husbands will be his groomsmen. 

Post # 66
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

It is not like it was before though, it’s changed a lot. In the old days women were far more dependent on men because most didn’t work, especially financially. Women needed to get married, and were pressured by parents. Nowadays there’s far less pressure because we earn money and have our own place in society. Equality and all that jazz (well, almost). But if I’m honest, there were still some assumptions from my family that I would get married. Staying single is certainly not the norm.

Post # 67
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

We didn’t do any of that stuff you mentioned! I didn’t have an engagement ring, because I do find that that sexist. It didn’t occur to me for us to both get rings, or I might have floated that idea.  My sister walked down the aisle with me, and our officiant pronounced us “married partners.” I did wear white because it’s one of my best colors and makes me look very tan. 

I actually had never heard of the asking for permission thing before I got on Weddingbee.

 

Post # 68
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

We’re skipping a few on the grounds of finding them sexist:

  • I’m not taking his name
  • Not wearing a veil
  • Not doing bachelor/bachelorette parties
  • My parents are both accompanying me
  • I’m not tossing the bouquet and I don’t even know what purpose a garter serves…

I guess – like one of the previous posts said – it’s good that we are not forced to do or endure anything we don’t want, and we get to attribute a new meaning to traditions we want to maintain. 

Post # 69
Member
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

We found it all very sexist too so we did what we could to bring our wedding and indeed relationship into the 21st century. I understand why couples will keep old traditions in, I just hope that they understand why those traditions are born from patriarchy.

We pooled our money very early on so essentially we both bought the rings. We each have engagement and wedding rings.

We discussed getting married – there was no surprise proposal.

We picked the rings out together.

There was no anyone’s permission!

We walked the aisle together.

We had honorary best people but no speeches or rituals.

No hen/stag night (couldn’t be bothered, did stuff together instead)

We each kept our own name.

I am Ms, not Mrs. Men just have Mr so why do women have Miss, Ms, and Mrs to tell the world of their marital status?

No garter or bouquet toss.

He helped me pick my dress and went to the fittings with me.

We spent the night together the night before and got ready together with our photographers and a couple of family members.

I wore heels and was noticeably taller than him – gasp! Poor emasculated man.

And so on. I did wear an ivory dress but that was because I wanted to.

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