(Closed) Wedding turned way too stressful

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 49
Member
7 posts
Newbee

Sorry to hear the trouble that you’re having. Personal view is that you should have your wedding the way you both want want it and if that’s to elope then so be it. I think we forget the key thing here – the choice to marry is one made between you and your partner. Not your parents, siblings or friends.

What if you were never going to get married but live a long happy life together regardless? There would be no wedding to see and people wouldn’t believe you to be any less committed to one another, nor would you put up with them telling it would make them happy for you to get married. So the same principle applies here.

We should live and let live. I’d be questioning the opinions of siblings – they may be impressioned by the fact your Mother-In-Law is upset and weighing in as a result, because honestly, if my siblings and potential sibling-in-laws were offended that I ran off abroad to get married, I’d tell them to get a grip. I’m close to and love all of them, we socialise frequently and I count them as best friends as much as I do siblings, but they’re not living my relationship for me here. I’d like to think whatever they chose to do I’d be happy for them, whether it involved me or not, therefore it’s not too much to ask for the same level of respect in return.

Parents I get are a slightly different kettle of fish. They’ve raised you, they probably dream of sharing these happy moments. I’m not saying siblings don’t because all families are different, but generally relationships with parents are that they live through you – your happiness ignites theirs, your sadness drives theirs too. And because of this, sometimes they might provide their opinion right where you were hoping they wouldn’t have an issue.

For me, I think as long as you are expressing what is driving your decision (it’s been your dream, you see this as more cost friendly) and really hit home that this isn’t about excluding anyone, you can get through this – because does your SO’s Mother-In-Law perhaps think she’s not invited?

Perhaps if you’re open and honest and express that money is an issue here in not having everyone along, they might want to join on at their own cost just to be with you. They might even buy into the idea that you want something small and private, and you’d love them to join you, but X would be the cost to do so. You could also make some focus on getting her extra involved in things like buying the dress / planning etc. 

Either way, before you have these conversations, your SO has to be involved. He needs to express what he truly wants, and you need to come to a compromise / firm agreement here first. Then you have more power in negotiating the situation, otherwise it will be all too easy for his family to claim it’s you holding the puppet strings and then things could turn unfriendly. You mention you’re both the youngest and I don’t think this helps – I see my SO’s mum and even my own mum place a lot of admiration on the youngest and there’s a bond there which is just different (no resentment, I’m a bossy eldest child haha – I know my place in family dynamics!), so there’s going to be some expectations when they come to get married I’m sure.

I really hope it works out for you. Keep us updated 🙂 x

Post # 50
Member
8486 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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melissaaproffitt:  I’m not sure where you came up with $1500 for ceremony costs. The license costs $70 and regarding a ceremony, this is from https://arcc.sdcounty.ca.gov/Pages/marriage-civil.aspx

CIVIL MARRIAGE CEREMONY

Marriage ceremonies can be performed during regular business hours, by appointment only, at our Downtown San Diego, San Marcos, Chula Vista, El Cajon, or Kearny Mesa offices in a private ceremony room. Our ceremony rooms will accommodate the following number of guests:
• Downtown San Diego: Up to 15 Guests
• San Marcos: Up to 20 Guests
• Chula Vista: Up to 15 Guests
• El Cajon: Up to 10 Guests
• Kearny Mesa: Up to 15 Guests

In addition, at the downtown location, ceremonies may be performed outside on scenic County grounds overlooking San Diego Bay. Outdoor ceremonies are by appointment only, weather permitting, and subject to staffing availability. You will need to provide a witness. If you do not have a witness we can provide one for an $18.00 fee.

The fee for a civil marriage ceremony is $88.00. Please call early to make an appointment for both your license and your civil ceremony. The appointment number is (619) 237-0502 for all three offices.

So you could be done for under $200, meaning the financial argument still doesn’t make sense. It sounds like you just want to get married in Italy, which is fine — you can want whatever you want. But trying to make it sound more reasonable by saying it would be less expensive when it would actually be much more expensive (<200 vs >5400), that hurts your cause rather than helps.

 

Post # 52
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

If you guys have your heart set on eloping in Italy – do it.  What’s selfish is if anyone else tries to tell you how you should be getting married to meet their expectations and trying to guilt you into bending to their will. You guys getting married is not about them. It’s about the two of you starting your lives together as husband and wife. 

Post # 53
Member
472 posts
Helper bee

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melissaaproffitt:  Why not book the restaurant that you already investigated for the reception– but do a very simple marriage ceremony right there in the restaurant before the dinner?! Then you and Fiance can jet off to Italy for the honeymoon. Sure, it wont be a big, fancy wedding. But you were never going to have a big, fancy wedding.

TBH, I’m not seeing the problem. Get married in the San Diego restaurant (simple ceremony, with guests sitting at dinner table), immediately eat dinner in that same San Diego restaurant, then fly to Italy for honeymoon.

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