- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
Fiance and I have been together for 3 years, living together for 2. We started out as best friends that evolved into more. For both us, we questioned our sexual attraction at first and to this day, have never had great chemistry. We maybe have sex once a month and neither of us really want it that bad, but both of us please ourselves regularly. That being said, his convictions and beliefs are similar to mine, he’d be a great dad (and I’m getting major urges to start a family), he’s super intelligent, he balances out my personality (I’m a fiery and passionate extrovert who’s the life of the party and he’s the calm, rational one (most of the time), and he’s the most affectionate and supportive partner that I’ve ever had. Both of us have had our struggles with mental illness and been there for each other. He’s been there for me through really dark times and I feel indebted. I’ve been on medication and seeing a therapist for two years and he was on medication and seeing a therapist for a year.
A few months ago, he started getting really really depressed and saying that he hates himself all of the time and he hid from me (even though I knew it) that he’d stopped taking medication and going to therapy. Once I confronted him, he said that managing his mental health is too hard and that he’s just “damaged” and I should leave him. He’s currently trying to exercise to feel better and it’s working, sort of but he’s extremely negative all of the time. He spends hours on the computer obsessing over news and political blogs and lamenting with what’s wrong with the world and it really gets to me. Granted, there are a lot of wrong things going on the world, but I try to focus on the positive, what’s right in my world, while engaging in volunteer activities to make change possible.
He has been lagging on the wedding planning and has yet to ask anybody to be in his wedding party or do simple tasks, like get addresses (I worked with his parents to get the rest). He doesn’t have any friends, so he’s supposed to ask his sister and boyfriend to be part of his Wedding Party, but when I remind him he gets mad and says that he’s a loser that has no friends and that I’m the popular one, so I can just have the entire Wedding Party to myself.
Then, last night as we are addressing wedding invitations at his parents house, he drops the bomb on me (in front of his parents) that he’s not going to professional school next year. He works a service job, which he is very vocal about hating, and our plan for the future was for him to attend professional school to be a paralegal after getting his Bachelor’s degree and I’m getting my Master’s degree in May. He says he will just find a desk job or nonprofit job or something. This is pretty unrealistic, because he has no office experience and these jobs really don’t pay much more than he makes right now. I just got a new job in my field and everything was going as planned. He says he’s not ready for school now and may not ever go back, but we can still start a family (which is very important to me). How are we going to do that with hardly any money? My student loan bills will very soon be upon us.
Other red flags:
My best friends think marrying him would be a big mistake and say that I’ve worked so hard on our relationship and on myself, while he refuses to grow. They say I should find someone who inspires me and brings out my passion, rather than stifling it.
Many of my other friends say they “don’t see it” and that we are just too different.
I know I love him deeply, but I’m not sure that a relationship should be this much work. I keep repeating the refrain to my friends “relationships are work, commitment is work”, and always write them off as infatuation junkies, but I find myself in the position of being my partner’s only friend and confidant, therapist (talking him out of hurting himself), motivator, mother (constantly having to remind him to do things and ask over and over again), seducer (sole initiator of sex, however infrequently it happens), and breadwinner (I work two jobs and go to grad school, he works 20 hrs a week and goes to undergrad school).
My wedding invitations are sitting on the desk, just waiting to be mailed and I can’t get myself to do it, because I feel like I might be making a terrible mistake. We’ve spent over half of our wedding fund (our parents pitched in for it) and live together, so breaking up is going to be very very very difficult. God, I don’t know if I’m being unsupportive and I should just stick it out and be there til the end or if I should end it. It’s hard to trust my gut, because I can be very impulsive and influenced by my friends decisions (my BFs think I should end it).
What do y’all think?