Post # 1
We were set to get married in 3 1/2 months and all of a sudden fiance got cold feet or something. He was excited to get married but i think the reality of it set it. There are a few things that he wanted me to change and I hadn’t I guess (never really told me flat out he wanted me change some things and work on them) and i think he’s just using those as excuses. He decided to call off the wedding and I agreed b/c I don’t want either of us to be unhappy to start out a marriage. We’ve been togehter almost 10yrs. If all this stuff bothered him before you would think he would have broken up with me before if it was really that big of a deal to him. Hence my reasoning why I think those are just excuses. (they are a couple things i want to work on tho and change). We had decided to take a break for awhile but then he came home late one night and apologized and wanted to work on things…that many years is a lot to just give up on. So, we are trying to work on things but i feel sometimes its just me doing the working and changing. He’s been somewhat distant and always has his phone with him so that’s making me paranoid (he’s never been much of a texter) Should I be paranoid? Or should i trust him and give him his space? We do live together..we own a house. I’m not sure what is the best approach to take. try to keep talking to him to see what’s going on or give him his space and let him come to me? it’s hard since we do live together.
Post # 3
I am sorry that this has happened to you. I have gone through the exact situation and understand how hard it could be. Take some time and figure out what you need and want. Stay strong and feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or need to talk.
Post # 4
That’s a tough spot. Maybe ask him if there is something stressing him out or bothering him in something that is just him – a new boss being rude, maybe he went to the doctor recently and found out he’s overweight? It might just be that somethig is bothering him internally but he hasn’t told you yet. If not, you may have to be sneaky and see if someone can find out for you.
Or, there is always the counseling option, but I don’t think it’s that serious yet.
Post # 5
You’ve probably already heard this what seems like 1000 times, but better now than after you get married. The day after our wedding my ex-husband decided that there were lots of things about me that needed to be “improved.” I don’t know what it was about getting married that made him think I would morph into the type of girl who deep cleaned every inch of the house or wear makeup everyday. Ya know, what you saw before the wedding is what you’re going to get. Take it or leave it. But having just gotten married (and spent a boatload of my parents’ money in the process) I felt trapped. You might have just dodged a gigantic, missle-sized bullet here.
Post # 6
With the bit about the phone, just simply ask to see his phone next time and see what he says. Say you can’t find your phone and need to make a call. If he acts weird, refuses, etc, then you may have your answer.
My fiance and I broke up due to many things. He kept going back and fourth with wanting it, wanting me to change into perfection.. nobody is perfect in every way, etc.
After I just had enough and left, within days he was enjoying the single life, if you know what i mean. He went back and re-visited his past, realized it wasn’t what he really wanted, and we ended up back together.
People tend to get cold feet, freaked out, etc., about marriage and “forever.”
Find out the real reasons for his “cold feet” and go from there.
Listen to your gut and figure it out.
Best of luck!
Post # 7
@alwaysfancy – Thank you! How did you get through it?
@sugaree – i hear ya…i’d rather not go into a marriage if he isnt 100% sure!! he’s always had a negative feeling towards marriage and told my friend..years ago..that he probaby would never get married. Seen his parents divorce and dad divorce again so I get it. BUT we aren’t them and I never pushed him into marriage. I was perfectly happy and content with how things were before. He wants me to change..become better with money (i agree there), become more aggressive in “that” way (shows that I want him)..i am shy for whatever reason when it comes to that. I have been working on it but he’s been distant with me lately. Not sure how to get back to how it was before and him wanting me!!! I cant be the only who is trying to work on this relationship and myself..he needs to as well.
Post # 8
Coming from someone who has worked through a lot in her relationship… You do need to be willing to change you and you do need to work on that yourself… But you do it for yourself, not because he wants you to. It needs to be your decision or you won’t be happy about it. If you feel forced then talk to him, ask him to give you the chance to fix yourself. You also need to have a serious conversation about what HE needs to do because I promise you – its both of you. He needs to WANT to fix things with you because he loves – no other reason.
He could be distant for a number of reasons but it could be something as simple as the stress from the relationship troubles. Not talking in fear it would cause another arguement was one i’ve heard from mine during that rough time a few years ago.
Once he agrees to work on himself and what he needs to fix then you can do the same and work on you. It takes time – don’t expect it to change right away. Part of it though you just need to accept each other the way they are…. no ones perfect. He’s either worth it or he’s not. Give each other some space once in a while, have date nights or time to reconnect, and find something to do to have fun together. Laugh at each other and make jokes… just have fun… you’ll be surprised the power of laughter.
Post # 9
10 years…and you still aren’t the person he wants to marry? sounds like deep down he doesn’t think you are the right person, but he loves you and is scared to lose you. so he is keeping you both in limbo land….
Post # 10
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Take it from someone who’s going through something similar, my wedding was supposed to be September 29th and a little bit over a month ago, he called it off.
As much as I hated hearing, “It’s better that it happened now…” or “Everything happens for a reason…” it’s all so true.
Have you ever thought about going to see a counselor? Getting outside perspective can help in this situation. How is he communicating with you? I think it’s a bit more difficult since you guys do live together and own a home together. What I would say is to go two months without an communication with one another so you guys can figure out what YOU guy. This is a time for you to reflect on yourself and start being selfish. If he’s not willing to try to work on things and is hiding stuff from you, then it’s better you found out now. You deserve someone who knows 100% that they want to be with you.
Stay strong. Also, if you need to talk PM me anytime. 🙂
Post # 11
I would want to know about this sudden need of his to be tetherered to his phone all the time. I’d just ask him about it. Not that I would expect a truthful answer so much as to gauge his response.
If he overreacts, that will tell you plenty.