(Closed) Weddings aren’t important. WHAT????!!!!!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

Well, he is kinda a shmuck 🙁 Sorry for his insensitivity :(. Maybe he’s just trying to make it less than it is so he won’t freak out about it? Or maybe he feels pressure from his friends to downplay it?Or else he’s bothered by the amount of money spent on one day?

However, the day I had my girls is much more important to me than my upcoming nuptuals, so I get him there 🙂

I would have another talk with him, my man loves planning and is super excited for our wedding, so it is not a “all guys hate the wedding day” thing.

Post # 4
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

Okay, I am going to start off by saying, that I do think he has made some valid points; however, I also think he should have either been gentler when voicing those points to you or kept them to himself.

That being said, I think most guys feel this way. They just go through the process because it iw what their bride wants. I also think that once you get going with the planning he will probably become more excited about the planning and the actual day. Just don’t overwhelm him with stuff. I would give him some choices, rather than having him do things on his own. That is what I have been doing with my Fiance and it has worked well for us.

Post # 5
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

awww what a debbie downer.  I think that once he’s actually faced with it, he’ll enjoy it.  My guy is super excited about the wedding and what it represents.  and he’s having a really fun time planning.

I hope your guy will come around.

Post # 6
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I think it depends on the person and the situation.  I know a lot of people who feel that weddings are a waste of money and the money that is used on a party could be used more practically (say, down payment on a house).  I’m not saying they’re right or wrong … I’m saying it depends on your POV. 

Our (mine & DH) POV was that a wedding (full blown) was a waste and would’ve been just a huge “show” because of our circumstances.  We didn’t think it was appropriate to have any kind of full blown wedding but our circumstances were different.  We had 3 kids together before getting married. 

Our JoP quickie wedding with only our immediate family was far more intimate and meant so much more to us than a full blown wedding with lots of people.  It ended up being exactly what I wanted and I wouldn’t do it any differently if given the opportunity. 

Your fiance is accurate.  A wedding isn’t important.  A marriage is. 

Post # 7
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t think Darling Husband was very excited about the wedding, but he was excited about being married-definitely the most important thing! Maybe as you start planning there will be specific things he gets excited about, like getting to have fun with friends he hasn’t seen in a while, the groomscake, a particular tradition, the bachelor party, etc.

I will say that while I don’t think the majority of guys get excited about the wedding leading up to it, I haven’t met a groom who hasn’t had a great time at his. Now, Darling Husband talks about how awesome of a time he had at ours without reservation. I’m sure your Boyfriend or Best Friend will love it.

Post # 8
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Your man is right that the birth of your children will mean far more than your wedding day, but on everything else is is really wrong.

Most married men I know don’t like the wedding planning it stresses them out and they could care less about what color the table runners are, but ALL of them have enjoyed their weddings. What’s not to enjoy, really? You get presents, you drink with your friends, you dance till midnight and then go home with the woman you love! For men, the wedding seems to really be just a big party with like six stressful months leading up to it.

I think you should tell him how you felt about this. Just, you know, calmly explain that you get what he is saying that one day really doesn’t change anything, but explain to him why it is important to YOU. And maybe that you want him to be happy and ask him how you could make it so that he isn’t just “tolerating” a day you have been dreaming about since you were a little girl. Maybe he just has a lot of preconceived views of weddings and you can show him that the wedding can really be whatever you as a couple want.

Post # 9
Member
5786 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree that the birth of your children will rank higher than your wedding but I really have no idea what he is talking about saying men don’t enjoy their weddings. All the guys I know had a BLAST at their weddings. I know my Fiance is excited about our actual wedding day.

Post # 10
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

With 15 months engagement total, I find out 3 months before the wedding that Fiance would’ve preferred destination or eloping but didn’t say anything because it was obvious I wanted the whole wedding thing.  He hasn’t participated that much and now when I ask him what he is mostly looking forward to about the wedding, he tells me Jan 17th.  A little joking but mostly not.  He doesn’t like to see me stress.

Your Boyfriend or Best Friend could’ve said it differently but I think most guys feel the same way.  I’m sure he’ll find a few things that really matter to him.

Post # 11
Member
3613 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My husband says our wedding day was the best day of his life. My ex used to say the same thing, even after our divorce. Your bf doesn’t know what he’s talking about and just running his mouth like men do sometimes. Just brush it off for now. He will come around and I’m positive he will feel differently when it’s his own wedding.

Post # 12
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I completely understand how you feel.  I felt that way when I learned (early in the relationship) how much my now-FI dislikes weddings.  We have made lots of compromises in wedding planning, because he HATES most things associated with weddings. He doesn’t like parties; he hates being the center of attention; he doesn’t like the expense; he doesn’t like the pressure and the rituals and everything else.

But. The wedding itself, the actual ceremony, is TREMENDOUSLY important to him.  And that’s actually why he dislikes so much of the other stuff – he feels it takes away from the enormity and intimacy of two people pledging themselves to each other.

Realizing that his dislike of weddings is actually a function of how much he values the act of marrying me made it much, much easier for me to talk to him about how the wedding was going to go, and to reach compromises. 

So, for instance, although I would love to have tons of people, and he would love to have exactly 2 – him and me – we made a rule that everyone we invited MUST be personally close to one of us.  So we have a guest list of about 80.  He understands that it would break my heart not to have my loved ones there when we wed; I understand that he doesn’t think a wedding should be a performance for people the couple barely knows.

I don’t know if that’s how your guy feels, but if so, it might make it easier for you to come up with solutions.

Post # 13
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

My fiance says, “I am getting married, my bride is having a wedding.”

I think many guys are not as into “the whole wedding thing” as many women are, but they still want the experience (aside from the planning) and the marriage. You can – and should – have your nice wedding and the celebration that you’ve been dreaming of and planning for and he will enjoy it. Try not to be “crushed,” perhaps just a little disappointed for a minute or two and then remember that he is still marrying you, which is really the point of it all, and you get to celebrate with all the people who matter to you.

Post # 14
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Not everyone likes weddings, nor does everyone have to like weddings. I don’t want a wedding at all, I want a marriage. Unfortunately for me, my SO is very traditional and eloping isn’t an option for him. So here I am planning this silly wedding that I don’t even really want. I think you have to respect his opinion on this, he doesn’t have to like everything you like and you can’t really “make” him.

Post # 15
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i think there is some truth to what he says about how guys feel.  i never once expected my Fiance to be as excited about the wedding as i am. and he is admits he is not, but that he has “positive feelings towards it”. i think that is all i am going to get!

but let me tell you that i totally know how you feel, because when my Fiance was still my Boyfriend or Best Friend, he said something similar to me. he was a little more tactful, but the same meaning was there.  he also threw in that he is ALREADY committed to me for life and the “marriage” was just unnecessary paperwork!  yes that made me happy and upset all at once, i am sure you can imagine!

so, like you, i always dreamed my Fiance would have as much fun at the wedding as i do. But i had to realize there is a reason that women do the planning, women go to the bridal shows, women dominate these message boards!  BUT i also decided that i was going to get what i want the most, even if it meant sacrificing some other things i wanted. and what i mean by that is this:  What i want the most for the wedding is for Fiance to have as much fun as i do.  So to do that, i had to find out what he didn’t like about weddings that made him have this idea that weddings are only for the bride (not the groom), yup he said that too, like yours did.  

So, i found out he doesn’t like huge parties, he didn’t want the pressure of his large extended family being there, he didn’t want to be bored dancing all night (he hates dancing actually), and he didn’t want it to be overly fancy.  lucky for both of us, i always dreamed of getting married on the beach. So, solution = destination wedding!  small and laid back – good for him. beautiful and romantic – good for me.  Basically, i found out he didn’t like big, fancy, hoopla weddings, so we are not having one…..and now he is actually looking forward to our wedding!

so i think you can do the same. By no means am i saying to have a destination wedding, but find out (without harassing him too much at once), what he likes and doesn’t like about weddings and plan it so you are both happy. One good way to get the info you need to ask him what he thought of other weddings he has been to. and what was it about them that he liked or didn’t like.

i know how it upsetting it is, but it can work out and you can have an amazing wedding that you will both be happy with!  just remember, here is something i learned since being engaged and it applies to the groom as much as any other friend or family member: “no one will be as excited about your wedding as your are”  but that doesn’t mean they will not have fun and have an amazing time once they are there!

 

EDIT: oh and for the “waste of money” part, my Fiance is also exactly the same.  Just remember, if you are doing the planning and he doesn’t want to be involved in all the details, then he also doesn’t need to be directly told the cost of all the details  😉   my Fiance has overall figure of what its costing. but if i told him, for example, that i am spending $200 on invitations, well he might think i am crazy.  actually he once suggested we invite people through facebook because its cheap and efficient!

Post # 16
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m like Bostonsmom – the wedding I’m having isn’t what I would have chosen for myself. But weddings, and marriages, are not just about one person. They’re about the couple, the family, the community, etc. And I share a lot of your FI’s opinions about marriage, even though I never would have talked about them in the way he did, which frankly makes it seem like he was going out of his way to hurt your feelings.

Basically, I think it is a HUGE waste of money, but I’m going through with it for the people I love. It also isn’t MY money, for the most part, which may be what’s freaking your Fiance out. I also think that it can be a wonderful, wonderful day, and I’m really looking forward to our wedding now, when I used to be dreading it. But who wants to have the best day of their life when they’re 25? Not me. 

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