Post # 17
If the wedding day really was “the most important of your life” it would be kind of depressing, wouldn’t it? It’s all down hill from there? Nobody wants to peak in their 20s or 30s. Your Fiance is right to say that the best is yet to come, but he should have put it a rather more gently especially since I’m sure he knows most ladies get very excited about it!
“Very few people find someone to love and be loved by'” – I’m sure in your heart of hearts you know this isn’t true! The vast majority of people experience this wonderful exchange of love. It is the most common human experience, besides birth and death. You will share your wedding day with thousands of other brides around the world. Once you start booking vendors you’ll find this out – you’re just one of dozens (even hundreds) of women in one town all planning similar events.
That’s not to say your wedding day is not special or important – but what makes it so, is the relationship and partnership you’re beginning with your husband. This is kind of wordy, but maybe when you’re talking with your bf about these things, don’t use the “W” word – instead refer to it as “the day we begin our marriage.” If you put the emphasis on the first-day-of-the-rest-of-our-lives bit and downplay the party aspect, he should understand that it IS an important day!
Post # 18
@lovebird1981: He was rather blunt about it, but made valid points. Some people forget that the wedding is suppose to reflect the couple and go overboard. My Fiance is excited about the wedding because we aren’t going for the traditional wedding that looks like everyone else. I’m not making him wear a stuffy tux. I’m not making him wear flowers. I’m not making him do anything he really doesn’t want to.
I think the men who feel like weddings are a waste of money are getting married to women who only see WEDDING and really don’t think about the MARRIAGE. Also men who feel like that are probably the ones getting shut out of planning and not being asked what they want for their wedding.
maybe you should sit down with him and really ask him why he feels this way. Ask him what he wants for his wedding and promise him that you won’t lose sight of what’s important. I can tell you right now that if you plan on having children, then your wedding will not be the most important day of your life. I couldn’t imagine saying a party is more important than giving birth to your child.
Post # 19
He didn’t say it in the best way, but….he’s kind of right. The COMMITTMENT is important, the wedding is not so much. What matters is the actions, not the party. And I agree with him – creating life is a much bigger deal than wearing fancy clothes and dancing all night. Now, I really enjoyed my wedding. But it is not OMG The Most Important Thing In The World. I have a LOT of other “Best days of my life” yet to come!
Post # 20
Very few people find someone to love and be loved by
to be honest this isnt true – there are more and more people getting married (and divorced and then remarrying) these days so obviously alot of people are finding someone to love
He went on to say that for him the day when we have a child will rank higher in his book….To me my wedding day will be the most important day of my life.
i think your guy has his priorities right – for me getting married is whats important, the wedding day is just a part of the process and it seems he has a common sense attitude to life
maybe if you broke down the planning of your wedding day you can find something he is excited about – maybe music or food or cars are his thing and he can play a bigger part in those
Post # 21
I’m sorry that he was so blunt with you. I’m sure if he had brought it up a different way it might not have crushed you so.
My Fiance is NOT sensitive, not emotional and very collected. He and I actually had a similar conversation shortly after becoming engaged when I was stressing about the wedding date (it seems so silly now… but still. We tend to freak out over little things sometimes. And we don’t even have a date yet, 4 months after my little breakdown). Anyway, he basically told me that he didn’t really care about the wedding, it was all for me, and he was just along for the ride.
Sure, that hurt my feelings. I got irritated. I REALLY wanted him to be just as excited as I am, even though I know he doesn’t care about dresses, flowers or all the planning that goes into a wedding. I cried. I wasn’t sure if he really wanted to go through a wedding either and for a little while I thought about not having a “traditional” wedding. But I talked to him. I asked him if he still wanted to get married. He said of course he did, but that he couldn’t get into it as much as I could because he was struggling financially and we are paying for the wedding almost all on our own. In the end, I gave Fiance a little something to research, music. He LOVES music. So he’s putting together a list of all the songs that we like for the wedding.
I would try talking to him. Let him know that the way he said what he said upset you and how you feel about the wedding. Perhaps that will help and he will open up. And like PP said, see if you can give him something to be happy about and that he can get involved in. It might help.
Post # 22
My husband and I both agree that the birth of our children will be the most important day in our lives. Also, maybe the day we met…that’s what was also important! I think everyone feels different about weddings, but they are only ONE day and it’s a ton of money. My husband was very supportive and so happy on the day of our wedding and so excited to have me be his wife, but he didn’t help one bit with the planning. Which most women said I was lucky, I got to make all the decisions with my mom and his mom. It was great:) Try not to be too hard on him, but definitely tell him why it upset you and your concerns. Maybe he was just venting. Being open and communicating is the best thing you can do in a relationship.
Post # 23
I have to say that I was not into having a wedding really, I just wanted to elope and be done with it. I’m very practical by nature, and although I love celebrating other people’s birthdays and weddings, I hate being the center of attention and I don’t really care for ceremonial stuff when it I’m the focus of it. I’m also pretty frugal/cheap, so throwing a wedding was definitely not a priority to me when that money could more practically be applied towards a mortgage.
To be honest, now that I’m on the other side, I’m glad he pushed for the whole shebang. Even though wedding planning ended up being pretty stressful, being surrounded by the people that love and support us as both individuals and as a couple – it meant a lot to both of us. Maybe your bf is not gungho about the wedding itself, but I’m sure the sensitive side of him will be affected the day of, especially if what the wedding symbolizes (lifelong commitment to you) is important to him. I wouldn’t worry about him not enjoying the wedding – as long as he sees you and everyone you both love having a great time, he will too. He might just not realize that yet. 🙂 My husband definitely had more foresight about how important the wedding was than I did, and I’m grateful for it.
I also agree whole-heartedly with other posters about having him take ownership of some aspect(s) of the wedding, so that he doesn’t feel like he’s just going along with whatever you want, and so that wedding reflects both of your tastes.
Post # 24
he has a point. the wedding day isn’t nearly as important as the marriage, and i think some brides get so caught up in having the perfect wedding that they forget to prepare for the actual marriage.
you should talk to him about what kind of wedding you want — something small at home? a dw? just go to the courthouse? tell him that weddings don’t have to cost $50k, and make sure you’re on the same page.
Post # 25
Thanks all I feel so much better. @mightywombat and purpleunicorn your FIs are just like mine.