Post # 17
Nope. Not that it wasn’t about two families coming together, because it was, but it was about us. We were not about to start our marriage (that’s between the two of us and no one else) with a wedding that wasn’t us/what we wanted. People pushed for a religious ceremony and we said no very politely. People pushed more and we said no again. They pushed more and we stopped talking about it. It’s fine that having a religious ceremony is important to some people, but having a non-religious ceremony was important to us and not up for discussion. I was not about to pay for and be upset about my own wedding.
And you know what? Everyone had a great time. We were very happy with how everything came together. We got lots of compliments on both our ceremony and reception. Everyone got on very well, even DH’s divorced parents and grandparents–FIL called our wedding a “strong olive branch” for past hurts. I call that a win.
We’ve been to weddings before for non-religious couples that ended up being religious and it was…weird. Uncomfortable. Disingenuous.
Post # 18
@jesssamesssa: Thank you for your thoughts. I’m actually not sorry about the wedding that I’m having. I’m definitely anxious and stressed about it and wishing we could fast forward to the honeymoon, but my overall point is that my feelings aren’t the only thing that’s important. Our parents’, families’, and friends’ feelings are all important too– and I’ve made a decision to put theirs in front of mine in many cases in the wedding planning.
This was a conscious decision of how I would handle the wedding. I’m not now, nor have I ever been, a pushover. No one manipulated me into having it this way. I’m also not suggesting that it’s the right approach for everyone, just that it’s turned out to have been the right choice for us.
Post # 19
@OUgal0004: Our situation is like this, too. My family just does not care about the wedding. My mom hasn’t helped at all. In fact, she asked me if i was sure I didn’t want to elope. They spent my small family engagement get-together (the closest thing I got to an engagement party) talking about my sister’s impending divorce….
Post # 20
@bride12713: Weddings are about give and take. Im not a pushover either and many people began to realize that. I have incorporated things into the wedding that others want. But in terms of the literal, the wedding is not about the bride, its true. Ours is about us and there are several things added that the families wanted that we liked and welcomed.
Post # 21
We see our wedding as being about us foremost. Without the bride and groom, there wouldn’t be a wedding. And we are the ones who will have to look back on our wedding day and either love or hate the memories. Our families will attend dozens of other weddings throughout the years. But we only get one wedding that’s truly ours. So we want it to be genuine and true to us as a couple.
Post # 22
Hmm, I actually understand what you’re saying. This has been our approach toward the wedding from Day 1. That being said, everybody’s wedding will be different, and I don’t necessarily view our attitude toward it as the “correct” or only way to get married.
We’ve also been fortunate to have both of our families contributing financially. Had they not, we probably would have just done something very small and private, because it wouldn’t have been feasible to do it any other way.
@KH: I like your motto. 🙂 Very accurate, at least for us.
Post # 23
@bride12713: Marriage is about the couple (and so are elopements). Weddings are about guests.
Post # 24
I am not planning my wedding yet, but I figured if I have one it will be for our families. They will definitely want to celebrate with others. I don’t care too much as long as we get married.
Post # 25
We would’ve just eloped if not for the knowledge that it would devastate our families if we didn’t include them. We still kept it small but we compromised on a lot of things outside of the content of the ceremony because we came to understand that it was about more than just uniting us two; it was about uniting two families.
Post # 26
I don’t really even know where to start on this topic. When did getting married become about the guests? Isn’t it the bride and groom who are getting married? I mean, family and friends are there to support you and watch you start this very special part of your life but the ceremony at least is for those who are getting married. The reception is to thank the guests for coming and joining you.
But to be honest, if we could we would have nixed the whole reception and just had a ceremony and maybe dinner. I just wanted to marry my husband and then celebrate with just him. Almost everyone in my family was just completed focused on themselves. We just had certain things at our wedding because we had to please our families. That just isn’t right to me. We should have just done we wanted because no one cared anyway.
Post # 27
Our wedding was very much what myself and Darling Husband wanted, but that does not mean we were selfish and just did we wanted because it was OUR day – everyone in our families fully supported our decisions, and if there was anyone who didn’t like anything, we didn’t know. So I guess it depends on if you have a supportive family or a “I want my own way” family.
Post # 28
I don’t agree that weddings are about two families coming together. My family is my family and my husband is his. When we have kids, they all will by our kids’ family. But my parents didn’t ask to be related to his parents, and the other way around. I don’t think they owe anything to each other or are responsible for each other in any way; the way that my husband and I are for each other, or my parents and I are, or his parents and him are.
So, I guess, different strokes for different folks.
Post # 29
Weddings should not just be about the bride and groom in my opinion – they are a lifecycle event for the entire family and community! There is nothing wrong with not wanting a huge wedding, or being nervous about what a big deal it becomes, but there is a degree of narcissism that is catered to by the wedding industry (“it’s all about YOU, bride!”) that I think misses the point of what should be a significant life event for more than just the bride and groom.
Post # 30
My wedding was not my wedding. It was my MIL’s party where people got married at the beginning. I wanted to elope. Darling Husband wanted to elope. His mother did not want us to elope. He gave in to his mother because he didn’t want her to resent him. I still resent him for giving in. This kind of thing is hard to let go.
ETA: Sure, we only had 43 guest at our wedding but I never, ever wanted it and I would have never regretted not having one.
Post # 31
@bride12713: My wedding in January isn’t about me or even Fiance. Tiny elements of it are, sure, like our super awesome cake/cupcakes that I designed myself with the baker. But for the most part, it’s FI’s parents’ show. But they gave us about 90% of our wedding budget (for the wedding, not for Honeymoon or anything) so I’m ok with it. My choice was the courthouse and a weekend camping blowout, their choice is a semi-formal/cocktail wedding reception in the middle of winter in the downtown area of our city… So… that’s what they get. I get my awesome Fiance, they get the wedding *shrug* I get the better deal, anyway.