Weed, trust, and boundaries – help

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Your lifestyles do not align.  It’s OK not to feel comfortable with marijuana and for that to be a deal breaker.  People break up for reasons far less controversial. 

Hope you find the right partner for you! 

Post # 3
2397 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

He keeps lying to you. Are you ok with that? Because that would be a no-go in my relationship. Weed smoking would also be a deal breaker for me. 

Post # 4
1134 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

Seems to me your needs and his make you two incompatible.

Worse even: he lies to you. 

Sorry, bee.

Post # 5
9718 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

It’s absolutely absurd to me that you are staying in this relationship. You should have been done a long time ago.

There are plenty of great guys out there who don’t smoke weed at all and you wouldn’t even have to deal with this. It’s not self-centered to have dealbreakers and given that this has to do with your mental well-being it absolutely should be.

It just shouldn’t be this hard to be in a relationship.

Post # 6
1095 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

If you have a problem with weed, then don’t date someone who smokes weed. I don’t have a problem with weed, but I would still have a problem with someone who is smoking more than once a week. That is excessive and will interfere with your life. Also, he is lying and hiding drug use. These are problems unto themselves. Leave. 

Post # 7
112 posts
Blushing bee

First of all I’m really sorry that you’re going through this.

Weed would be a deal breaker for me. I’ve been married for nearly 16 years and out of my circle of friends I’ve watched a bunch of them having to deal with this problem. There is a lot of baggage that comes along with weed and I can tell you from what my friends have been through it only gets worse. If he is hiding it from you it’s a big problem. Trust is a big factor in a relationship as I’m sure you know. He needs to get help to quit or unfortunately your relationship is going to suffer.

Post # 8
7905 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

dealbreaker, and that’s ok. 

Post # 9
2973 posts
Sugar bee

So you’re drugging yourself and going through all this to accept a partner that smokes weed and lies to you?

Are we to assume that if you broke up with this dude and started dating someone else, who doesn’t smoke weed, your need for meds and counseling would go away?

If that is indeed the case, what are you doing? Altering your life and your own body for a guy who can’t even bother to be honest with you and keep his word.

Perhaps you need counseling to figure out why you’d allow yourself to be treated like this, versus counseling to acccept weed. 

Post # 10
3882 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m sorry for your situation, but it’s ridiculous that this has been going on for 10 years! You are working SO hard to be ok with something that clearly should be a dealbreaker for you. You two just don’t align on this issue and you need to break it off. It’s ok to not want you partner to smoke, and he’s obviously not going to stop. The fact that he’s lied to you over and over again is terrible. I really can’t believe this has lasted so long. For your own mental health you clearly need to move on. There are great guys out there who don’t smoke or lie.

Post # 11
6782 posts
Busy Beekeeper

People are very quick to dismiss weed as an actual addition,  but many people do view it in that way. 

Tbh it sounds like your fi is addicted and cannot move on from it. If this not something you want to deal with (realistically for the rest of your lives) then it’s time to move on.

fwiw all my friends and all my h’s friends smoke,and A LOT. But us two are fine being the odd ones out, it literally has not been an issue in all 12 years.

Post # 12
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Hugs, Bee. I think the dishonesty is very typical of any kind of addiction, and is feeding your anxiety (understandably so). Just because a lot of people are okay with weed doesn’t mean you HAVE to be. And just because lots of people do it without getting addicted (or so it seems, I don’t know) doesn’t mean he did not develop a dependency, which is having and will continue to have an impact on your life and relationship . I really think your wellbeing will be best served by breaking up with this guy. You sound great – anyone with a willingness to work on themselves (to an extent, you might be going too far!) has what it takes to make the right relationship succeed. But honey, this one aint it! 

Post # 13
1411 posts
Bumble bee

You aren’t compatible. You really should break this relationship off because there is no compromise that will make both of you happy in the long run.

Honestly, you shouldn’t have even started because quitting any type of habit is hard and can only be done if the person wants it for themselves and not to achieve some other goal. Basically, it was extremely unlikely that a person could quit a 10 year habit just because they wanted to be with you. Take it as experience and find someone who’s great, doesn’t lie to you, and has the same values with regards to drugs. I promise those guys exist.

Post # 14
4552 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I had an ex who had a daily habit. It wasn’t ok with me either.  The issue is both your incompatibility on this issue and his continued deception. It doesn’t bode well, sorry.

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