- 2 years ago
Hi everyone, my first post, looking for some outside perspective. For refrencee, I am 25 and he is 30.
My boyfriend has been a daily pot user for the majority of the last 10 years. He only does so privately as he does not like the social image connected with weed, but feels he needs it in order to function at his best.
Without going into detail, I have a very visceral panic reaction to weed. I wish I knew why and I wish i could control it. I am currently in counselling to try to learn how to cope and regulate my reaction.
Within the first month, I learned about his pot use and told him while i thought he was a wonderful man, i have a challenging personal relationship with weed so could not date him.
He told me he’s been wanting to quit and has been tapering down and that this was just the motivation he needed to do it. So we continued dating, and he did quit!
At the 1 year mark, this changed. He wanted to resume smoking. I pannicked, and reitereated how signifcant of an issue for me it is. He agreed not to smoke, but this became an almost weekly conversation and he did secretively smoke = huge emotional roller coaster effect on the relationship.
In november 2017, i broke off the relationship, largely due to the impact of weed on my mental wellbeing. He wrote a big letter back emphasizing how unimportant weed is, he dosen’t care about it and will absolutely stop. We got back together.
After that, i kept seeing weed paraphenilia around, but we’d had a big talk about honesty being the #1 priority and he kept promising me he wasn’t smoking. A couple weeks later he smoked while I was in washroom, leading to him admitting that he’d gone back to full blown smoking. He said his use was out of control.
We had a big talk and came to a compromise that he said would really help him: he can smoke once per week. If he smokes more then that, he tells me so we can openly talk about it.
Since then, i’ve been working hard to be cope with the once a week useage. I am in a doctor refrered mindfulness course, DBT practice, on anti-anxiety meds (began in oct in response to the anxiety around this), and in 1-1 counselling. For his part, he has his day to use and seemed very content with that, and assured me week after week that he would tell me if he used more then that, but that he hadn’t.
I found out yesterday he had been smoking more then what he was telling me. When he realized I knew, he told me he didn’t tell me because he dosen’t think its relevant. We havent spoken since.
I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I have a problem with weed, and I know its not logical, but the emotional impact is huge. The once a week compromise was a big thing for me, and I feel like while im taking anti-aniexty meds, practicing mindfulness exercises daily, paying for theraphy, he’s getting high as much as he wants to and then telling me he’s not and that i can trust him.
Thank you for reading all that, i really appreciate your thoughts. he’s a good guy, i’m trying not to be a terrible self-centered girlfriend, but i’m finding this so hard.