(Closed) Weekend of Revelations, Rudeness…and diamonds!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Nona99:  First, throw the short & pretty observations out, because they don’t mean anything about anything.

Everything else is valid. How old is this dude? How old is your daughter? How long have they been dating? Maybe it’s in that infatuation period, and she’ll eventually begin to see who he is for herself?

Post # 5
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Nona99:  Yeah, so it’s still that infatuation period this time around. They are young enough that it has a good chance to fizzle. Surely she’ll see he’s not marriage material, especially if he is not contributing to the household whatsoever. I wouldn’t overly emphasize what a loser you think he is because kids get rebellious and do the opposite of what you want sometimes.

Post # 6
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Nona99:  “if I remember correctly they dated briefly over the summer and then he just vanished…like to Oregon for a couple of months”– booooooo. very bad quality in anyone, but especially someone for your daughter! who leaves and says nothing??

 

Post # 7
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Nona99:  don’t say anything yet. I was with a guy similar to him at that age and everything my parents said didn’t matter, they were wrong, no matter what! I slowly learned he wasn’t the  one for me. And it sucked feeling like my parents weren’t on my side (even though they were). 

Post # 8
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Oh gosh…

As someone that doesn’t have children but has had a fair share of bfs my mom didn’t like, here’s what I have to say.  First, how old is your daughter? I’m assuming in her 20’s or so as it seems she has a child and lives on her own..

I agree with PPs to just leave the short and pretty out of it.  If you say any of that to your daughter, it will just totally invalidate all of your very valid claims that come after that.

I think the best thing you can do is sit down with your daughter and calmly explain your concerns – just explain.  Try and do it as nonjudgemental and “attacking” as possible. 

After she has heard your concerns, leave it at that.  All the things you’re worried about, I’d bet she has thought of them before!  You cannot try to force her to leave him, it won’t work!  – in fact doing so will probably just push her closer to him (or at least farther away from you).

Just make sure she knows your valid concerns, that you love and care about her and that no matter what happens you will be there for her.  You don’t have to like him or even pretend to (do be civil if he’s around though so she doesn’t stop coming around!), but I’d try to keep your negative comments about him around her to a minimum after your chat.

I know I already said it but make sure she knows you will be there for her no matter what happens.  The worst bf I had my mom always tried to get me to leave, but I didn’t. (it was a horribly abusive relationship I can’t even imagine now how my mom must have felt watching me go through that) However, she never treated me any differently when I stayed, and every time he F-ed me over, no matter how many times I went back to him after, my mom was always there for me to vent and cry to.  She never said “I told you so” like I always expected her to. 

Eventually I saw it for myself and left. Only she can make that decision though. It really didn’t matter what anyone said (even though they were all right and I clearly see it now!) until I figured it out for myself.
 

Post # 10
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@Nona99:  No, you have to HOPE that she “gets hurt” early on in this relationahip when he dumps her. Better early than late.

Besides, she’s out in the dating world and she is going to “get hurt” regardless of who she is dating even the Prince of a guy. When people break up, it hurts.

I hope for your grandson’s sake she grows up and identifies men who are stable and kind. If they are pretty and short (I love short men!) then that is just a bonus!

His drinking is a huge problem, huge. Lack of manners and “thanking” you is annoying, for sure, but not the central problem.

Post # 11
Member
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

Ok so I’m not a mother, but I live with my Fiance and his parents, and they have a 19 yr old daughter still at home. She has been with this guy who’s a sr in high school for 11 months (yesterday, I got the wonderfully sappy fb update on my newsfeed lol). She showed her mom something yesterday wedding related, and her mom said “Oh I don’t even want to think about you getting married yet.” and then her dad piped up and said “I just dont see —- being the marrying type. I don’t think he’s going to do that. i just don’t see him for you.”

She stormed off to her room and didn’t come out for the rest of the evening. Not even for dinner!!!!

So yeah, I wouldn’t say anything. It probably just wouldn’t go over well. Unfortunately, she’s going to have to see for herself, just like FI’s little sis probably will. We all generally like her bf, but he’s still in high school, and i guess a month or two ago he mentioned needing some space so he could hang out with his friends… chances are it will end up fizzling. But she doesnt want to hear it!!!! Also, with me and Fiance and her other older brother being very serious with his gf of 4 yrs, she’s just anxious to get there herself. Is it possible that your daughter is caught up in the happiness of your wedding and is looking ahead to that as well?

Post # 12
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Sounds like a peach!

I dated a guy who was such.a.jerk. for waaay too long when I was in college and my parents could.not.tell.me otherwise. 

So… let her tell you what an ass he is.  Ask about him.  My parents just didn’t want to talk about it because they knew I knew they didn’t like him.  Ask how their dates are, what they do.  Does she really drive everywhere?  Wow!  How is he with your child?  Does he babysit for you?  Oh – why don’t you trust them alone?  Yeah, I did notice he drinks but I hoped it was more social, I’m sure you wouldn’t have a drunk in your home.

I remember clear as it was yesterday (and it was over 7 years ago) my would have been sister-in-law said to me “I hope he treats you better when you two are alone, because no one deserves to be treated like that.”  Well… he didn’t – he was worse.  And she was right.  I left him. 

Post # 13
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee

@StuporDuck:  +1 dont make assumptions but ur other points are VERY valid and definitely leave room for concern. Keep an eye and ear out for this one

Post # 15
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

I guess what you do also depends on what kind of relationship you have with your daughter.

Mine brought home some we were never too fond of, but I think we trusted their judgment enough to let them find out for themselves and to eventually see what we did. Making mention of some odd things about them or things I found appalling came easily for me, but so did compliments when warranted.

 I think I remembered how I felt when my own Mom curled her nose at some of my bf’s, so tried not to do the same (or maybe be a bit more subtle about it). My Mom didn’t like what I thought were stupid things, like somebody’s smile! (because it reminded her of the way a not so favorite Uncle smiled…ugh)

Somebody told me once that if I acted like I didn’t like one of their BF’s, it would drive them closer to them to spite me. Luckily I never had to deal with any that had drinking problems (that I ever found out about) or were abusive, since those are heavier issues to deal with than lack of manners or being moochers. It’s hard to keep the MamaBear in check sometimes!

Post # 16
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Nona99:  ….he really used the “cared too much” line?? barf…barf all over the place. My fingers are crossed that he takes off again and you daughter sees through the veneer

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