Post # 1
I’m having a hard time coping with the “waiting for engagment” period and figured blogging about it and getting other peoples perspectives might help. Here’s the short version:
I’m 34 and he’s 39. We’ve both been married before, both cheated on horribly and both have kids (4 boys altogether, twin 8yr olds, a 6yr old and a 3yr old). We’ve been dating for a little over a year and marriage was a discussion early on. Late last year we probably talked about it every week and it usually ended in a fight because he kept telling me it would happen, but he needed time. He finally told me he WOULD propose to me in 2011. We’ve been living together for just over 4 months. Since January I rarely brought up marriage, but our boys ask us pretty frequently if we’re getting married and refer to me as the person who will be their stepmother. My bf always says yes he’s going to marry me.
He’s already told me he has the ring picked out and has told me he has the money for it (saved it out of his company bonus this past February). So my question is…what is he waiting for?? He knows I don’t want anything big, not a big ring, not a big wedding…all that is important to me is the marriage.
Anyone else in a similar situation? What do you do to cope?
It’s getting to the point that every weekend when he doesn’t have something “planned” I get extremely disappointed because I know that’s another weekend that will pass without an engagement. And even worse, when we have gone away on weekend trips or bed/breakfasts and they pass without engagement I can’t help but wondering why??
Post # 3
@Serpendipity: Why? Because it’s only been **one year** and you have **four kids** to consider. You should be SLOWER to move into together/jump into a second marriage for their sake, not faster. I’m sorry, I know you’re looking for sympathy and I’m not providing it. I just can’t understand this level of frustration in your situation at all and correspondingly, can’t provide much sympathy. Why such the rush? How long did you date before getting engaged the first time, how long the engagement, how long the marriage, and how long since the divorce?
Post # 4
I don’t know you eprsonally, I have to admit I agree with the caution posted above about rushing, but if it’s right for you guys, then only you will know. That said, look up Mr. Bee’s Plan. It basically explains a bit about how the engagement itself is very important to the man, and it’s his big show. Most people accept that the wedding is the bride’s show, and the proposal is the man’s. He’ll do it when he feels it’s right, and not one second sooner. You really want to know he’s doing it because he loves you, not because he was nagged into it, don’t you?
Waiting is hard, or this board would not have so many ladies looking for moral support on it. We all get it. We’re either there or have been there, so this post isn’t a blithe comment wihtout any feeling behind it. One year is a very short time to date prior to marriage, especially these days, regardless of your age. You say you BOTH had bad previous marraiges, I wouldn’t blame him for being able to say he loves you, wants to marry you but also wants to take some more time, and also to plan a nice proposal.
Back off, don’t mention it. If you don’t have a big wedding to plan, he could propose on Monday and you could get married by Saturday (okay, I’m exaggerating, but it’s not like you’ve got a 500+ dinner to plan, so relax 🙂 )
Post # 5
He probably has a big plan- I mean you DO have FOUR sons…. he is probably trying to set an example.
Post # 6
I have somewhat the opposite opinion of some of the other posts in that I don’t think you two need to wait longer, I think a year is enough time to be at the point you’re at. But, it sounds like your future fiance has some thinking and also planning to do. I wonder if he’s stalling a little bit, but I’m sure he’ll come through. If he said 2011 you really don’t need to worry yet, 2011 is not even halfway over. Maybe he wants the proposal & engagement to be a certain way and he’s not ready yet.
Post # 7
Thank you everyone. I DO understand the whole “why rush? take your time?…etc” point of views. I guess to me when we discussed moving in together, I saw it (and I believe he did too) as making the same level of commitment as we would when it comes to marriage, because we didn’t want to allow our kids to get attached if there was even the remote thought in either of our minds that we could just walk away. Now everyday when I see them talking about us as a family, getting extremely close and treating each other as “brothers” I can’t help but wonder if my bf is stalling engagment because he really isn’t fully committed…and if that’s the case, these boys would be in for a horrific heartbreak should he choose to leave.
I know that’s a stretch and my imagination is most likely running away with me, but it’s a hard thought to ignore. And YES I know that just because he proposes isn’t a guarantee either that he wouldn’t leave, but somehow that “official step” gives me just a little more reassurance.
Anyways I appreciate VERY much everyone’s posts. This blog is a WONDERFUL way to vent what we’re feeling and allow other women to bring us back to reality, without bugging our men about our “feelings” constantly (’cause we all know how much they just LOVE to talk about feelings :)).
Post # 8
LucyLaLa: A year can definitely be enough time to know you want to marry someone, I just think this feeling is somewhat extreme: It’s getting to the point that every weekend when he doesn’t have something “planned” I get extremely disappointed because I know that’s another weekend that will pass without an engagement. And even worse, when we have gone away on weekend trips or bed/breakfasts and they pass without engagement I can’t help but wondering why?? It’s just my opinion, so it’s likely worth exactly what the OP paid for it.
Yup, that’s why I think it’s super important when you have kids to move carefully (note, this need not be slowly, I mean you don’t want the kids meeting each other the first time at the wedding!). However, the barn door is open now, so there’s no going back to change anything. I really can’t think of what’s best to do at the moment, because they’ve already formed those bonds so drawing back now is ridiculous. They are pretty young though, and I feel like kids are more resilient than we give them credit for, so I would take a deep breath and try to put it out of your mind. It’s easy for me to say, but at this point (1 year in) worry less about taking the next step and focus more on strengthening your relationship. Ask him what his timeline is/what he’s waiting for so you aren’t in the dark – I bet knowing his plans would help out a lot, even if they are further off than you want.