Post # 1
I have always gotten along with my Mother-In-Law – especially when my husband and I were dating. We used to have long chats and I would hang out with her a lot. When she found out that her son was going to propose she got a bit weird and almost tried to talk me out of the engagement saying we should wait. Fast forward to the wedding and then pregnancy – where she called me the vessel the entire time, kinda weird but it is her personality. We had our son and then there were lots of fights over her wanting to take him for a week when he was just a baby. Things are still a bit rocky and sometimes she just says weird things.
The other weekend she said when talking about her other sons girlfriend “We love “name” so much. We always said that we would never fall in love with our sons girlfriends until they were engaged or married and we didnt with (my husband), but we just can’t help it with this one”.
I didnt say anything. I am not extremely upset because she can be odd sometimes, but it kinda hurt. We do get a long great most of the time, but she always has these random comments that just make me go, huh. Sometimes I still think she holds things against me. One christmas our son (now 2 but 3 months at the time) was very ill so we decided not to go to her family’s christmas party christmas evening but spent the morning with her instead. When she called to convince us to go and my husband said no she said “oh I know WHO the real reason is that you arent going”.
Anyways, I honestly am not mad, sometimes it just hurts my feelings. I can’t tell if she is trying to passively-aggressively tell me something or if its just her way. Does anyone else get these kind of comments, not outright mean comments or anything but just the occassional off ones, yet get along really well with their Mother-In-Law the rest of the time?
Post # 3
Ouch. Man, you are handling that way better than I would! Good for you.
I get comments sometimes from my Future Mother-In-Law asking where we are going next. Im in law school and live near them now, but will likely be moving after graduation to wherever I can find a job. My FIL’s just fixed up a rental unit next to their house and I know they are hoping we decide to move there. And that is just….not happening. I get the impression that Future Mother-In-Law thinks I am taking my Fiance away from them.
Post # 4
Ouch that would really hurt my feelings. Luckily, for the most part my FMIL is blunt and leaves the passive aggressive comments to my mom.
Post # 5
Oh man, get out of my head! I get my feelings hurt, too, and my fiance has a younger bro with a seemingly perfect gf. Just like you, I get along well with my Future Mother-In-Law but sometimes she makes comments that hurt my feelings. I think it’s just that a mom will always feel like you’re taking her little boy away (no matter how much she likes you!), and being passive aggressive occasionally is their way of dealing with it. Just stay positive and keep being you 🙂
Post # 6
You are handling it much better than I would. I would definitely be up in arms. However, my quick mouth has gotten me in trouble time and time again. I have learned (over time) that usually people don’t mean for something to sound the way it does. Perhaps she doesn’t realize how curt and hurtful her comments sound.
For Example: She may have not meant for the comment about the other son’s girlfriend to be a putdown to you. She may have just been trying to flatter the other girlfriend/son, but not realizing how it sounded to your ears.
This one is tricky because it is hard to tell if your Mother-In-Law means the comments or just honestly doesn’t know how mean and hurtful her comments sound.
Post # 7
I agree with Leah, you are handling this very well… Props to you! I would not be so composed.
My Future Mother-In-Law got a little weird when we got engaged… to be honest I have never felt 100% comfortable with her, but when we got engaged it got a little worse. She hates that we live together (she is very religious). Once she told me she disapproved of us “playing house”. I wish she would just mind her own business. Also, when we brought up the idea of an engagement party to her, she told me that it seemed like we were just planning a party to get presents from our friends. I think she referred to it as a “gift grab”. It made me feel pretty sad since it was just supposed to be a small party for family and friends. She definitely didn’t approve and those words stung.
She further told me that engagement parties were not acceptable in her family. The funny thing about that was two days later we went to an engagement party for her niece. Riiiggghhhhtttt.
Post # 8
@msmarathon: I know that she struggles with letting go and you are right I am pretty sure she doesnt realize that her comments can sometimes be hurtful. It is just difficult because I dont ever want either sides of the families to feel left out in anything we do, especially with their grandson involved. I know she gets upset when we don’t stay longer at her family’s events, but we almost always plan around her family – my mom is a lot like me and would rather just change her thanksgiving day for examle to save a fight. I guess I just miss those times when I was the girlfriend that she loved so much instead of the woman who took her son away lol.
@ Whimsical.Sprite Thank you! I wish I could tell whether she means some of them. I think there were a few (the ones where she wanted to take my son for a week when he was only 2 months old) that she meant. I definitely dont handle it great all the time though – I know there are a couple times where I was hurt and started an argument with my husband about how these comments hurt my feelings. It’s definitely not fair to him since it is his mom so I try to be very careful about what I say – I wouldnt want him saying anything harsh about my mom. I do hope though that over time the comments will go away – although I know she worries about us moving to find work once I am done university.
Thank you for your supportive comments – I always need to remember that people dont always realize what they are saying can be hurtful – she is always telling me that I am sensitive and need to grow a thicker skin!
Post # 9
Your Mother-In-Law sounds kind of like my Mom, although my Mom has never tried to turn DH and I against each other. She marches to the beat of her own drum for sure and holds $ over our heads sometimes to get her way or act superior (she came from a poor family and has issues accepting the fact that DH adn I are well off on our own).
But if my Mom made a comment like that about the your BIL’s girlfriend, I know she wouldn’t have meant it as a jab so I”m thinking maybe your Mother-In-Law didn’t mean it that way. She just has no filter adn doesn’t think things through. Someone who was trying to hurt you would have said it intentionally to dig the nail in.
And no matter WHAT don’t give her your baby for a week, gosh!!!
Post # 10
you handled that really well. I agree with moderndaisy…she might not have meant it as a jab to you, she probably just didn’t think about how it would come accross…but you know her better than us!
My Future Mother-In-Law is very similar. She hosted my soon to be SIL’s shower at a country club in her home town. Mine is going to be hosted at her house.
hmmm…one of these things is not like the other! There’s a lot she’s not saying with that gesture. We’ve always gotten along just fine, and she’s always nice to me, so I’m just telling myself that she doesn’t realize how this is coming across?
I think people sometimes really don’t realize that there can be an additional message behind what they’re doing and saying.
Post # 11
I think a lot of people who are “upset” with their in-laws really feel hurt. One of the smartest things my Mother-In-Law has said (I was shocked) anger often is just a form of hurt.
You should feel hurt, and you know what? You’re handling it REALLY well. I know a lot of people are saying “she doesn’t know what she’s doing..” People say that about my in-laws- it doesn’t make what they do feel any better.. and them not realizing it doesn’t make it any more forgiveable.
Post # 12
Oh my, I go through that same ordeal, their comments that you know are meant to hurt you but are being said in another form. all I can say is be strong, his mother is going through a transitioning period where she feels that she is losing her son…especially now that you are married your husband listens and you both do things that benefit your family not hers. For the things he does and does not do I am to blame according to his mother.
My husband tends to listen to me more than his own mother. So when the family needs my husband to attend a family function they come and ask me “B can you ask my son to go to so and so” I feel that they are utilizing me when it benefits them but I caught on and tell him however I don’t push him to do anything he does not feel comfortable doing.
In addition, I can kiss him lots and lots on his cheeks and he will not fuss however when his mother attempts to show affection my grabbing his face and saying “who is my favorite son” he pushes away and says “Ya ma ” “there mom”
What counts is that your Husband and you are one.
Post # 13
My Mother-In-Law is the same way. Most of the time we get along pretty well, although I’d say I’m definitely a little uneasy around her still (sad after 3 years). While we were planning for the wedding, she’d go off on random tangents and rants about EVERYTHING- this mostly occurred when she had at least 1 drink in her. A few more drinks and she becomes almost intolerable. Especially family- she complains about them constantly. If she has 1 glass of wine, she’ll start lecturing for hours. I thought it would get better after the wedding, but she has just found new stuff to rant about- sometimes it doesn’t really make any sense at all. Even her husband and my husband and brother-in-law look at her like they don’t understand what she’s talking about or where it came from. I swear she’s getting a little senile or something in her mid-50’s.
On my birthday the other night, my husband and I were talking about how we were planning a major trip before start TTC, and she went off on this whole lecture (in a really rude voice) about ‘well trips cost a lot of money and you need a new job first and I got pregnant when I wasn’t expecting to and life just doesn’t go the way you plan”. It was so random and didn’t make any sense. I tried to explain to her that ‘well this is our plan, but if something happens and we have kids first it’s not a big deal’. Then she says in a huffy voice, ‘well, I don’t care if you have kids at all’ (she really does care because that’s all she talked about before we got married). Weird.
I guess that I just try to justify it that we are two totally different people, from different backgrounds, with different values. She’s very dramatic, holds grudges forever, and loves to talk behind people’s backs. I honestly think she doesn’t know how to make conversation any other way. On the other hand, I grew up in a family that was very laid back, accepts people for who they are, and will avoid drama at any cost (which isn’t always a good thing either). So I’ve pretty much accepted that we’re going to clash, even though it doesn’t make it any easier when she makes the comments.
Post # 14
MY Future Mother-In-Law also has made random comments throughout the years that make me be like uhhhh seriously? i remember when we first started dating, we were moving back to LI but the only way to do this post college with no money was to live with her. So when we were down there for holiday, I sat down with her and was lke I dont think Mr. Eseds has officially asked you, but I want to ask you if this situation is ok with you, because if its not, well figure something out. And her response was “I have no other choice” and i thought hmm well you could say no, but your son is going to side with me, which meant we would most likely not have moved back here or in with her which I know she didnt want… but I felt like she could have just said something a little nicer. theres a lot of back story though as to why she felt this way, and having a girl thats dated your son for 4 months asking to move in with you isnt exactly easy… still ackward though… youre doing the right thing. you cant attack his mother to him, and youre not going to change her.. .Vent here and move on…. good luck!
Post # 15
My now Mother-In-Law got very weird when we got enaged. We never had a close relationship when we were dating, but on visits we could get along, chat and hang out and I didn’t at all think she didn’t like me, but as soon as she found out my DH was going to propose she turned into a totally different person, she tried talking him out of him, was making up lies about me , saying some pretty rude stuff about me. I was shocked, she only got worse as the engagement went on, about 2 months before the wedding, we had to completely cut her out our life because she was so over the top jealous and nuts along with his younger sister. 3 months after the wedding, we are still not on speaking terms with her and probably won’t be for a very long time.
I think mothers who act this way are mothers who want total control over their sons and want to be the ONLY women in their life. I think some mothers are more passive about it, some mothers it doesn’t bother, while other mother’s they just turn crazy. The day of my wedding my mother in law and sister in law screamed and cried that she will always be number one in his life, that the mother ALWAYS comes first. Sadly A LOT of mothers think this way of their sons.
Post # 16
ugh! I hear this – my Fiance is an only child and his mom is VERY much the Type A woman who takes care of her men (i.e. her husband and son do pretty much whatever she tells them to). we generally get along well but since the engagement I do think she feels that I have “stolen” her son because she doesn’t have total control over him and he talks through major life decisions with me first now (i.e. he is looking for a new job, and he will always discuss things like this with both his parents as they are close, but when it involves potentially moving from where we live now, clearly he gets my opinion first!) – she doesn’t say anything quite as overt as the other examples here, but there are definitely passive acts and comments that make me wonder.
I get so frustrated when people say oh, they are just struggling to deal with losing their son, or that they think we “stole” him – um, my dad doesn’t act that way toward Fiance…why is it ok for moms to get like this about their sons, but not dads with their daughters?! annoying.