Post # 1
Hi ladies — quick background: I am 28, hubby is 30. Been married 6 months and am 3 months pregnant (first grandchild on both sides). My parents divorced in 2003, dad remarried in 2004 (stepmom has no children) and mom remarried in 2005 (stepdad has 2 sons).
When my dad and stepmom first got married, they were talking about trying to have a baby. It was something my brothers and I were happy about, I mean who are we to say this woman shouldn’t be a mother? She would be a great one. They inititally said they would try for a year then that would be it. Well at the end of that year … no baby. Well then it moved to they would try until one of us (me and/or my brothers) was pregnant. Well this was 5 years ago. It hasn’t been discussed for at least 2 years now, but it all of a sudden came back up now that my hubby and I are pregnant. Now, my dad is 55 and my stepmom is 45. It has REALLY surprised me, my husband, my brothers, and their wives. It’s clearly a sensitive issue to discuss, so I don’t really know what to say. My stepmom told us a couple of years ago that she had come to terms with not having any children of her own and she was okay with this. I just can’t imagine having my son or daughter and then getting another brother or sister sometime in the next two years. I mean my child would be younger than his/her aunt or uncle. That just seems SO WEIRD to me. I worry about the age of my father. He’s raised 3 kids, getting ready to be a grandpa, getting close to retiring (hopefully), and now he could be about to start the process all over again?
I’m just confused and bothered by this.
Post # 3
Wait, have they brought up TTC again?
Post # 4
Your not alone, It would probably be bothered a tad by this also. Not only because it would be slightly weird but also for the health of the baby. Theres such a high risk for the baby and the mother at that age. Are they seriously still TTC at their age?
Post # 5
Yes. They are TTC. My stepmom has been going back to her fertility doctor (not sure what the details are).
Post # 6
While its a little strange that your child could be older than their aunt… it is what it is… and in the end its there decision. I wouldnt stress too much about it, at the end of the day you could have a friend for your child to be close with almost like a cousin or a sibling… I wouldnt worry so much about it yourself… your father is a grown man and if he didnt want to start the process over again im sure he wouldnt… Now the age is a different story. im always concerned about people having children in their 40s for everyone involved. but thats not my decision or yours to make either. accept it for what it is right now… just a thought… Itll work out and be normal to you and your child because its what youll live… what it will be ok..
Post # 7
yikes good luck. It’s totally weird to be older than an aunt/uncle but plenty of people do it – esp in large families (Duggars anyone?).
They may realize that it won’t work out for them without some serious fertility treatment and cash. I wish you the best!
Post # 8
Wow. I wasnt aware that fertility doctors would help women that are 45. That’s crazy. Sooooo high risk! I actually know 2 boys. One is 22 the other is 23. The 23 year old is the 22 year olds uncle! Hope that wasnt confusing lol We all went to high school together. They acted more like brothers and he certainly never called him “uncle”.
Post # 9
I don’t have much advice for you. I do understand where your coming from and how you find it weird the your child will be older than their aunt/uncle. I also would be concerned with their ages (although many older men and women have children) and the risk of pregnancy. In the end they must decide what is right for them and from the sounds of it they really want a child together. I mean they have been TTC for how long? I would just try to be happy for them even if I thought it was odd.
On a side note: My mom used to have a friend that was super competitive. When her friend had a baby, she had one. Then later when her grown son had a child she too had one (she was in her 40’s). It brings up the whole “Father of the Bride” image to mind.
Post # 10
Wow, that’s a lot to handle. I know a few people who have aunts/uncles that are younger than them and it’s a little weird – usually a bit of a family joke…but it’s okay because usually they are all younger when they had their first set of children, then those kids married young, so it’s not so bad.
However, one of my close guy friends (we’re the same age) was the child of a second marriage. he was born when his dad was 58. His father is now the same age as my grandfather…and it’s weird for him. There is such a huge generation gap between his father and him that they have a lot of issues. He was also embarassed as a young child when his dad would be taking him to football practice and the kids would make fun of his dad for being elderly.
I know it’s probably petty/children are cruel type things, but this is what the kid would have to deal with. I personally, though I know some women wouldn’t feel fullfilled without a child of their own, would think of the child and the quality of life I would be able to give them. I just can’t imagine my father passing at any age, but much less in high school or something like that.
I guess there’s also the whole issue with women having children after 40. From medical journals that I’ve read, it’s usually risky for both the child and mother. But it’s also a person by person thing too.
It’s a hard situation, hopefully everything ends up well either way they go.
Post # 11
First, I totally understand why this is weird, and why it would make you uncomfortable. I would be creeped out if my dad had another kid with another woman at this point.
That said, think of how fun it would be for your child to have someone in the family so close to his or her age. The more family members the better, right? As for the mom, I know several women personally who’ve had babies over the age of 45; for some women, it’s entirely possible. Again, I know it’s kinda weird, but just focus on the exciting aspect of it.
Post # 12
I actually have a friend who has a little brother that is only 3 months older than her daughter. I know it sounds weird, but knowing how happy her mother was to conceive again (they had been trying for about 17 years) she was so excited for her mom. I would just try to take a deep breath and hope for the best for them. Like you said, she would make a wonderful mother and that’s all that counts.
Post # 13
That would really bother me too. I thought about that in college, like if my parents had another kid. If they died younger than expected (60s) then I would have to take over as the mother-figure in my sibling’s life. Weird. I get the whole Marissa Tomei biological clock thing…but I’m admittedly judgmental of women who choose to get pregnant in their mid to late forties. That may not be right, but it is true. I just think it’s selfish, and not considering the child at all.
Post # 14
I can understand why it would be wierd for you, but I would be more concerned about what kind of life your father and this child would have at this stage. If they choose to have a child, there really isn’t much you can do. However, you should just make sure they understand their choice.
Maybe once they meet their grandchild they will get over the “baby fever”. Maybe you can let him and his wife babysit a lot? Maybe see if she can help with other pregnancy/baby steps.
Post # 15
I’ll be honest that the thought of that would bother me a bit. But, at the same time I’d also feel bad for her not being able to become a mother and it’s something she’s always wanted. Maybe once their grandchild is born they’ll be so focused on it, that maybe their baby fever will subside once and for all.
Post # 16
@JessicaL: 45 is higher risk, but it’s not soooo high risk in and of itself. A healthy 45 year old woman who is ovulating normally can certainly have a child.
We were going to continue trying until I was 42, but that was personal preference. I have a number of colleagues who had their babies in their 40’s.
I think the stranger thing here is not your stepmom’s age, but the fact that your pregnancy has re-precipitated this issue.
I don’t want any of our 40 something brides to feel like they are freaks if they want to have a kid. I was 38 when we had our daughter, and I don’t feel too old at all!