- 4 years ago
- Wedding: May 2016
If you’ve read any of my post you know that I am young (22) and have lost both of my parents. I’ve also been taking care of my grandfather who raised me, all while trying to focus on school and my future career. My grandfather had been hospitalized in April and also back in July. After his recent hospitalization he was moved to a rehab facility that was closer to me since I was about to start classes again. We designed my engagement ring to include both of our late mother’s diamonds. My ring was suppose to be completed the end of July but the stupid jeweler hadn’t even started it 6 days before we left! I was still holding out hope that this was a cruel joke and he would actually surprise me with MY ring!
The good parts:
Last week me and my boyfriend went to Hawaii for a much needed vacation. Our summer has been focused around our sick grandfathers so we needed to take care of ourselves before school. The vacation was perfect! It was our second time there and since we didn’t see much of the island last time we decided to rent a car so we could explore. Every day were were there we did a different hike and went on many adventures. We also went shark cage diving (during shark week!) and did an amazing helicopter tour! I was expecting a proposal but I wasn’t really nervous about it until Wednesday.
Wednesday morning we went on a sunrise hike and I thought I saw a square box in his pocket. The whole morning I was expecting it and freaking out on the inside. I was like “okay ksn, act normal.”, “quit freaking out and get your shit together!”. Every time he would reach in his pocket to grab his phone I had a mini- heart attack. I guess I was portraying my nervousness onto him because he seemed nervous also, but after I told him this after he proposed he said that he had no idea and it never even crossed his mind lol. After that I kept expecting it, but I was still enjoying our trip!
Friday morning we got up to hike Diamond Head. The last time in Hawaii that was the only hike we did so we were excited to do it again. My parents honeymooned in Hawaii and have so many pics of Diamond Head so I have a fondness for it. We also had an amazing view of it while laying in bed. When we were getting ready to go, we discovered my debit card had been stolen and used the night before so I had to take care of that first. Then we sat off on our day! We hiked Diamond Head in no time and made it to the crowded top. I kept trying to break the rules and go to the points you weren’t suppose to, but SO kept stopping me, which was unusal because he had been trail blazing all week. I finally got to this little place where only tiny people like myself could fit and got a nice private view. He tried to join me and said that he wanted a pic when this couple moved. They finally moved and he found this man to take our pic. We had a normal pic and then he got down on one knee! I was kinda expecting it, but didn’t want to get my hopes up again. I remember exactly what he said and when I told him, he told me that I wasn’t allowed to repeat because it was so stupid and he’s never said those words in his life and his thoughts were all jumbled lol. He was talking about how our trip had been amazing and that he never wanted to leave and wanted to stay forever. He then asked me if I would be “his lady” forever (he has NEVER called me his lady and he meant to ask if I would be “his b” forever). He didn’t have my ring, but instead had a stand in pear shaped ring and also had one of his mom’s diamond bands. I didn’t say anything besides “which one do I take?” and neither one of us knew exactly which one haha. After wards we went to the blowhole and he called his stepdad and told him. He had already told his dad that morning because he said he was so nervous he was having dreams and had to tell someone! Later that evening we had pictures made at sunset! I was waiting to tell pawpaw when we got home Sunday morning!
Now, the bad part:
We left Hawaii a little after 4pm Hawaiian time on Saturday which would’ve been 10pm back home. When we landed Sunday at 6:30 am I found out that pawpaw passed away at 11:20pm Saturday. It was not too long after we took off and I felt horrible for being on a plane instead of with him. My first thought was that he never knew that I was engaged. I was beating myself up over it. My Fiance and other people close to me, kept saying that even though I didn’t get a chance to tell him in person, he knew. Later Sunday night we had to make the arrangements and got to say our goodbyes. I’ve seen both of my parents laying there lifeless in the same funeral home, but this was the hardest day of my life. And I know tomorrow at the memorial will only be harder. I’ve been holding myself together pretty well but I am still at a loss, and it doesn’t seem real yet. Since I have had time to think about it, I know that I can not keep beating myself up over not being there. Even though he had been sick and was in rehab, he was actually doing well and was suppose to come home later this week, it was still unexpected. This very well could have been my FI’s grandpa who was in the hospital all last week fighting pancreatic cancer. I think that pawpaw felt at peace leaving me in the hands of my now Fiance and knew that I would be taken care of. He had outlived my grandma, my mom and my uncle. We were all the family each other had. He knew that I would be starting my own family and knew that I would be okay. He is not hating life anymore stuck in the hospital or rehab, he is back home with his own loved ones that he hasn’t seen in years. Of course selfishly I want him here with me forever, but I know he wouldn’t want to come back. I was so afraid that this would happen while I was studying abroad this summer, so I actually bought my wedding dress in April and had pictures made with him. I will always have those pics and he got to see me in my dress, even though he didn’t say much about it, he is smiling from ear to ear in all of them. I also told him while he was in the hospital that I was naming my son after him, which made him very happy. I have been trying to prepare myself for this day for almost a year now, but nothing you do can take away the hurt.
I am actually happy my ring wasn’t ready in time for the proposal. We haven’t had time to celebrate the engagement, so now I have something happy to look foward to. I just have to keep in mind that my FI’s mom and great-grandma are now partying with my parents and pawpaw and are celebrating our engagment, even if we are mourning down here.
Sorry this is so long. I’m trying to get everything out and it’s a way to help me cope.