(Closed) Well Known Bee Undercover- Am I Settling?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I settling?
    You are settling- you can do better! : (88 votes)
    78 %
    You are NOT settling- stop complaining : (17 votes)
    15 %
    Other- comment below : (8 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    4431 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @IncognitoMarorigto:  yikes.  It sounds like you’re now realizing what your life would be with him, forever.  you’re also now coming to terms with how he is with himself, with your relationship, and with his parents…

    We seem to forget these things especially when planning one of the biggest days of our lives…I think some of us get caught up, not saying that you are…but to me it sounds like it’s kind of good that you have a 20 month engagement….if it were soon I would probably advise to pospone.

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    1292 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    It’s hard to say. You say you love your fiance very very much but are you in love with him?

    The things you say don’t seem to be relationship ending issues. Just seems like you guys need more communication. I agree with the PP about how you’re just starting to realize things about him and starting to imagine you living with those issues forever. Nobody is perfect, no relationship is perfect. Keep that in mind.

    Who am I to talk though; I’m contemplating calling off my own engagement. Undecided

    Post # 5
    Member
    2398 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    Only you can decide if you are settling. You will be the one that has to live with this the rest of your life. No one else will make you happy but you and the choices you make for yourself. I hope you find what is right by you and follow your heart before its to late and you have to file for divorce or worse, child support. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    2398 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @S2013:  I am sorry you are considering calling yours off. I think it takes guts to cancel it than going through with it and getting divorced later on. I hope you make the right choice for you. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    6512 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @IncognitoMarorigto:  Ugh.  Based on what you wrote, I’d say that does sounds like settling :/  Some of the things you said were very familiar to me, but with an ex.  This guy hated his part time job, but never looked for something new.  Despite my heavier work load, he rarely helped around the apartment.  He was my high school crush, and we dated from my prom through college (4.5 years), so I didn’t have much perspective on what relationships should be like.  I ended up getting too fed up with it even so, and dumped him.  THANK GOD – best decision I ever made!

    Every relationship is different, but lack of motivation is a killer in my mind.  It is especially perplexing that he is saying he wants to save up $300,000, but is not even looking for a full time job?  WTF?  

    Please don’t feel like you need to stay with him.  If you want to stick it out, he’ll need to make an effort too.  Have an honest conversation about your reservations, but know that you can leave if he doesn’t try.  Don’t feel stuck. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    11233 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @sarahbabs:  Agreed. My first boyfriend was like this, in that he had zero motivation to do anything. He was “overwhelmed” with two college classes and no job, and quit after four weeks because it was “too hard.” I couldn’t deal with it.

    Post # 9
    Member
    3625 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I think there are a lot of red flags, if nothing else.

    I think it is a serious problem that he is beyond not motivated and you sound like you are quite motivated. It’s hard when one spouse is going “go go go!” and the other is lagging behind, letting the world pass him/her by. This would be a dealbreaker for Darling Husband and me as both of us are very motivated.

    I think he also is at a different developmental and maturity level than you are. He still needs to be told when to do things to help the household. It’s one thing for a teenage boy to be told, “Please take out the trash” but now that he is running his own household, he should feel motivated to clean it or hire someone who will. In addition, it’s one thing to respect his parents and their opinions, but in order to commit to you wholely as a life partner, your opinion needs to come first. You two are a team and for him to pick their opinions over yours is going to be problematic. You have a lot on your plate and he doesn’t sound like a support system at all.

    The kid thing is also a huge red flag. I absolutely believe that two people need to be on the same page for this issue. If you were fine waiting until you bought a house and had $300k saved up, then great, at least you both agree. But since you don’t, you will end up resenting him as you get older and I don’t want you to finally end it when you are 40 and feeling like your life has passed you by and you didn’t get what you wanted (e.g. children).

    Do I think you can work this out with him in couples therapy? Sure, there is always the possibility. However, I don’t think he sounds like he is open to change. I think he sounds complacent and content, and it is going to take a lot for him to want to change. IMO, I would move on because you sound like you have a lot to offer and there are more mature, supportive, and motivated individuals that are looking for the same.

    Post # 10
    Member
    238 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I agree with the PP but also disagree. He needs to be more motivated, he needs to try harder in your relationship. By the sounds of it- you don’t have much of a chance to have space or see your family… He needs to put your opinion first. 

     

    Sit down with him, tell him what your expectations are, tell him of pull his socks up and contribute. 

     

    If that fails, leave.

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    4913 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    There’s certainly a lot of red flags here. On the other hand, if he’s willing to work through them with you, then it doesn’t sound like anything that isn’t fixable.

    Talk to him about it. I don’t like automatically jumping to counseling, but it could work. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    771 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @IncognitoMarorigto:  These are big issues and to not have all the kinks worked out is a problem.  At minimum I would postpone the wedding and get into counseling together.  But I don’t think you would be wrong to call everything off.  I’m sorry, that’s a tough situation.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2082 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    @IncognitoMarorigto:  You sound more ambitious than he does. I dated a guy a few years back very much like the one you are describing. He was an idealist with no confidence or drive. I think this came from being raised by ultra conservative parents and a father who always put him down. 

    I’m not sure what will happen if the two of you do marry. However, my experience tells me that you will either bring him up or he will bring you down. Both might happen. Most people end up changing some in order to adapt to life with another person. Maybe both of you will change for the better and compromise like you have in the past. 

    The other thing that could happen is that you break up to look for better opportunities, but you don’t ever meet anyone that makes you feel quite like he did. However, he ends up moving on and marrying someone else. On the same note, you shouldn’t marry him out of fear of not finding anyone better.

    This is really and truly your decision. In the end, you’re going to have to live with the decision you make. I would do some soul searching. Eventually, you’ll know in your heart what the best choice for you is.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    1749 posts
    Bumble bee

    @IncognitoMarorigto:  Take my advice with a grain of salt, I called off my engagement last year. I loved my ex Fiance very much too but he was not ready for marriage. You can love someone enough to let them go and they have to respect you enough to allow you the chance to be with someone that wants the same things. Sometimes, life will bring you back together and sometimes it works for your good to move on. I left my ex Fiance over a year ago and he has reached out to say he feels like he is ready. Live your life and have fun. He seems like a David Downer to me but I don’t love him. Think long and hard about it and stand behind your decision.

    Post # 15
    Member
    506 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Way too many red flags for me to continue. Both you and he seem to disagree about some fairly major issues including having kids which will later breed resentment on somebody’s side. Again you obviously know what you really want more than us so go with your gut. It doesn’t make any amount of difference what we feel if you’re feeling like you need to get out/stay in.

    I’d atleast call a decent amount of a break to see how being apart felt post the initial “i misssss them soooooo much.”

    Post # 16
    Hostess
    7561 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    It doesn’t sound like settling, but it does seem like your relationship needs some work. But the good news is all relationships need work! It’s a constant effort to keep things working. I think you two need to work on your communication and compromising. Could you read some relationship books togther, or go to couples counseling? Is it possible to put wedding stuff on hold until you feel more comfortable? 

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