(Closed) Well this is embrarrassing… NO sex drive. (kinda long)

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I almost laughed when you said that you are 22 and your sex drive shouldn’t be decreasing JUST YET. I’m 31 and my sex drive is higher than it’s ever been. I read somewhere that women peak at 35, while men peak at 19. I’m not sure what to tell you but I will say this, sometimes younger guys dont quite know what they are doing yet as far as pleasing women. Maybe you guys could read a few books together, try some new positions, have a glass of wine, etc.

Post # 5
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

Maybe the problem is that you are overworking yourself; I can totally relate to feeling too tired to get it on after a long day.  Do you work weekends as well?  How is the rest of your relationship doing, do you guys still make time for each other, cuddle, kiss, etc?

Post # 6
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@alteralter123:  I second the wine.

You are really stressed out, I think you need to find a way to relax. Either by taking up meditation, yoga, have him massage you, or looking around at jobs maybe closer to your area… *cough* masturbation *cough*…… 

Post # 7
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I was going through something similar to this just a few weeks ago.  Our sex life felt like it was fizzling.  One night all I could think about was what I wish he was doing differently then I just ended up crying at the end.

 

I decided to put my foot down.  Send flirty texts throughout the day, get him psyched up for that night.  This morning I took a picture of my booty (it was looking good) and sent it to him first thing.  Take a night and go out to dinner together.  It doesn’t have to be fancy, just spend some time together.  Drink some coffee on the date so you don’t get sleepy when you get home!

Post # 8
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@alteralter123:  It sounds like you need to destress. I also think that talking about this with your SO may help. Tell him you want to have more sex but you’re just so damn tired that you have a hard time finding the energy to instigate it. Maybe if he does a little extra work to get you in the mood, it will turn out to be a win/win for you both. I know if I have a headache or am really tired I’ll have “lazy sex”, which Fiance appreciates just as much as regular sex b/c he knows it that or none haha. Plus lazy sex normally turns into regular good ol’ sex after the first few minutes, he just puts in the extra leg work to get me in the mood, and once it’s happening I’m glad we’re doing it. I found the best thing is to voice whats going on with your SO. Plus just doing it when you’re not in the mood can lead to you being in the mood. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think you  need to remove pressure to have to actually get down to intercourse when you do it. Focus on bonding over a bottle of wine and a good movie, relaxing and destressing, maybe some massage and a little foreplay. It doesn’t have to lead to sex unless you want it to. That can relieve some of the routine feeling that you have. 

Post # 10
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Have you read 50 Shades of Grey?  Reading that definitely helped me find the spark that I thought might be dying.  The first day I started reading that turned into a REALLY good night.

Post # 11
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Perhaps you feel a bit depressed now that he”s living so far away.  When my Fiance moved for work, I missed him so much i lost my appetite and just felt flat all the time, even though I knew it was only temporary. 

Also, like others have said, your schedule sounds really stressful and you are probably overworked.

Post # 12
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@alteralter123:  Therapy may do you two some good. My Fiance (33) and I (29) have been together for 3 and a half years and have been living together for 3 of those years. Like you, the first six months were amazing. Then the sex waned until we were having sex once every couple of months. We even went 6 months one time. It caused a lot of emotional damage with me and big issues between us. There is no easy fix for this. We did try couples therapy and it helped us be able to express ourselves. Our big issue, like many, is that we are always busy and tired. You have to make the time. You recognize that it’s an issue so even if you’re body is telling you I’m not in the mood, try to get in the mood. When you go so long without doing it your body and brain just sort of turn that switch off. Try watching dirty movies together. If nothing else, you might want to invest in a vibrator if you plan on staying in this for 60 years and not fixing it. Also, stop overthinking things during the act. I did the same thing and I would always cry at the end uncontrollably. I quit doing that and actually try to enjoy myself. Get what you want out of it. Your sex life is probably going to change a lot over the years when you have kids and get older and your hormones start to change. Also, you have to look at it as sex does not make a relationship or a marriage. It it important, very much so because it’s a bonding time. However, it takes a lot more than good, frequent sex to make a marriage work. Sit down and talk with him about how you’re feeling and see if you two can come up with ways to fix it. Try setting up a sex night every week. The ladies above also have some great ideas. Don’t beat yourself up and stop stressing so much. If everything else is great, this can be fixed. Good luck. 

@Tangled:  I guess I need to read this book. Damn, I was trying to avoid it! LOL

Post # 13
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m going to say what I’m really thinking here, because I’ve been thinking about this post a lot.  My fiance and I are intimate at least 6 times a week. That may not be normal for all couples, but it is normal and healthy and fun for us.  If you felt normal and healthy and fun at 2-3x a month, then there would be nothing wrong with that.

Where I’m seeing a big problem is the fact that you cried. We all get tired, but there is a difference between being truly tired from life, and from not wanting your fiance to touch you. Are you absolutely sure that you want to marry this man, or are you just caught up in the idea of a wedding and getting married? This is the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with. He may be the most wonderful man you’ve ever known, but that can make a best friend, not a husband. Because your husband has to be your lover, too. That’s a big part of the job.  If your fiance isn’t your lover, and if you truly don’t want him to be, then no amount of therapy or trying to talk yourself into it is going to help.

I’ve been where you are.  I was in a relationship where I cried during intimacy. It was shortly thereafter that I realized there wasn’t anything wrong with me. I was just trying to fight what I knew to be true: it was not the right relationship for me. I loved him, and I still love him. I always will. He is a good person and a good man and he is married now and I’m happy for him that he found someone who felt something for him that I couldn’t, even though I tried.

My advice is to have a long hard talk with yourself about what you really want. If you can’t picture yourself excited to be intimate with him tonight, what makes you think you’re going to be excited on your wedding night? Are you going to say you’re too tired on your honey moon?

Also, just because you can force yourself to kind of like it halfway through does not mean that it’s ok. That’s not how it is supposed to be. Love, relationships,and even sex take work, but not the kind of work you’re talking about. Carry Bradshaw called it “the ick.”  And once it happens, there is no way to get rid of it.

Of course, this is based entirely off of your post. I don’t know you and I don’t know your life. But if you’re asking complete strangers this kind of advice, it seems like you must be pretty distraught. I wouldn’t suggest couples counseling, but I would suggest some alone counseling to get in touch with why you’re feeling this way.  It might not be an answer you want to find, but it is definitely an answer you need to find.

Post # 14
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone.

Post # 15
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Tangled:  This is really great advice.

Post # 16
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about it which makes it worse than it has to be. I’ve been there and it doesn’t mean your not attracted to him but maybe ure just over thinking the whole thing. Try and do something just for yourself and relax. Tell him what your feeling, talking about anxiety helps diminish the strength of it sometimes.

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