(Closed) Well, your father and I are paying so… (vent/rant)

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2422 posts
Buzzing bee

Do you and your Fiance have the money to pay for the wedding yourselves? That seems like the easiest solution. Just tell your mother that if she’s going to control the whole wedding planning process, you’ll pay for the wedding yourself so it will be the wedding YOU want. 

Post # 4
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@SuperKate: I agree.

Or is there anyway you can get your dad’s ear on this? How does he feel about all her choices?

Post # 6
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

That’s what asian parents do. They count on you to submit and so far you have so until you decide to tell your mom to shove it (you probably won’t becasue asian parents will bring out the duster and whip you with it) your mother is going to get her way.

I honest to god see no real win win for you in any way. You either tell you mom to shove it or she controls your wedding. She won’t budge… that much I know.

Not to be mean, I’ve just seen this with virtually all my asian gf’s getting married. Their mothers (or MIL’s) are from hell during planning. *I* personally would tell her to shove it and either pay for the wedding *I* want.

Post # 7
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Or just go with it. Do whatever she likes, have whoever she wants in attendance. Eat her food, dress in her dress, decorate in her colours and just spend her money. Say thank you and move on. 

Post # 8
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow… what a chaotic situation. It seems to me that your Mother cares more about this wedding than you do.

If the wedding is important to you and you have the money to pay for a wedding yourself, then do that.

If the wedding is not important to you and you feel that your savings should go towards your future, then just don’t have a wedding. Elope if you have to.

Why give into tradition now if you’re never been very traditional before? I don’t care what the etiquette books say… this is about you and you Fiance and little to do with your parents.

I think at the end of the day you need to do what’s best for YOU and your Fiance. Seriously… put your foot down. Decided if all of this stress from your parents is worth it.


Post # 9
1986 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Honestly- if it were me I’d call it all off.

I’m not a huge fan of having a big wedding (by big I mean my wedding is going to be 100- I’d rather elope) but my mom is being super accommodating and my Fiance wants this as well.  If she were acting like your mother I would just say- have whatever party you want but I won’t be there.

Post # 10
2822 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would also call it off, or I would pay for it myself, so I can do it the way I want. Sorry you are going through this.

Post # 11
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Warny: You have not gone off the deep end, sadly that’s what your mother had done. Kindly tell her that you don’t like the direction things are moving towards, and find another way to do this. Either try to pay for it yourselves, or perhaps elope? No offense to your mother, but it’s not her wedding. If she doesn’t like something, she needs to get over it.

Post # 12
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011


Blargh, double post.

Post # 13
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Pay for it yourself, or elope..

Good luck!!!

Post # 14
14657 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I can totally see where you are coming from.  My mother was not as bad, but there were a few things that had to go her way.  They were pretty minor so I didn’t bother to argue and just went along with it.  I see it as 2 choices, as vmec says, its going to be lose lose situation.  You either put your foot down and say no, I’m doing it my way and pay for it yourself (which probably wont work cause she’ll verbally invite people and what not or guilt you into doing things her way) or you just smile and go along with it.  If they want to pay for a 300 person dinner, and thats what they want… fine let them pay.  She doesnt want his mom to go dress shopping??  Sorry, tell her your moms superstitions does not allow and but you will show her pictures.  I know how you feel, and we’re not raised to go against our parents esp when they are footing the bull, its not even a real option in our culture.  And yet we dont want to spend our own money to do things the way we want, cause it could be invested in soemething more useful.  Well, on the flip side, dont worry about the money, I’m sure you will probably get a lot of red envelope for gifts and they are usually quite generous.

Post # 15
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I would call it off.

However, I am not Asian and can not speak to what that would do to your family. I feel really bad that you are dealing with this.

You really only have three options…call it off , pay for it yourself or go along with what she wants.

Best of Luck!

Post # 16
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t think you should elope or anything drastic like that.  If it were me, I would decide what really matters to me and pick my battles wisely.  For example, if it’s very important to you that your fiancé’s mother goes dress shopping, tell your mom that she can invite the extra guests she wants in exchange.  You could also ask your mom about what really matters to her.  Maybe if she’s really picky about food or photography or something, you can let her pick that in exchange for giving you your way in other areas.

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