Post # 1
I got engaged about a month and a half ago after being with my guy for about 7 years. My mother has seemingly lost her mind since the engagement. I have gone from always wanting a wedding to not really caring anymore because of how controlling and mean she has become. Her new favorite phrase has become, “Well, since I am paying for the wedding…”
Not only are we super Asian, I am the only child and the last female cousin to get married. My mother initially was pushing for a wedding of 350+ people. She is always complaining about and worried about money but she thinks I am being a bad daughter by trying to tell her we would rather have the money she would spend on a wedding for the rest of our lives. If I want anything, she tells me it’s unlucky or untraditional – it’s like she is making up traditions as we go along to suit her needs. I couldn’t pick the colors I wanted because she said they were unlucky. Initially, she offered to pay for the bridesmaids’ dresses (which I let my bridesmaids know about) and then she got displeased with some of my selections so she withdrew that offer.
I finally got her to decrease her guest list but she feels (since she is paying!) that she can invite 150 people and that my fiance’s side should only be able to invite 50ish people. I think that is super tacky and though my fiance’s mom and dad would never say anything, I am mortified. She doesn’t want his mom to come wedding dress shopping with us (bad luck) and she doesn’t really want any input from them. I am on great terms with his mother and I so want her to be part of everything because I really do enjoy her company. Also, my mother has been cutting out people we have known for years because they aren’t the “caliber” she wants at the wedding and adding people that we barely know because they fit her idea of suitable people. She also keeps adding more people’s kids to our flower girl/ring bearer party – we literally will have about 17 kids walking down the aisle in addition to the bridal party.
I have lost interest in any part of wedding planning because she gets really negative and controlling. I have cancelled 2 wedding dress appointments because I don’t want to deal with the stress. I really wanted to have a beautiful wedding but now I am wondering if it’s going to be worth it. Other than putting the security deposit on the venue (I haven’t even signed the contract yet!), I can’t find the excitement or will to do anything else. My mom is a great woman but I can’t talk to her without fighting anymore. I feel that by not giving her this wedding, I am being super selfish but it’s really difficult because I feel that she is being really selfish as well. At this point, I don’t know if I am acting like a spoiled brat or if she has gone off the deep end. I keep telling my friends that I feel like me and my mom are going to break up by the end of this wedding and that is not what I want at all. The thing is I really need to start planning stuff since the wedding is set for April 2012 but I would rather be doing just about anything else! Thanks for listening!!
Post # 3
Do you and your Fiance have the money to pay for the wedding yourselves? That seems like the easiest solution. Just tell your mother that if she’s going to control the whole wedding planning process, you’ll pay for the wedding yourself so it will be the wedding YOU want.
Post # 4
@SuperKate: I agree.
Or is there anyway you can get your dad’s ear on this? How does he feel about all her choices?
Post # 5
We have money saved up but we are more interested in investing in our future than putting on a show for people. We would rather buy a second house and have money set aside for the kids that are inevitably going to follow.
And, my dad is just as bad as my mom. He has literally cried more times since my engagement than I have ever seen him cry in my life. He keeps talking about how he is old and going to die soon and just wants to walk me down an aisle. His mother, my grandmother (who is in her 80s) constantly talks about how she has just been waiting for me to get married before she passes. People in our community have been asking my fiance when he was going to propose from the first time he came to any functions. He is Irish and from a family where they are just happy if you’re happy. Everyone feels we owe this to the community and to my parents because we waited so long and because I am considered a very “old maid” (33) by Asian standards. I already cancelled the wedding venue once when they were getting out of control a month ago but I rebooked it after a week because they promised they would be willing to compromise more.
It’s more about my unwillingness to keep with tradition and do what they want. I have always been untraditional and it’s been hard on my parents because the rest of the community harshly judges them for my behavior. My parents have considered it a slap in the face that we waited 7 years to get engaged so they feel that it’s time for me to do the right thing and “listen” to them for once. I want to make them happy and show everyone that I am a good, dutiful daughter but it is becoming more and more difficult.
My fiance’s parents have also offered their vacation home for us to get married at so we can have a smaller wedding at an awesome location but my mother would end up inviting everyone out there instead. One of my cousins only wanted to invite a certain amount of people so his mother just verbally invited 100 extra people who ended up showing up so I know my mother would be capable of that as well.
I really appreciate you letting me vent and I really appreciate you guys getting back to me. I don’t have many people I can talk to about it because I don’t want anyone thinking badly of my parents or my fiance’s family thinking we’re super nuts! It’s just hard navigating between doing something for us and being the daughter I am supposed to be in this community.
Post # 6
That’s what asian parents do. They count on you to submit and so far you have so until you decide to tell your mom to shove it (you probably won’t becasue asian parents will bring out the duster and whip you with it) your mother is going to get her way.
I honest to god see no real win win for you in any way. You either tell you mom to shove it or she controls your wedding. She won’t budge… that much I know.
Not to be mean, I’ve just seen this with virtually all my asian gf’s getting married. Their mothers (or MIL’s) are from hell during planning. *I* personally would tell her to shove it and either pay for the wedding *I* want.
Post # 7
Or just go with it. Do whatever she likes, have whoever she wants in attendance. Eat her food, dress in her dress, decorate in her colours and just spend her money. Say thank you and move on.
Post # 8
Wow… what a chaotic situation. It seems to me that your Mother cares more about this wedding than you do.
If the wedding is important to you and you have the money to pay for a wedding yourself, then do that.
If the wedding is not important to you and you feel that your savings should go towards your future, then just don’t have a wedding. Elope if you have to.
Why give into tradition now if you’re never been very traditional before? I don’t care what the etiquette books say… this is about you and you Fiance and little to do with your parents.
I think at the end of the day you need to do what’s best for YOU and your Fiance. Seriously… put your foot down. Decided if all of this stress from your parents is worth it.
Post # 9
Honestly- if it were me I’d call it all off.
I’m not a huge fan of having a big wedding (by big I mean my wedding is going to be 100- I’d rather elope) but my mom is being super accommodating and my Fiance wants this as well. If she were acting like your mother I would just say- have whatever party you want but I won’t be there.
Post # 10
I would also call it off, or I would pay for it myself, so I can do it the way I want. Sorry you are going through this.
Post # 11
@Warny: You have not gone off the deep end, sadly that’s what your mother had done. Kindly tell her that you don’t like the direction things are moving towards, and find another way to do this. Either try to pay for it yourselves, or perhaps elope? No offense to your mother, but it’s not her wedding. If she doesn’t like something, she needs to get over it.
Post # 13
Pay for it yourself, or elope..
Post # 14
I can totally see where you are coming from. My mother was not as bad, but there were a few things that had to go her way. They were pretty minor so I didn’t bother to argue and just went along with it. I see it as 2 choices, as vmec says, its going to be lose lose situation. You either put your foot down and say no, I’m doing it my way and pay for it yourself (which probably wont work cause she’ll verbally invite people and what not or guilt you into doing things her way) or you just smile and go along with it. If they want to pay for a 300 person dinner, and thats what they want… fine let them pay. She doesnt want his mom to go dress shopping?? Sorry, tell her your moms superstitions does not allow and but you will show her pictures. I know how you feel, and we’re not raised to go against our parents esp when they are footing the bull, its not even a real option in our culture. And yet we dont want to spend our own money to do things the way we want, cause it could be invested in soemething more useful. Well, on the flip side, dont worry about the money, I’m sure you will probably get a lot of red envelope for gifts and they are usually quite generous.
Post # 15
I would call it off.
However, I am not Asian and can not speak to what that would do to your family. I feel really bad that you are dealing with this.
You really only have three options…call it off , pay for it yourself or go along with what she wants.
Best of Luck!
Post # 16
I don’t think you should elope or anything drastic like that. If it were me, I would decide what really matters to me and pick my battles wisely. For example, if it’s very important to you that your fiancé’s mother goes dress shopping, tell your mom that she can invite the extra guests she wants in exchange. You could also ask your mom about what really matters to her. Maybe if she’s really picky about food or photography or something, you can let her pick that in exchange for giving you your way in other areas.