Post # 1
I have known one of my bridesmaids for several years now – she’s been a great friend during my tough times & I’ve been there for her tough times. She got married last year and I was in her wedding. I decided to have her be in my wedding because she has been a rock. Fast forward to now (and a few months prior) and she’s been kind of weird. Distant. Not available. Says she’s always busy (she has been…but too busy to email or talk? I don’t operate that way). Her sister-in-law (who I know) got married this weekend (one of the reasons for being busy). I emailed her about half hour ago to ask how that went, and to tell her hi/stay in touch. This was the auto response I got: “I am currently unavailable. Life is too busy for me to respond. I look forward to communicating in the future.”
WTH? That’s a weird auto response. I just don’t know what to do. I’m hurt & pissed. I’ve been trying to reach out to her and keep in contact. I’m confused. Do I back off, keep pressing? I do have to say (maybe childish?) if I knew this is how our friendship would become (namely how she’d act) I probably wouldn’t have asked her to be in my wedding. I don’t even want to talk to her about wedding stuff, or my own problems, I keep asking how she is doing. Any suggestions?
Post # 3
Wow, and your wedding is in August, so you must be in the midst of planning Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses and all that, huh? Hmm. I think I’d call her and respectfully say that you appreciate her schedule and want to offer your friendship to her. You don’t want to take up too much of her time but you would like to please speak with her by X date (end of the week? next Wednesday?) about whatever it is you need to discuss regarding the wedding. Tell her you’ll keep it to a minimum. If she responds, great. If she doesn’t, and the deadline passes, call her again right away and gently offer her the chance to opt out of the bridal party because at that point, by her own “I’m too busy” actions, she would have proven her inability to stay connected about it. You can say you still want to maintain the friendship, that is not an issue (yet: Edit: you can address that between the two of you later in asking what is going on with your friendship) but that you want to be reasonable about the expectations for your wedding and not pressure anyone who is already pressured by so much else. She can’t reasonably expect to be part of your bridal party if she is going to be incommunicado. She can’t reasonably expect life to wait for her. She isn’t the only one who is busy and has a life. 😉 If you *still* don’t hear from her, write to her summing up that you have tried to reach her to no avail and that you are proceeding as though she is not in the bridal party as a result. Seriously, at that point, WTH can she expect you to do otherwise. Chin up. Onward, my friend.
Post # 4
That’s really weird. I’ve never had life be so busy that I put an auto-response on my email.
I would tell her that you’d like to talk it is important. Tell her you are worried about her and that if you can do anything to help her, please let you know. Tell her you are there for her. Don’t press…but leave it up to her. Then say that if she is too busy to be in the wedding, you fully understand. I would list out dates of things that she should be at (or at least her obligations to you – dress, shoes, shower, etc). Be specific as possible. Tell her that you understand that this is a huge undertaking and are more than happy to work with her or let her drop out.
Just be understanding. Come from a place of love. You never know what she’s going through…so be there for her if she needs. It might help to take the pressure of your wedding off the table. Leave it up to her.
Post # 5
I personally HATE when people use this excuse (being too busy with “life”) because for me, I believe it’s a cop-out for those people to be selfish about their own needs and wants rather than nuturing their relationships. Face it, all our relationships (SO, family, friends) need and deserve time and respect. If my friend acted like this, I would definitely have a problem with it and probably phase her out of my life (and wedding). Harsh? Perhaps, but the auto-reply would have sent me over the edge 😉
Post # 7
If I was personally in your shoes I know I would feel upset too, but I think my main focus would be on the fact that she has been reliable and there for you in the past, “a rock” as you said. For that reason I think that maybe you need to put your feelings aside and be a rock or support for her. Someone who sets that as their email response screams “burnt out!!” to me. The poor girl is probably going through some things that you might not even know about.
I don’t think it’s fair for her to brush you off, but given your past I think she does deserve you to be compassionate about what might possibly be stressing her out right now. I would give her some space and let her life settle a little before you press any further. Your wedding is in August so you have plenty of time to get details sorted. Number one right now is making sure your friend is okay and stable emotionally. It really seems like she is not. Once you have given her that space and time and she is still brushing you off then I think you could approach the situation by saying something like, “Look I know you have been really busy and possibly stressed lately, but I made sure to give you some time and space for that reason. Your my friend and if you aren’t going to find time with me then that’s something we need to discuss.”
My thoughts are that once her own hectic life settles down and you speak to her like this she may realize that she has been neglecting your friendship. She might have her head spinning so fast right now that she doesn’t even realize. Give her some time and if things still do not improve then you’ll have to explain to her that you’ve tried to be sympathetic to her needs, but now it’s time to plan your wedding and you need her help and input. If she still brushes you off after that then you need to reconsider the friendship as a whole. Good luck, I hope things improve 🙂
Post # 8
The e-mail response thing to me is a red flag. Could you call someone close to her to see if there is anything serious going on with her (depression, someone close is sick and she doesn’t want to talk about it, marital problems, etc)?
I know it may seem like you’re butting into her business and she’d tell you if she wanted you to know, but you say she’s a pretty close friend, so maybe a call to someone might shed some light on what’s going on.
Like I said, the email response thing is a red flag, and to me, it says that it’s not you specifically– it’s everything and everyone.
Post # 9
Uh, that is kind of weird o_O Is something else going on in her life?? Perhaps give her a call and see what’s up, maybe help her out if she needs it.
Post # 10
It seems this out of the norm for her, so I would be worried about her. Do you know someone close to her that you contact to voice your concern? I would continue to try to reach her. Maybe she is just overwhelmed by life at this moment. This seems like really strange behaivor. I would make your first priority finding out if your friend is okay and second priority seeing if she is still able to stand up for you at your wedding.
Post # 11
I was going to say the same thing as the PP… Maybe you should be a bit worried. When my friends (who usually are available) drop off the map, it’s because stuff has hit the fan and they’re REALLY stressed out. Shoot her an, “I hope everything is ok and I’m thinking of you” email, then leave her alone for a while. Chances are, she’ll come out from under whatever rock she’s hiding beneath and let you know what was happening.
Don’t forget, just because someone is YOUR rock, it doesn’t mean that you’re theirs. (Which isn’t a bad thing, it just is what it is.)
Post # 12
That’s the problem. I have been trying to reach out to her – to talk about her life, her business, her issues – be there for her, and I haven’t gotten responses back for the past several months (other than I’m busy). I’ll email/call/or text and wait a few weeks after not hearing from her before I try to touch base again. I haven’t talked to her about my wedding details at all.
She did call me last night (after I texted her about the auto response to make sure everything was ok). Apparently that wasn’t her “real” auto response. It was a message she sent to me. Funny? I guess. It just kind of pissed me off more. I did lightly say I’m glad to know she’s not dead, and to make sure she keeps in touch. I guess things are cool. Still a little odd.
Post # 13
ms. rice crispy treat: To me, that’s worse if it was a real email. That tells you she had the time to write that, so why doesn’t she have the time to write a three-line response to you?
Post # 14
Have you already chosen your dresses? Do they BMs already know what dress to buy? Because if so, she probably feels that theres plenty more time between now and august. She may have other stuff going on if she put that as her auto reply because thats going to everyone and anyone who emails her and not just you. You can just email and let her know that you are worried and could she please let you know if she cant be in the wedding anymore
Post # 15
@ms. rice crispy treat: that’s really odd. I’d be kinda upset that she had the time to write an “Auto Response” but not a real “hey, i’m busy, sorry. I will call soon, promise.” Kinda seems like she’s jacking you around. Again, I reiterate my advice that you should give her the out of your wedding…”You’re so busy…if you can’t do this, I understand.”
Post # 16
I agree with BackyardLoveBird. After the conversation you guys had and she said it wasn’t her real autoresponse (it was for you)…give her an out.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Weddings can bring out the nutty in people and you see this kind of stuff so many times on the boards. ((HUGS))