(Closed) Well…..We either made defenite progress or I just screwed up…

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee

So moving with him is conditional on him proposing? So if he doesn’t propose you will break up? What if he picks the second option?  don’t know if I would place that sort of condition unless I would be happy with both options. x

Post # 5
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Why…. All the ….. dots…. ?

 

and what if he wants to close to his family? 

Post # 6
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think you’re doing the right thing. You shouldn’t have to be the only one compromising here, which it sounds like you would be if he doesn’t propose. Since I don’t think you’d want to be with him anyway if he doesn’t man up in this case, seeing as how your request is completely reasonable IMO, knowing either way is better than not knowing.

Plus, if you don’t stick to your guns now, it sets a very bad precedent, and you might not be taken seriously in the future with regards to this subject.

Post # 7
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@karineh:  So you’re saying she should just blindly follow a man who may or may not ultimately want a future with her? His desire to be with his family shouldn’t trump her desire to be with hers unless some other compromise (proposal) is made on his end.

Post # 8
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@kansas_nurse:  I agree with the need for a ring/wedding before moving.

 

I caution you, at 24, to be so unwilling to move. I find that kids who have moved 1 or 2 times in their lives make more knowledgable and flexible adults. Their minds are able to comprehend change. So just try to stay open minded…there are cars, trains, and planes so you’ll always be able to visit family.

Post # 11
Member
9074 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I moved 1,200 miles to a state I had barely visited, leaving all of my friends and family behind for a man I had only been dating for 3 months.

Just because you’re engaged does not mean that you will survive. An engagement is nothing more than “dating with an expensive bit of metal and rock on my hand” and there is nothing preventing him (or you) from going, “You know what? This just isn’t working.”

Some times the little bird just has to jump the nest and fly. I 100000% understand you wanting to stay close to family — it’s your comfort zone, but I find it a little difficult to validate that by saying “If we need help…” because, like I said. Little bird has to fly sometimes. It’s nice to have a support group, but you can’t linger around that forever.

It’s up to you. I don’t support or humor the idea of, “I need to be engaged before I will move for you.” because it’s silly to me. Like I said before, an engagement is not a safety net to prevent you from falling. If you guys break up, there are no repurcussions. You give him back the ring and that’s it. At least if you’re married it’s a bit more difficult, but I think waiting to move until marriage is even sillier.

Enter the disclaimer: You’re allowed to have the feelings you’re feeling and it’s perfectly alright. I just don’t agree with it.

If you’re commited to him, and he’s commited to you, then I’d say just close your eyes and take the leap of faith and hope for the best.

I can only talk from experience. It’s what I did, it was scary as hell and it worked out great for me.

Post # 12
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@EffieTrinket:  Ok, so they are engaged: would the move be a lot easier then?

 

Post # 14
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@karineh:  I think so. Right now he is saying “move far away from your family.” I am sure it would be a lot more comforting for her to make that move knowing that even though she won’t be near her parents any more, she will be around someone who wants to form a new family with her. If he isn’t committed to her in that way, they will likely break up eventually–they won’t be on the same page relationship-wise, so I don’t think that would necessarily be a bad thing in the long run. But in the short run, if that happens, not only will it be really painful due to the fact that breakups inherently are, it will be compounded by the fact that she will have no support system there at all; she will be dealing with that completely alone.

That’s why I don’t think it is a bad thing that she is asking him to prove he is as committed to her as she is to him before she uproots her whole life. And yeah, it’s no guarantee it will work even if he is committed–I’d be the last person to try and convince someone that engagements always work out–but if he isn’t committed to her in that way, it’s nearly a guarantee that they won’t work out, seeing as how she really wants marriage.

The death of any dream is a huge strain on a relationship. Giving up ANY dream for your partner–a job, children, etc.–is generally a recipe for resentment in the future. That’s why she isn’t asking him to stay with her. She’s just asking for him to assure her she isn’t wasting her time. SHe’s just asking for a little insurance that she isn’t going to hold up her end of the commitment deal and him not live up to his.

Post # 16
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think that the stance that you are taking is fine.You are not being unreasonable.Good luck!

The topic ‘Well…..We either made defenite progress or I just screwed up…’ is closed to new replies.

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