- 4 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013
Just looking for general support. 🙁 Sorry its long…
FI and I have had a bit of a trying time with trust in our relationship. I am many years younger than FI and have had trouble dealing with the fact FI has a past (I have gotten way better over the years but I didnt start out so well) and I tend to be a jealous person. FI in turn used to speak about his past like it was the greatest thing ever (thereby feeding into my jealousy and anxiousness about his past) but he has also gotten way better about it. We are actually a very happy couple, we love each other very much and I really didnt think we’d be going to therapy months before our wedding.
Because I am a jealous person (and I know that he is not the only guilty party here– I am guilty too) and I get a little touchy when it comes to certain things, FI has developed a habit of lying to me. He thinks they are white lies, but in the end, I find out about it and feel betrayed.
Example 1: A year into our relationship, I decide to directly ask if he ever had feelings for a female friend of his (who I get weird protective vibes from) and he says no. I find out shortly thereafter he tried actually really hard to date her, shortly before we met. I was so hurt that when directly asked his question, he lied to my face. He felt like if I didnt know, it would be better and wouldnt upset me. This woman proved to be a really toxic person in our lives– I knew she was bad for us but FI defended her outright constantly. which brings us to…
Example 2: Toxic Woman had been making repeated odd offenses like relying on my FI (then SO) for things that boyfriends do (and yes she had her own boyfriend) and FI didnt understand why this was bad. FI would go to her when we had fights, and she would tell me he came to her, brgaging about how close they were. FI didnt believe me when I told him this and I begged him not to talk to her about our issues. He did time and time again, even though he said he wouldnt. She always came to me and told me. The final straw was him meeting her for lunch alone (and didnt tell me) and I learned about it later. We almost broke up. I told him that she would go behind his back and tell me things they discussed to throw it in my face, and how he was essentially developing a relationship with her outside of us– basically emotionally cheating. He understood and we have since pretty much cut her out of our lives. She isnt a problem. It has taken me a long time to get over the betrayal of him going out to lunch with her and repeatedly telling me he wouldnt talk about me behind my back to her, and yet did. But our trust has been getting better– until…
Example 3: FI’s boss at work quit and someone who was his peer became his new boss. She’s very pretty and nice and was unaccustomed to being a boss. She was super friendly. SUPER FIRENDLY. She had a boyfriend at work that used to eat with her everyday but then FI told me he was coming around less and less….and right around that time (and we had gotten engaged and suddenly women came out of the WOODWORK to dote on my now FI) her visits to his desk became more frequent, she would take him out to lunch, breakfast etc….even asked to go biking with him. He often thinks I’m being crazy (which is slightly possible) and I think he’s being naive (which is 100% possible) We plan to have lunch together once a week and once on my day to have lunch with him, she took him out to breakfast (he never has a big breakfast) and he wasnt hungry for lunch. This is unlike him and he’s a horrible liar so he got really defensive when I questioned him on his lack of appetite. He lied to me that be got a breakfast sandwich himself. Eventually it came out that his boss bought him breakfast. We had a long conversation in which I explained to him that while he may like the attention he gets from her, its highly inappropirate. That any behavior that she does to him, he should think about me doing that with some guy in my office– and if he’s not okay with that, then he shouldnt be okay with her (doing that to him). But..
Example 4: That boss left (yay!) and I thought I’d never have to worry about her again. FI took her postion and now has 2 people working under him. He was working at home 2 nights ago, and he scrolled though his emails and I saw a mention of lunch from one of his underlings. The next day I thought of it when he said pizza was brought into the office. I questioned him about it yesterday and it came out– the underlings planned a lunch and invited the old boss. (how convenient. She leaves and still manages to wrangle time to see my FI) FI has been very busy at work all week (which is why I havent even asked about our usual lunch date) and didnt even think about how to handle the situation, because he really didnt want to see her and knew it would upset me. We talked last night and he said he was afraid of saying that his underling planned a lunch to see her, and has been worried lately because people in other depts are trying to “poach” some of his workers, so he wanted to go to the lunch to make sure nothing happened. I said he could have at least told me about it and maybe even invite me. He looked so ashamed and said that he was stupid and he should have done that. He has been so stressed out he didnt even think about how to handle it before it was time for the lunch.
I am devastated FI keeps lying to me. I *KNOW* with all my heart he loves me and he wants to be with me. I know he doesnt want anything with any other women, he doesnt seek anything out. He also doesnt want to hurt me, and that’s why he lies to me. I told him I didnt want to marry him like this, I cant start off a marriage this way. I told him we HAD to go to therapy and he said he would go.
I just cant believe I’m here, bees. We’re normally the couple everyone wants to be. How did this happen 🙁