Post # 1
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
Hi All! I was once very active on Weddingbee for my wedding planning a while ago. I was married for only 5 short months and ended up getting a divorce. I started dating a guy recently and we were doing very well. Well despite the BC, I ended up getting pregnant. It has honestly not been a happy experience. He wanted me to get an abortion because he was not ready to be a father and he felt we were too young still (23 & 25) to have a child; that we had so much left to do in our lives. I felt as though we both made an adult decision to perform an act that resulted in reproduction and that despite all odds, we had done so unintentionally. I feel that I am old enough, have a very stable job and he has a home; I feel we have no excuse to terminate the pregnancy out of selfish fear or not wanting our lives to change. This is a constant battle between us and although we no longer fight about it because he has accepted my decision and I am coping with his honesty the best I can, I can’t help but be pissed the f off.
Please help me bees. How do I cope with him not wanting to have this baby? He hasn’t left me because of it, although we did take minor break a couple weeks after the news because of how overwhelming it was, but he hasn’t left me or said he wouldn’t be there. Just a whole bunch of “Well of course I’ll be there because I HAVE to be” type stuff.
How do I cope? My heart it breaking that he doesn’t want this with me.
And to make it worse…
Two years ago he started dating a girl that was 5 months pregnant. She separated from her husband because he was cheating. He witnessed the whole shebang with her. She had her child. He helped raise her 2 year old as well as her newborn for 2 years. He paid for her stuff, changed dirty diapers, witnessed her breastfeed, helped her child learn to walk. EVERYTHING. He willingly did so. And he doesn’t want this baby with me. How is that supposed to make me feel?
UGH! Please help!
Post # 3
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
I’m so sorry you are going through this and i hope he comes around and steps up. I don’t have much advice but I wanted to you to know that i really respect your decision on keeping the baby. i’m sure you will be an amazing mother.
Post # 4
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
Thank you so much totheislnds. That is all I can keep focusing on is that I just need to make sure I am a good mother.
Post # 5
Member
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I’m sorry he’s not welcoming your baby with open arms, but hopefully things will change as you’re futher along and then when he sees his baby. As for his ex and her children, try not to feel bad about it.. I think it’s a completely different situation. Maybe he was willing to help out and did all that cause he was never really tied to them if that makes any sense. They werent his children, so while he was there to help, it wasnt an obligation that he was bound to for live so it didnt scare him. It was something he could easily (I use the term lightly) walk away from, which it seems he did. This child is his, will always be, and perhaps that just scares him and so he says he’s too young for it and not ready cause now he knows his life is changing. I dont think its that he doesnt want this child with you, I think he just didnt want it right *now* and wasnt mentally prepared for it. You both may be there life wise and financially, but mentally ready is a whole different story. I think men just dont deal with and accept an unexpected pregnancy as well and dont think about the new life and joy it could bring over how theirs is changing.
Post # 6
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
To be honest, I think I’d leave him. But that’s just me. I would want the support that he is obviously capable of giving but unwilling to do so.
I agree that his enthusiasm may change down the road, though.
But congrats. Seriously. Keeping an unplanned baby is a tough decision for any woman. And I applaud you for thinking over your options and deciding which one is right for you.
Post # 7
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
What a difficult situation! Have you considered giving the baby up to a loving home (where both parents actually want him/her)?
I think it is heinously unfair for your SO to be forced into this situation. He has had experience with kids and knows it is not something he wants now, which is completely valid, and for him to have no say in this life-altering decision is cruel. Him having helped raise another man’s children his not the same as wanting his own, so I think this has less to do with you and more to do with him not wanting his own kid right now.
Saying he consented to having a child because he had sex (the “reproductive act”) is also utterly wrong, especially if you were on birth control. It sounds like he is a very decent man who is trying to do the “right thing” under horrible circumstances.
I think it is your right to keep this baby, but, just as it is wrong to be pressured into an abortion, it is also wrong to force fatherhood on him. Parenthood is hard enough on a relationship even when both partners are consenting.
I am sorry you are facing this. The only way to cope is to accept that he does not want this child, and then make your plans for the future accordingly. He may still change his mind, but for now you need to assume that won’t happen and decide how your life will proceed. Can you raise this baby alone? Or are you okay with forcing him to be a father, and living with his resentment forever?
Post # 8
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
@pinkshoes: You do make alot of great points about his ex that does help me put that situation into perspective. I guess I was just so jealous and caught up on him just doing doing doing for her and seeming to be SO against it with me. Maybe he will adjust with time. I sure hope so! :/
@ohmybears48: I have honestly been considering walking away. Not necessaraly forever, but getting my own place and seperating our lives to see if space could possibly help the situation. Not to force him to be with me, but to give him time to adjust on his own without me being around as a constant reminder. Even then, I guess it would just take alot of forgiveness on my part for what has already been said and done. Thank you for your support!
Post # 9
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
@Jade33: While I don’t completely agree with everything you’ve said, I completely respect your opinion and thank you for writing what you have written. It opened my mind to a side I had not thought of before. I have made my decision based purely on the fact that I am assuming he will not be there. I am prepared and able to be a mother alone to my child. I am in no way forcing him to be a father nor would I do so. If he decided to walk away for whatever reason, I would go on on my own. I made my decision to keep this child knowing that very possibility.
Post # 10
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
Agree with Jade33. You really can’t force people to do what you want them to do, especially when it comes to such a monumental life change.
It sounds like you want him to want to be an active father, but if he’s not ready for this step in his life he will most likely end up resenting you for it. A little tough love advice, if you decide that you want to raise this child, get used to the idea of doing it as a single mom. Give your child the best life that you possibly can, hope that he wants to be involved, and one day in the future you will have a partner (either him or someone else) who wants to raise your child with you.
Post # 11
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
It is good that you have decided that, if necessary, you can go it alone. Being a single mother is certainly not easy (I have not gone through this but have close friends who are), but honestly I think it is better than being in a miserable relationship with your child’s father. You deserve to find a man who wants the same things that you do, and can be a willing, happy father to your children.
The things I said were meant to represent the man’s perspective, which I think is sometimes overlooked where having babies is concerned. Women have all the pressure *and* all the control when it comes to babies, which is unfair both ways. Even if you are not forcing him to be actively involved in your child’s life, you are still having his child, a child he does not want — even if he’s not in the child’s life, he will still know that his offspring is out there, and he has no control over this. Also it sounds like he is a decent man who would see no choice but to parent his child. So, in a very real way, you are forcing fatherhood upon him. This is completely your right, and hopefully he will come ’round and be joyful about the baby with you, but from his prospective he probably has forgiving to do, also.
You do hear from men about how they didn’t truly love their baby until they first saw her, or held him, so you do never know what will happen in the future. But knowing that you have made your decision assuming your SO won’t be there, you will be okay either way. Good luck, and congratulations!!
Post # 12
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
I guess I feel for your bf because he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. I mean you acknowledge that you haven’t been dating long but then are upset that he feels unsure about having a baby with you. I understand that to you it’s not an option, the baby is yours and you can’t see his point of view but you have to know his reaction is very normal. To me it seems you are expecting for him to invite you and baby into his home but like PP’s I think you need to be able to provide the baby on your own and if it turns out better that’s a bonus. I know I would be of a very different opinion if you had been dating longer or married but that’s just not the case. I’m sorry, I hope it all works out.
Post # 13
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
I would offer up counseling and if he refuses, I would leave him.
My son’s father left us when our child was 7 months old. It was hell. I would rather he didn’t be a part from the get go.
My son is now 3.5 and my Darling Husband is seeing if he can adopt him. My son’s father has needed to be chased for child support by the courts, is a year behind and never checks in with him. I cannot wait to have him out of our lives for good.
He may just need time, but please don’t settle because you got pregnant for someone who is going to drag you down.
Post # 14
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
I respect your decision not to terminate; that is your choice. However, you can’t force him to want this child. Hopefully things can change, but I wouldn’t count on it. You need to have a serious discussion with him about whether or not he wants to be involved in the baby/toddler/child/teenager/adult’s life. And what if he doesn’t? How does that affect your decision? Are you ready to be a single mother? (NOT trying to say that your decision would/should change…but trying to get YOU to think about whether or not it would.)
If your Boyfriend or Best Friend definitely doesn’t want a child, then he is within his rights to sign over parental rights (meaning he doesn’t have to pay child support, but has no right to be involved in the child’s life whatsoever) & you two will likely go your separate ways if that’s what he wants.
As for him raising a child with his previous Girlfriend…that situation was very different, from how I see it. She was already pregnant when he met her, and he accepted that. You, however, were not, so this is a shock to him. Perhaps the previous situation made him realise that he doesn’t want children, especially right now, and that’s why he reacted the way he did to you becoming pregnant.
Post # 15
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
I don’t really agree that it’s unfair for him to be “forced” to have this child. The alternative is the OP being “forced” to abort the pregnancy. I just think if he wants to man up and take care of this baby he should, or he should leave and make it a clean break for the sake of the OP and the child. There’s no reason to stay and make it very clear he doesn’t want to. He needs to make up his mind.
In most states, from what I understand, it is ver difficult to give up parental rights when there isn’t a new husband/wife in the picture ready to legally adopt the child after the bio parent relinquishes. So I don’t know that they would let him, or why he would because he may want to see the child, and the mother deserves some support in this.
There are plenty of men out there helping to raise unplanned children, I don’t feel any sympathy for him that he’s in this position. Having a child IS a risk that both parties take when they have sex. Most guys I know who had children by surprise are head over heels in love with the kid whether they’re with the mom or not. Good luck OP, I hope he comes around, but if he doesn’t I’m sure you’ll be fine 🙂
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