(Closed) We're married! Now…how do we break it to the family?

posted 6 years ago in Elopement
Post # 3
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Normally I don’t advocate dishonesty….. but why don’t you just have a “religious” ceremony (as a follow up to to your *legal* ceremony…. maybe, say on your 1st anniversary) and no one will be the wiser (well, except for you guys).

Your *strict Catholic* family aren’t going to be happy unless your marriage is blessed by the priest and the church anyway.  So they will want you to have a convalidation.  This would just eliminate any of the fuss and hurt feelings.

My mom FLIPPED when I eloped last time – and I called her MINUTES after the ceremony.  If I had waited til NEXT YEAR she would have had some sort of apoplectic fit.

Post # 4
3000 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@3xaCharm:  You can’t have a Catholic ceremony if you are legally married. They can do a sort of “blessing” over your marriage (convalidation), but not a real ceremony in the church.


OP, why did you wait over a year to think about this? Just curious. I feel like the longer you wait, the harder it will be. It’s like ripping off a bandaid so you might as well just tell them as soon as possible.

Post # 5
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@ms.charming:  3xaCharm is right. Just have a ceremony in the church. It doesn’t have to be big or fancy, and if it prevent ww3 then why not!

Post # 7
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t advocate furthering a lie just to appease your parents….at all…..

You’re married. If they don’t like it, that’s really their problem.

I would probably take my mom out to lunch and break it to her then

there’s nothing wrong with having a commitment ceremony later for family, but being dishonest and letting the believe you’re marrying for the first time is plain wrong, and I don’t think a priest would go along with it

Post # 9
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

My coworkers parents were married by proxy!  One was in the Netherlands and the other in the US!  What does double proxy mean?

When you do break the news, do it in the most positive upbeat manner.  Exude happiness.  If you start with, “Sit down, I need to tell you something you may not want to hear,” you could be setting the tone for negativity.


Post # 10
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just tell them – you two are grown adults and can make your own decisions.  If you want to have an “actual” ceremony/reception and they woudl be super upset about not being present for your wedding – then just have a vow renewal – and they will never know the difference if you don’t tell them!

Post # 11
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ms.charming:  ok wait a minute, I think I was confused by the whole ‘proxy’ thing lol


So you didn’t have a secret ceremony where you said your vows—you are married but there was no ceremony


I still think you should have a nice ceremony whenever you get the chance—but if you don’t tell your family you’re already married (technically) you might feel uncomfortable–and you don’t want that to put a damper on your day

Post # 14
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Well Darling Husband and I married last year at the courthouse and this year the day before our 1 year anniversary we are having our marriage blessed. Darling Husband is becoming catholic =] I think it’s a beautiful thing to have a marriage blessing.

Post # 15
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Why not plan a small little “garden” ceremony before he redeploys and then do a BIG thing after on your anniversary.

A girlfriend of mine and her husband got married 4 years ago while on vacation in Aruba. They never told anyone and when they came home they simply announced that they wanted to do a wedding ceremony.  Its not necessarily a lie but an omission of facts to 1) save face 2) spare feelings.

I’m sure your families will be understanding that you want to do something small before he goes and do a big shindig when he comes home.

Post # 16
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ms.charming:  I understand where strict Catholic parents come from but there’s nothing they can do now so I would just have an informal conversation with them about it. You had a good reason to marry the way you did and they might be real understanding.

as far as your convalidation ceremony; Congratulations. You can speak with your priest about restrictions and requirements; I’m having one this September and my Church has told me this IS my WEDDING. A Civil marriage is only for our legal system but the catholic church does not recognize it.

My husband and I had to marry for legal reasons years ago but neither one of us nor our families considered this our wedding so we’re having the ceremony and small reception this year finally. ๐Ÿ™‚

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