(Closed) We’re not as much on the same page as I though we were…

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee

@Butterbee: That certainly is puzzling and I’m sure any other bee would feel just as hurt as you do. The best advice I can offer is to simply say exactly what you said here, to him. Put that way, he may notice that are contradictions in what he has told you and that it is reasonable for you to be feeling misled and insecure. I doubt he means to make you feel this way, so just ask him about what he’s said before, what he said now and tell him how it is making you feel. Best of luck.

Post # 4
Member
2731 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Butterbee: That’s certainly disappointing to hear ๐Ÿ™ How long have the two of you been together?

Post # 5
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

I think that it would be wise to discuss it with him. Like you said, it doesn’t bother you now, but it will later. I was in the same situation- my SO didn’t even want to talk about it. I spent months keeping it to myself, and was miserable. Tell him that it’s important to you, and why. It’s okay to want to be married. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable with a future that involved kids and everything, but not marriage.

You say he’s uncomfortable with the idea. See if you can get him to explain why, and what you can do to help, and what he needs to do to help himself. In my case, there is a lot of divorce in his family. I found out that I am able to help him by having regular discussions about marriage, and what it means to us, and showing patience for the things he’s still not ready to talk about, such as timelines. A year ago, he refused to talk about it, and told me he didn’t believe in getting married.

One more thing: whatever you do, don’t do what I did the first time – don’t bring it up during a fight. Not that I’m assuming you would. I did this, and it had disastrous results.

Post # 6
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

Hmm, that doesn’t make much sense to me either! Wanting to spend his life with you, wanting to have kids with you…. but not ready to TALK about marriage? To me that’s totally contradictory. I’m sorry. ๐Ÿ™

How long have you guys been together? And how old are you guys?

Post # 7
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Unfortunately some men want the outward appearance of marriage without having to actually make it legal. Lots of women have children with a man, buy a house with him, join bank accounts, and then wait around for a proposal that isn’t going to happen. If you know marriage is a non negotiable, and you’re not willing to wait until he decides you’re worth it, you need to be discussing it now. If he’s really mapping out a life that includes you, there is no reason marriage talks should be off the table. Second with PPs, how old are you both, and how long have you been together?

Post # 8
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I know it’s been asked, but how long have you’ve been together? If it’s been awhile then yes I can see how that would be upsetting. However if you are fairly new then I can somewhat understand his side too. When I moved in with Darling Husband then Boyfriend or Best Friend, we hadn’t been dating long but we knew the commitment was there by moving in and we knew we wanted to spend our life together. However, that didn’t mean I was ready to get a ring and walk down the aisle. That didn’t make our commitment to each other any less. We did talk marriage every now and then but it wasn’t a heavy subject till after 2 years together. So while I can see both sides, I can see how things can be said and misinterpreted. He should be able to talk to you about this. Just sit him down and ask him what his fears are with having the conversation.

Post # 9
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

@KatyElle:

That’s a really good point that a lot of couples have the “trappings” of marriage without ever making it official.

I think though, if that’s NOT want you want, then it’s a good idea to make clear that, in your mind, the way you see your life progressing is (1) marriage, (2) THEN kids (barring any happy surprises)

If your SO agrees that’s the order you want to do things in, then it seems odd to be ready to talk about the thing that comes LATER (kids) but not the necessary intermediate step (marriage). Maybe it’s easier because it’s more hypothetical?

Post # 11
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

Given that additional information, I think you may be worrying too much.  6 months isn’t very long, especially for 21 year olds.  Are you from a culture where people marry at younger ages and/or relatively soon after meeting?   If not, I would try to relax, enjoy the thrill of young love, and focus for now on the trajectory of your relationship- are love and commitment continually growing?  I’d wait until at least the year mark before worrying why he isn’t discussing marriage, even more if you guys are still in college.  That said, I’m not someone who would be comfortable living with a boyfriend without a firm commitment, even aside from religiuos reasons.  I think a woman deserves a man’s unconditional commitment before she uproots her lives for him.    

Post # 12
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Well, yeah you’re in the lovey dovey courting phase… of course everything is perfect now, the relationship is new. Ease up a little, both of you. He needs to not be getting so in depth about his plans, you need to not get upset that he’s not ready to discuss marriage.

Post # 13
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

Way too soon to be worried about marriage…and oh so young.  Hang in there and enjoy.  Start worrying about it at about the 2nd year of dating. 

Post # 14
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wayyy too soon.  You’te getting to know each other- what’s the rush?  Unless you’re trying to have kids by X age and get married first, there’s no expiration date you have to rush towards.

My fiance is 24.. when he was 18-21 he dated a bunch of girls who started talking marriage at anywhere from 3 months to 1 year.  He left every one of them within a week or two of their pressure.  We met when I was 20 and he was 21.  Sure, we talked about how awesome it was to be committed to each other, but we didn’t even talk about the possibility of marriage until 2 years in and then got engaged at 2 years 10 months (only about a month after I wanted). We got to see each other at our best and worst, celebrate both of our birthdays a few times, have anniversaries together, etc. We got to know each other fully and let our love grow. 

Relax, step back, and enjoy it! 

Post # 15
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

When I started dating Darling Husband, we had a deal that we were in it for marriage. What it meant was that this is what we were both looking for in the long term, and that as long as we were dating, it meant that we could see our relationship leading there. And that if, for any reason, one of us didn’t see us getting married anymore, we were not to waste each other’s time by staying together just to enjoy being in a relationship and have fun.

That did not mean that we were ready to make that commitment yet; but it did mean that we didn’t have any serious reason not to want to make it in the future.

So I don,t think it doesn’t make sense. It’s about knowing that you can see yourself married in the future, but also recognizing that you still have much to learn about each other and that the commitment can’t be made until you have more information.

Enjoy your relationship and getting to know each other.. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 16
Member
2731 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@KatyElle: <— Agreed.

I’m also 21 (my Fiance is 22) BUT we’ve been together for about two and a half years and we live together, so I think our situations are different. But being your age, I hope it doesn’t seem too condescending to give you some advice. I remember the first six months of my relationship with my Fiance, and yes, it did feel perfect, but that’s because we were in the, as KatyElle said, lovey dovey stage and hadn’t even fully gotten to know each other yet. I don’t even think we had had our first major argument by the six month mark. I can’t imagine expecting him to make a “commitment” (whatever you view that as) anymore than being my boyfriend after six months of being together. As others have said, try your best not to worry about it so much. I’m sure he wasn’t being dishonest about wanting to have a future with you, but it’s much easier to make vague statements like that. It can be more scary and intimidating at such an early stage when a serious, definite discussion is had. I wish you the best of luck and hope that your relationship continues to grow ๐Ÿ™‚

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