Post # 1
I’m heartbroken but I need some perspective.
He was texting women from his past that he dated. Almost 3 years ago. He promised to stop and then I caught him lying about having contact with one of them.
He swears they are just friendships (I have seen no evidence of anything too sexual, but just a little bit flirty). He swears they are people he went on dates with and there was no chemistry, but I know that there is one of them he talks to who he was SMITTEN with.
After telling everyone that we are splitting and confiding in just about anyone who will listen, he told me that he now knows that cutting off these ex-love interests is not the right thing to do, but it is my insecurities that are our issue.
Even my mother is telling me that he is allowed to have friends. He does have female friends, lot of them. Lots of them I like. But these weird relationships are tearing us apart and I can’t trust him
I have no idea who he is getting his advice from but he’s making me feel like I’m crazy.
Does anyone on here keep in touch with people they have dated? Is this normal since online dating started up?
Im being made to feel like I’m crazy and I’m now convincing myself that I am.
Post # 2
mendingbee : I dated someone similar to your ex. He was a terrible boyfriend and although it was hard to articulate, I just didn’t trust him. A lot of people said “he’s allowed to have friends” like your mom told you. It took a while but I eventually found some really bad text messages and dumped him ass. Wish I did it sooner. Don’t know if your man is like that but it seems like you know he’s bad news.
Post # 3
I think we need to know what you mean by “a little bit flirty.”
It’s his comportment in these friendships and the fact that he lied about having stopped them that’s important here.
The lying could be because his behavior is entirely appropriate and he resents your attempts to control him, or it could be because he’s getting some external validation via flirting with these women and doesn’t want to give that up.
We can’t know which it is without more information.
I will say I’m friends with most of my exes, and Dh doesn’t care at all. But also, I don’t flirt with them. At all.
Post # 4
Most men who are doing something shady will never admit it, therefore it becomes your fault, your problem. Don’t believe it. Your gut tells you something is off, and you should listen to that.
If you keep on with him, go along like a good girl and simply believe it is all innocent you won’t ever be able to relax and be happy. I know some people who have managed to be friends with exes and they don’t flirty text with them.
I think the term for what he is doing to you is gaslighting. Making you think you are crazy for objecting to something he is doing. That is shady and so are his actions.
Post # 5
duchessgummybunns : he discloses all of our relationship information to them and has in the past told me that they all said I have insecurity issues and that I should trust what they say because they have more life experience/ smarter than me. That’s referring to the one he was smitten with s
Another example one of them messages him on Facebook at Christmas saying “I can’t wait to finally meet you, I’m going to give you the biggest hug ever xxxxx” this one in particular never acknowledges anything we do as a couple however she will willingly send messages like that.
He doesn’t respond but I’m more so pissed at the fact he allows these people to continue messsaging him like this
Post # 6
mendingbee : he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He likes the positive, flirty messages from girls but he also likes the constant attention from a full time girlfriend. Even if he isn’t flirting with other girls, you don’t seem like you’ll ever be happy with someone who refuses to put the lame Facebook messages to bed.
Post # 7
This was the guy who said ‘She’s my other half at the mo’? Idk why you put up with that, I’m pretty easy going with respect to opposite sex friends, but he’s being straight up disrespectful to you and your relationship. F that.
Post # 8
Look- It doesn’t really matter what some chick on his phone thinks. If he was considering his relationship with you a priority, he would cut the bullshit with these extra side friends. I don’t think it’s necessarily an issue to remain friends with an ex (as long as neither one is still hoping for things to come back around in the future). But his behavior doesn’t sound like he wants to be in a relationship with you under the terms you need and THAT is insurmountable.
Post # 9
Screw separation. Just completely end it. He’s gaslighting you.
Flirting with exes is not acceptable in a committed relationship, period. He’s not willing to admit he was wrong, he’s spreading rumors about your relationship and he’s making YOU feel like it’s your fault?
Run, don’t walk, out of this relationship.
Post # 10
OMG is this the guy who said you were “together at the ‘mo” or whatever???!??!
DUMP HIM. DUMP HIM NOW. CALL A DIVORCE ATTORNEY.
Post # 11
mendingbee : I’m all for people keeping their friendships. And I’m all for people conversing with others than their significant other.
But why would he still be talked to exes? And more than one? I’m sorry but that’s a huge red flag. There is nothing good that can come from someone who is in a relationship and still talks with multiple exes.
You’re doing the right thing by listening to your gut.
Post # 12
sarathemermaid : these aren’t even exes. They are women he went on several dates with. He is still good friends with an ex he had an actual relationship with. I’ve seen their conversations and I’m completely fine with that.
I do think the fact that was very attracted to one of these girls, and how the others think they can speak to him sends out alarm bells for me. Ultimately, I don’t feel good in the relationship and I can’t trust the guy
Post # 13
He’s speaking poorly about you to anyone who will listen to him. He’s prioritizing these friendships over your relationship. Why do you want to be with him?
Post # 14
mendingbee : The only thing that might be crazy is staying with this loser who keeps showing you over and over that he is a loser. Being upset that he’s flirty-texting women he dated is not crazy. This is not going to get better.
Post # 15
beethree : I don’t. I just want to actually make sure I leave this knowing my issues with him weren’t crazy and unreasonable