We're separating over his issue?

posted 11 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 16
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020 - Clarksville, VA

mendingbee :  You’re not crazy. Get out now before it gets any harder. 

Post # 17
8770 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

mendingbee :  You’re not crazy or unreasonable.

Also, ftfy:

We’re separating over his issue?

We’re separating over his issue.

Post # 18
9332 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

He’s gaslighting you completely.

Post # 19
284 posts
Helper bee

Please leave him.  This is not your issue it is his and he won’t change. The mere fact that he is telling you that this is your problem should indicate that he won’t change. If he truly loved you and you were hurting it wouldn’t matter as he would do what he could to save your relationship instead of gaslighting you and making you feel crazy.

Two years ago I left my ex who was exactly like this.  You can go back and read my past posts but a year later I met someone truly wonderful and I’m getting married next year to someone who loves me, prioritizes me and never makes me question or feel funny.  He has a female best friend who I adore and wants the best for us completely different than the turd I dated before who kept sending flirty messages and had women bearing their boobs in my living room.  Not kidding I put up with some stupid stuff.  Now it’s behind me and I’m happy but I had to leave and stop ruminating and waiting for things to get better.

Not all men are like that.  Find one who prioritizes you.  But until then trust you instinct and get out.

Post # 20
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

You’re not being crazy or unreasonable. You are allowed to have boundaries stricter than in-your-face physical cheating. Do not let him or anyone else feed you that line of “letting him have friends.”

For the first 10.5 years of my relationship I gave not a care who my SO befriended or hung out with. I trusted him to be able to maintain platonic relationships with women and to have boundaries that would prevent another woman from influencing our relationship.

And for years it was fine. He was friends with women in college and it was fine. He lived with one of our mutual female friends for a year and it was fine. Once in college one of his friends developed a crush on him, and he distanced himself from her and showed me what she had messaged to him. It was always fine because he was always open with me. And he was always open with me because there was nothing shady going on.

Then he became friends with a female coworker while we were long distance. They were never more than just friends, but she confided in him and developed feelings for him. And when she told him right before moving away, instead of letting that be that and telling me what had happened, he kept it to himself and kept in contact with her via email. Yes they were still just friends, but I know he liked the validation he got from her and the fantasy of her. And I know it distracted him and impacted our relationship. I refuse to believe that I was unreasonable for having a problem with that. I refuse to believe I am controlling for telling him this relationship was inappropriate. I am not a jealous person and was not insecure before this happened. I was not out looking for what I discovered. I became insecure because of his suspicious behavior. And it was suspicious because he knew it looked bad, even if he had justified to himself that he wasn’t doing anything. It is something I will be pursuing with him in couples counselling because I need to know we are the same page on this, and he wants to reassure me.

So if this sounds like you OP, then no, you’re not crazy. You’ve seen how he interacts with these women, the kinds of things he says. What he was doing felt inappropriate to you because it was. If he’s not trying to make this right with you and rebuild your trust, then there’s nowhere to go from here. And of course he went around and told everyone his version of the story. That you “won’t let him have friends.” You know that’s not true OP. Don’t sell yourself short here. 

Post # 21
1683 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

mendingbee :  Oh bee, you’re not crazy at all.  I’m about as relaxed as you come with opposite sex friendships and these sorts of messages (from this post and your other post) would have me throw my dh out the door before he could blink.

Your dh has disrespected you to these women.  It’s time to stand up for yourself.  Lawyer up ASAP with the best lawyer you can afford. 

There are plenty of men out there who would never dream of treating their love like this.  

Post # 22
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Greenspot Farms

I’m married and I am still friends with several of my exs. We were friends before we dated, we broke up, had a rough patch, and repaired our friendships. I have even had casual hook ups with some of these exs when I was single.

Now that I am married I would never cheat on my husband but I still keep my friendships with my exs and I wouldn’t be with someone who demanded I cut someone out of my life just because I had previously dated them.

Now, only you know your husband and if you can trust him. So if the trust thing is an issue or if he crosses lines and is inappropriate then that is a whole different issue.

I just don’t think you can make a huge all or nothing statement that someone can’t be friends with their exs.

Just my opinion. 

Post # 23
115 posts
Blushing bee

Both my boyfriend and I keep in touch with some of our ex’s.  Neither one of us are “flirty”  with them.  Also, we don’t keep our friendships a secret from the other, we both have introduced them to each other.  We’ve also been together for 14 years & over the years, I’ve become good friends with one of his ex’s.

In my opinion, I think it’s ok to keep in contact with ex’s as long as you both are aware of it, no secret contacts.  Also, absolutely NO flirty communications.

Post # 24
10458 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

mendingbee :  

Some guys collect harems.  It’s what they do. Those men are usually on the high side in narcissism. They often also enjoy pitting women against each other.

There really aren’t true “exes” for these guys. They need to keep their prey within range, in case there is a moment of loneliness, gawd forbid.  They really can’t stand being alone.

Nothing good for you is ever going to come out of this relationship.

Post # 27
1379 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, Bee, if you need US to tell you that you’re not crazy, then you’re not ready to leave. 10,000 Bees could come on here and tell you that he’s a jackass (and he IS a jackass, by the way) and that YOU are not the crazy one, and it won’t make a difference until YOU realize that he’s a jackass and that you’re not crazy. You need to trust in YOUR mind, YOUR experiences, YOUR sense of right and wrong. Do YOU believe that he’s “just friends” with these women? Is his behavior that of someone who’s “just friends”? You have friends, male and female, I assume–do you behave this way with them? It doesn’t matter what your [fool of a] mother says; it matters what YOU think. Figure that out first and foremost. 

Post # 28
2533 posts
Sugar bee

Wait, this is the “of the mo” guy?

He’s trash, dump him and get on with your life. 

Post # 29
1167 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

This guy sucks.

Post # 30
9671 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

How are you still questioning this?

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