We're separating over his issue?

posted 11 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 31
3531 posts
Sugar bee

Guys who keep relationships like those alive tend to be insecure and never able to settle. Maybe this is a huge generalization, but my experience with this type of person is that they can’t be trusted and don’t respect their SO’s. I’d trust your gut. 

Post # 32
438 posts
Helper bee

sassy411 :  This is EXACTLY it. My ex collected a harem of exes and female friends and he looooooved the attention. Some of the women were really just friends and some he was trying to push further to always have other options available. 

I saw conversations with girls that made me a little concerned but nothing was too bad, for months. And then I saw him trying to convince a girl to get dinner with him while I was out of town. She asked if he was still seeing “the blonde” (me) and he said “kinda, not sure how much longer”. Meanwhile, he was asking me to move in with him! He was asking another girl why things didn’t work out between them “in November” and he and I had been dating for several months by November! He started hiding his contacts and deleting texts after I tried to talk to him about it. I am sure he was a narcissist and years after I broke up with him, he was still trying to get me to be “just friends” so he could have me in his harem too. 

mendingbee :  this is never going to change or get better. He is not only having inappropriate relationships with women and hiding them from you, he is gaslighting you and trash talking you to your own family! End it. Call an attorney and start the divorce process. 

Post # 33
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

He lies to you. How can you trust him?

Post # 34
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

mendingbee :  This is absolutely 100% innappropriate bee. He does not for ANY reason need to be in contact with RANDOM STRANGERS he dated before he met you. WTF?!! That is not normal, not ok and worst of all he is trying to act like it is ok and that you are the problem. NOPEEEEEE. 

I asked my boyfriend about this and he goes, ” what is this guy’s problem? He can’t be that desperate for friends that he NEEDS to be friends with random girls he dated for a second who are essentially strangers.” 

Get out bee, this guy is gross. Bottom line is this is wrong. My boyfriend would never have any desire to even be in contact with people he dated for a second a long time ago. What would the purpose of that be? It is pathetic that instead of making his own friends he has to make friends from the pool of people he barely knows and briefly dated. The world is full of people he could be appropriately friends with. He is CHOOSING to make friends with girls who he can flirt with, keep his options open with, and use for some sick ego boost. Keep reminding yourself what he gets out of his relationships with these girls. That should keep reminding you how ewwwie this is. 

You want to be with a man who would never do this because it wouldn’t ever even occur to him to try and be friends with random girls. The right guy for you is one who would respond and go, ummm why? Why on earth would I try and stay in contact with a girl i went on a date with once who didnt’ work out? 


Post # 35
86 posts
Worker bee

For someone who is calling YOU insecure he is clearly very insecure as well. He is surrounding himself with a narcissitic harem of women as has been said before. Why are his relationships with his friends MORE important than you? Yes, he can have friends and yes, men and women can be just friends but there is a difference between some of these women. You have said you are fine with some and not with other conversations with other women so clearly there is something amiss with this.

At the end of the day out of all the women in his life YOU are Queen. So what if these genuinely are people who are friends, the point isn’t his integrity but the fact is makes you uncomfortable. If you do have insecurity issues, then he should SUPPORT you. NOT go well I’m going to carry on like I am and not adapt in any way. He should go out of his way to make sure you do feel comfortable with these relationships, if they are so important to him. However, if it came down to choice it should always be you as the priority. First and foremost, if that’s not the case run and run far!

Post # 36
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think the bigger issue is that he lied. If there is nothing to hide, why lie? Don’t be with a liar.

Talking to other women is a separate issue. Some people don’t mind; some do. I am of the opinion that exes remain in the past and so that is a requirement for me and my partners. But not everyone feels that way. I would not be compatible with someone who didn’t feel that way.

Post # 37
9623 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

well, lucky for him he doesn’t have to date your crazy self anymore.  😐

You are not crazy, he is saying that to try and gaslight/bully you in to accepting something you know is off and disrespectful.  My point is, if you were really so “crazy” then he should be thankful to be free of you.  And frankly, if he really thinks you’re crazy–you should be thankful to be free of him.  Find someone who A. won’t gaslight you and/or B. has morals and boundaries that are similar enough to your own that you don’t feel “crazy” for being upset if they’re violated.


Post # 38
3667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Insecure and having boundaries are 2 very different things. Decide what you’re comfortable with and don’t let someone else try to convince you to be comfortable with more. 

You have told this guy what your boundary is multiple times, he just doesn’t care. Which makes this a boyfriend/husband problem. You don’t trust him, he doesn’t respect you… there is nothing here to salvage! 

For the record; No, it is not crazy or insecure to ask your partner to not engage in flirtatious conversation with others. And your partner doing so when you have said it makes you uncomfortable is good enough reason to end a relationship. Regardless of what him or any of his “friends” say. 

Post # 40
8770 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

mendingbee :  If things like this kill you, then you need to be more brutal in cutting relationships off sooner. If you don’t want to be with a man who sees nothing wrong with texting exes, then dump a guy the very first time you come to realize that he is texting exes. There are tons of guys who would never be inclined to text an ex — find one of them. Find someone who shares your same values from the beginning, rather than someone that you’ll have to convince or “set boundaries” with. Because all the while that you are trying to make them see that your way is right, they will be trying to convince you that their way is right and that you’re crazy for thinking it’s not.

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