Post # 1
So here is my story from before: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/should-i-keep-waiting-1
So we officially had our talk and decided to take a break – no talking, no hanging out and text once a day (which is very little compared to before when we would talk/text all day) I have a huge exam that I’m studying for and this has basically wrecked me for studying.
We talked again and both were miserable. So he proposed this: since he cant give me a committment and he realizes how unfair he has been to me after all this time and knows how much i have given to him in this relationship, i can go date other people while he figures out what he wants. but he wont look for/has no desire to date other girls (he says as a respect to me and how im truly one of a kind and he cant imagine loving anyone else etc). and when he figures stuff out he’ll come back to me but if i’ve moved on then he will accept that bc he lost his chance. but in the meantime, we can still hang out/act the same we always been.
since im studying for this exam – im taking this for now as i need as much emotional support that i can for this (and he knows how important this exam is for me too and wants to support me through it)
he also says that he knows that he’s always been the one with the upper hand in our relationship and with this, it would be me calling the shots. (whether we stay broken up, whether we get back together, when we hang out etc). bc he says that he does truly love me and is struggling with why he cant commit. and he hopes that with time it’ll come (he was also pro-break because he was feeling the pressure of the longterm relationship too and was stressing because he didnt want to get married)
i feel like in a “having my cake and eating it too” type of situation: like he’s ok with me dating other people (not that i have the time or inclincation right now) but is still there for me 100% and wants everything to be the same it always has been (because other than this longterm talk, everything goes well with us) and he wont look for other girls — how many ladies can say they have been in a situation quite like this?
what do u bees think of this situation? am i naive to still have hope? or should i just go with the flow and see what happens?
Post # 3
@mimi8325: I’m sorry but if he is ok with you dating other people it is probably over, likewise if you are actually considering doing so
I could be wrong, but it doesn’t look good
Post # 4
i cant get my head around someone saying that they truely loved me but cant see himself being 100% committed to me with marriage and is ok for me to date other people.
to be honest i think hes hoping you will be the bitch and call it off and move on – he seems to not want to either step up or step out of the picture. sorry
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2014 - Savannah, GA
I’ve seen this situation before and I’m pretty sure it’s not going to end well. I would just move on if I was in your shoes.
Post # 6
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I also agree that it sounds like he’s trying to take the easy way out by making it seem like you have the ‘upper hand’ when in fact he just doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
Focus on school and doing things for yourself and everything will happen as it’s supposed to.
Post # 7
Honestly… you’re not having your cake and eating it too… Do you think you could legitimately give another man a real chance if you maintained your current relationship as it is? Do you think many men would be okay if they knew you had a romantic relationship already?
If you really want to open yourself up to the opportunity of being loved by and loving someone who is able to commit to marriage, and if you really want to give him some time and space to figure it out, it is my opinion that you would need to take a break for several months, where your relationship is NOT the same.
Otherwise… he’s the one eating cake.
Post # 8
Yikes…… I’ve been in a similar situation. He played the nice guy card with “you deserve better” and tried to paint the picture that he loved me SO MUCH he would let me go because he wasn’t good enough for me. It was all BS. He wanted to breakup with me! but was too much of a coward. So yeah, we never got back together. Now, I can’t say that your situation is exactly like mine was, but I’m afraid it could be and I just don’t want you to be naiive like I was. I let him string me along during our “break” for far too long, I was totally ignorant to the fact that he was just really hoping I would move on. I feel like an idiot looking back, but it’s easy to believe those sweet things they say when you really really want them to be true.
All I can say is any guy that loves you as much as he claims would not second guess a commitment to you and would definitely do anything to keep you. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know how difficult and painful it is… but I think it may be his pathetic way of breaking up with you.
Post # 9
I’m going to go against the grain and say that you might still get back together. My fiance and I took a break after dating for two years. We were both very young and not sure if we were ready to commit to one another for the rest of our lives. After six months (some of the time we were talking, sometimes we weren’t), we got back together. Our scenario was different — neither of us were commitment phobes, we were just young and hadn’t dated too many other people. During our break, we both dated, and we both definitely realized that we were meant to be together.
Take this opportunity and really give it a shot. Date around (once you have the time and the desire to do so) and don’t hold back. Don’t keep hoping that he’ll come around, because then you might not give other guys a real chance. If it’s meant to be, it will happen eventually. 🙂
Post # 10
@mimi8325: Holy wow…. are you me like 5 years ago???
Girl, literally everything you have said in both of your posts is to a T exactly what my relationship was with my college “sweetheart”.
I’m telling you, he’s not that into you. Have you read the book? B/C…. it might help.
Trust me, after as long as you have been together….if he was “that into you”…. he would NEVER let you wander around and try out other guys while he figures out “what he wants”. He knows that what he wants is for you to find someone else and let him off the hook…
I broke things off with the guy I was dating for 7 yrs….. and Ran away…. moved on way too quickly. That was a huge mistake- BUT- it did break all the ties that were necessary. And I never considered getting back with him- I saw, that there were Guys that did treat girls better than the BS I had put up with…
We were on diferent wave lengths altogether…. he never wanted marriage or kids (and still doesn’t to my knowledge…. although I’ve not spoken to him in over a year). He told me he was “figuring it out” to buy time…. and just shut me up. We made all these empty deadlines, promises… I even wrote a “contract” and made him sign it. Ugh……
After some time the ex and I developed a….. idk… friendship???…. and were very honest with one another. He was pretty upfront that when he told me to date other guys- he never thought that I would— and we would get back together and complete that whole cycle over and over again. BUT, he did honestly think that I deserved someone that wanted the same things as me (marriage and children). There was way more to it of course.
Anyways, trust me…. He’s just trying to get out of this all…. and you know what…. date other guys- it might drive him insane and he’ll go out and buy that ring ASAP…. But, don’t count on it. Find the man that WANTS to commit to you….. those are the ones that are worth it…. Trust me… I learned that the hard way!!!!!
Seriously PM me anytime- I’d be happy to talk!
Post # 11
Agreed. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. Its that simple.
Forget him and start dating when you’re ready, not because he told you to. He’s hoping you’ll find someone so he can use it as an excuse to break up and make it look like you initiated the breakup.
You can do better.
Post # 12
<<— What she said!
Sorry to see your going through this. Hang in there!
Post # 14
Honestly I would hate it and be miserable being in that situation.
Only you and him know your true feelings and how’s it going to work. But it sounds like if you really hope to get back with him you need to stay away from other guys.
And how can a guy be 100% completely in love with you but not want to commit? I’m a person that has to have commitment. So I give you kudos cause I wouldn’t be able to be in your shoes.
Post # 15
Lady. It sounds like he is too big of a wimp to just end things with you. I think you should give him what he REALLY seems to want and end it, and all contact with him. At least for a while. Maybe in the future when you have really moved on you can find friendship with him again.
I just read your linked post..And it seems to me that maybe you are both really good people who enjoy each other, but still aren’t a perfect match. You ALMOST are, and you WANT to be, but it’s not quite right. And that might be why he is so confused. You are a perfectly lovely and wonderful woman, and he should WANT to spend his life with you, but the fact of the matter is he doesn’t. Sometimes it’s easier for people to realize they are wrong for each other when it is more extreme, or when your SO is awful or does something wrong. That might even be why he is pushing you to see other men..He needs a REASON, because he thinks the fact that you just aren’t right for each other isn’t good enough. And it IS. And you can both be lovely people who just weren’t right for each other who move on to find happiness with someone else.
ETA: sorry! i didn’t realize how old this was!! I’m sure you have figured it out by now.. Maybe you can give us an update?