(Closed) We’ve only had 5 weeks to ourselves!!!!! LOOONG

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Wow, this is a tough situation to be in… I honestly don’t know what I would do if I was in your shoes…

Maybe tell him that he can put his stuff in storage and sleep on your couch until he finds an appartment? That way, it’s clear that it has to be temporary, but you are still being a good friend (maybe even a better one for helping him become more self sufficient). I’m sure there must be listings for people looking for roomates in the papers, and he can find an apartment if he really looks for one – but he has to want to look for one – giving his room back will not have him want to leave.

Post # 4
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

i totally understand and i would feel the same way!

I think there is a major difference between helping someone out during a crises and 3 YEARS!!!!

I think that you really need to have this conversation with you Fiance. I am sure he feels the same way. If I were in your situation I would help this guy out but I would NOT move him back in. He can rent a storage unit for his stuff and then stay on your futon while he looks for a roommate and a new place. He obviously needs a roommate to pay rent and I am sure there are some people looking for a roommate on Craigslist. I feel that if you let him get too comfortable (move all his stuff back in) he has no incentive to leave. However, your Fiance and you need to be on the same page about this – so I would talk to him first.

I wish you all the best and I really do feel for you! I have had my SIL and Brother-In-Law with us since a week before the wedding (yup 5 WEEKS). They live in NZ so they came for a long visit. It was nice to see them but I want our space back! I couldn’t imagine doing it for 3 years!

Good Luck – Keep us posted!

Post # 5
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Im so sorry you have to deal with this! I reuly understand that your friend has been in a rough spot but something has to give. He cant live with you for the rest of his life. You guys HAVE to tell him that. There are landlords etc. who may not run credit checks. SOme places are willing to do accept bad credit but you have to have a heftier deposit. I hate to say it like this but he only comes back to you because he KNOWS he can. Explain to him that you are getting MARRIED adn this type of lifestyle isnt appropriate for your relationship. I mean come on do you want to come home to your honeymoon to your best man…Maybe there is another way to assist without him having to move back in. If I were in your position I would first talk to Fiance and come up with a game paln to confront best man….if you all were not around he would find another way…really he would…and i know because i have been in a similar situation before so i also know how hard this can be! I hope you find a way to work through this that does not put a strain on your relatioinship with your FI(because it will strain relatioinship with best man for a while)

*Hugs*

GOOD LUCK!!!!

Post # 6
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think it is time for tough love for the friend. He obviously doesn’t have the greatest skills in picking suitable mates for himself….but that has to be HIS problem. You aren’t his parents. YOu aren’t his siblings. You have helped him for years, and it sounds like he really won’t stand on his own feet until he is forced. If you want this time to build your marriage, you need to build BOUNDARIES!

Post # 7
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

i think that its nice you have let him stay with you for so long BUT he cant keep coming to you everytime things dont work out for him, you guys have become his safety net and he always thinks he can return… just like crayfish said, there must be boundaries otherwise this guy will live with you ever

Post # 8
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Here, repeat after me:

“No.  No, you cannot move back in with us.”

Say that to him!  Say it over and over again until he gets it.  Make your Fiance say it to him, too.  You and your Fiance are not running a hotel.  This guy needs to get a clue.  Friend or not, this guy is taking advantage of the both of you.  He doesn’t get to decide when and if he moves in with you guys – that is your decision!  Just keep saying no!

Post # 9
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree w/ everybody else!  I just can’t understand why this friend doesn’t have a sense that he should find somewhere else!  I would of flip if I were you, but you are nicer person than I am =P

Please talk w/ your Fiance, married life means the two of you, not plus a friend. 

Let us know how it goes!

Post # 10
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

wait…so did he just assume that he was moving back in with you guys or did you or your Fiance offer?

Post # 11
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Why can he not get another roomate? Why does it have to be you and FI? When I couldn’t afford to live by myself I lived in a house with other people, way more affordable!

Just explain nicely that you’re starting a marriage, he’s been there so he knows what’s what. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Tough love time.

I say, allow him to stay (not move in) for 2 weeks ONLY to get his feet on the ground and find a new place to live. I only think you should do this if he has to leave because of the teacher/affordable housing situation. You are not his parents and a “back up” plan for him when he makes poor decisions. Tell him to get a storage space for his stuff until he finds a place.

Your Fiance needs to have a heart to heart with him. You guys are building a life together and while you will always want his friendship to be a part of that, you are creating a home together and need your “couples” space.

Time to put on the big-boy pants and be independent. Good luck!

 

Post # 13
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

NO. Just tell him no. Eventually he’ll have to work things out for himself. He needs to stop relying on the two of you to bail him out of every bad situation.

I understand your sympathy and can appreciate that you want to help this friend. But he shouldn’t even put you in that position. You’ve already gone above and beyond by letting him stay with you for as long as he did.

Your Fiance and you should have a serious conversation about what you can do to help that doesn’t involve him living with you again. It could be damaging to your relationship if you’re resentful of this friend moving back in and you and your Fiance aren’t on the same page. Couples need their own space especially around the time they’re planning a wedding/getting married.

Post # 15
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Okay, first of all I totally understand your frustration as Darling Husband and I have also dealt with this in the past and both times it was HIS family who were imposing on us. You are not being selfish or unreasonable at all. You’ve been overly generous by helping Bridesmaid or Best Man out all these years and now that you are starting a life with your Fiance you need to set boundaries. I understand it comes off as a little cold, but you need to put your foot down in order to maintain sanity and not let anyone take advantage of you.

Second, you should discuss this with your Fiance behind closed doors and agree together on the right solution (which you’ve obviously done per your update). If you are willing to ‘help him out’ do NOT give him back the room, let him crash on your couch ‘for a couple of weeks’ while he finds a place. And really, IMO it is just as easy for him (or easier) to find his own small studio apartment and move there as it is for him to move back in with you two. Especially since he even admitted he KNOWS he was imposing and had to give you two back your space and privacy. So really that would be his goal anyway, right?

On a personal note, we had to actually kick out DH’s cousin once and it wasn’t pretty. He had a bad habit of coming up to NYC unannounced, asking Darling Husband to meet him out for a drink then announcing he had not place to stay at the end of the night. Then he would stay for several days and give us no timeline about when he would be leaving. I can’t even express how frustrating this was given we live in a small 1 bedroom apartment with no privacy for the bedroom, it is separated from the living room by an open spiral staircase kind of like a loft. DH’s brother has done this also, once he stayed for an entire week also giving us no sense of when he would be leaving. When we kicked out (well, Darling Husband kicked out) the cousin, it was very awkward but at least we stood up for ourselves and now he knows that behavior is unacceptable. I know it isn’t the same thing as someone living with you, but I can assure you it’s just as violating and frustrating.

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