(Closed) What a mess :(

posted 10 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5456 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I mean…do you think you’d have been celibate for those 10.5 years if you weren’t with your boyfriend?

This is what happens when you want to know these kind of details. Honestly, it was none of your business how many people he’s slept with (just as it’s none of his business about your number). I can’t tell you how to get over this. What’s done is done. He has a past. We all do. Either figure out a way to accept it or move on. 

Post # 3
Member
48 posts
Newbee

My friend, go to the “Intimacy” section and find my thread named “What’s your number?” 🙂 You will see 15 is really not so high. Especially at 32. You have been with your ex for 10 years, so of course you are less sexually experienced, but he really doesn’t sound like a player! Ignore that #15 and enjoy your new man!

Post # 4
Member
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

kfleming2017 :  

1)  Why on earth are you talking about your “numbers” at all?  What possible good can come from knowing?  None, obviously.  Just you being judgy.  

2)  He’s 32, not 17.  

3)  Why does it matter that they were all people he was dating and not one night stands?  I doubt he’s being honest about it anyway – 15 girlfriends seems like a lot.

Let this serve as an important lesson moving forward.  Don’t discuss it.  When you meet the right guy, what’s important is just that you’re the last one.

Post # 5
Member
1201 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

It’s not about the past, it’s about the future. 

Post # 6
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

You know what’s great about dating as an adult? Everyone has baggage. 

No, I’m serious. EVERYONE has baggage. Call it past history, if you prefer.  You, him, everyone you meet. You’ll have dated, had your heart broken, learned about what you like, what you don’t, how much you value yourself, what’s truly important, etc. When I started dating after my first relationship fell apart (11 years, and I was a fool because that was a horrid relationship) I knew myself so much better as a person, and my values were pretty fine tuned after that.

So, you have to be honest with yourself. If you absolutely can’t get over the fact that he’s had other sexual partners that’s fine. Cut him loose. Personally, I think that’s a sad thing to cut an amazing person over–your past history looks like ten years with a jerk. His looks like 14 somewhat functional relationships. Not sure why you’d cut him for that or hold yourself up as having a better past. But, if you can’t get past it, own your own values and end it with him. That’s your perogative. 

But also be realistic because as an adult every single person you meet has a history. I’d rather date someone with more experience than a virgin, but that’s just me. You won’t meet anyone that doesn’t have something whether it’s inexperience, lots of experience, previous marriages, or kids, or an STD, or who knows what. My now-husband and I have pretty different previous histories, and sure, it’s a learning moment when you get to know what other people have done in the past. But thank god my husband didn’t judge my character based on the loser I was with in the past….I’m not even that same girl who dated that jerk anymore. Maybe he didn’t get it right with 14 previous girls, doesn’t mean it won’t work with you. 

Post # 7
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

If you’re going to be this judgmental about sexual pasts, then I would recommend in the future that you don’t ask for these kinds of details. 

Having sex isn’t shameful.  Also, number of partners doesn’t equal “experienced”.  The total number of times he slept with someone could be considerably less than the number of times one person has with a long-term partner.  The types of activities done with a long-term partner may be far more intimate and/or adventurous than with a short-term partner.

Honestly, it’s really not fair to be so harshly judged by your past, particularly when there is nothing wrong with his past.  I would recommend doing some soul-searching and possibly therapy to dig into why you are so insecure about your present that you can’t accept someone’s past.  You aren’t getting any younger, so unless you’re dating virgins fresh out of high school, everyone you come in contact with will have past relationships.

Post # 8
Member
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

kfleming2017 :  I’m so sorry that you’ve been burned so badly. None of that is easy, but I’m proud of you for going to therapy to deal with some of the damage your ex(es) did. That’s a huge step and hopefully you’re feeling somewhat better these days, generally speaking.

I think you’re looking at every new relationship through the lens of your 2 bad ones. That is not to say that you shouldn’t be a little guarded or that it’s not okay to want to take things slow, but every guy is not THOSE guys. 

You’re upset that your current person has been with 14 other people over the course of (guessing) 15-16 years or so, depending on when he started having sex…he’s right. He can’t change anything that happened prior to meeting you. I’m sure plenty of those were people he was in a relationship with and cared about, and that doesn’t take anything away from you. You just happened to be in your first relationship for 10.5 years, and thus, have been with less people. Neither of you is wrong, but you can’t hold his past against him especially for stuff that’s more or less normal. 

YOU would have lived with someone if your FI at the time had moved, yes? YOU would have (probably) been with more people if your relationships had averaged 2 years vs 10, yes?

All the things you’re holding against him, are all things that aren’t malicious, aren’t being done to spite you, etc. His past relationships don’t take anything away from your current one with him, just like your past doesn’t take anything away from your current relationship.

You need to decide 1) what you find acceptable for your partner to have as a ‘number,’ and 2) whether or not that is a deal breaker. Then, be fair to your partners–don’t make them feel bad just because they did things differently. 

Also just as a word of wisdom: don’t judge so harshly based on his past. People have relationships, sometimes they don’t work out. That doesn’t make them a player, or slutty, or easy, or whatever. It means they realized it wasn’t working and called it off. To me, that’s smart. We all have baggage, you included. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of–whether you’re having it or you’re not–and to judge someone for doing so is ridiculous, and honestly, a little mean. What do you want him to do, magically NOT have had sex with his girlfriends from the past? Doesn’t work like that. Judge a person by their character, not by their number. Also stop asking a person their number.

Post # 9
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee

Why did you have a numbers conversation? Did you initiate?

I find it really immature to go into someone’s past in that level of detail. What does it matter that he slept with x amount of people? Do you think sleeping with two makes you a better person? What if you had more sex in total than him? You’re obsessing over him buying a house but you were previously engaged, you both have a history.

If you’re going to let this dictate how you feel about a guy after a year then maybe you need to take a break from dating and build some self confidence first. At 30 you’re going to struggle to date a man who doesn’t have a past.

Post # 10
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

kfleming2017 :  I’m sorry, I think you are being horribly unfair to your boyfriend.  

I feel like I have to be so accepting of everything and it’s all on my side. It doesn’t feel fair.

Did you ever think he feels like it’s not fair that you were so in love with someone else and spent 10 years of your life with him?  
He’s a 32 year old man, should he have stayed celibate in the hopes  of meeting you in the future?  Not so reasonable, right?

If you can’t get past his number, than admit it and move on, and in the future do not ask.  Otherwise, accept that at 30 you are going to date people with a past, it’s part of life.

 

ETA- your first 3 paragraphs are about your ex.  I’m sorry he  was so awful in the end, but do you realize that it has nothing to do with your current bf?

Post # 11
Member
2054 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh gosh, you are like me. I too am somewhat conservative about sex, and never did embrace the ‘anything goes, everything is ok” mindset most everyone has! 

You talk a lot about your exFI, let’s put that aside for now. This new guy sounds pretty nice, and I actually (even with my prudishness) don’t think that 15 partners for a guy aged 32, in this day and age, is anything to blink over. It can’t be changed and you just have to put it aside, if you can. 

If you can’t, then don’t give him a raft of shit about it, just break up with him. Maybe you will find a guy in his 30’s who has had only 1 or 2 women in bed. They are out there. Maybe a guy who was married a long time and is widowed or divorced. But they come with their own problems too. What is true is, everyone has something, it’s called Baggage.

Post # 12
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Greenspot Farms

You judging him for his number is really petty in my opinion. it doesn’t matter and you’re being super judgemental and trying to guilt and/or shame him. There is nothing wrong with sleeping with 15 people and there is nothing he can do about it now.

Either you can deal with him having a past or you can’t.

Post # 14
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

Your first 3 paragraphs about your ex are perhaps quite telling – I think your issue is more with him not being willing to move, and you’re projecting that onto this small issue of numbers and making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be.

To put things into perspective – putting aside what you know about his past relationships, if he had slept with one person a year since the age of 18 would you see that as a problem? In the grand scheme of things that is not a big number

Post # 15
Member
770 posts
Busy bee

Unfortunately it’s a conversation you should not have had. 

Nothing you can do about the past. If you love him and you found a great person that’s really what matters.

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