- 10 months ago
Hi Bees 🙂 I’ve read the forums for years but decided to join today as I’m looking for some advice/thoughts. I’ll try and condense as much as possible, there’s a lot to get out
I met my first boyfriend in college. We ended up staying together 10.5 years, were engaged. Long story short I had to move cities for work, my industry was non-existant where I was from. He knew this for 4 years before it happened and would constantly flip flop between promising to move with me, and then saying there was no chance in hell. 3 years ago I got a job offer in another city and I moved. At that point we were engaged for 6 months, and he promised he would “do everything he could” to get there and be with me. I’ll never forget the night before I moved. I was sitting in my room on my bed with my parents crying like crazy and he promised in front of them he’d be there. I moved alone. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. Still not 100% 3 years later.
He drove down every weekend to see me for about 9 months. At one point he started coming less. Would pick fights. Said he wasn’t going to ruin his career for mine and that he would never be here. Then he left. Forever. He never even officially ended the engagement. He told me he had been driving some girl home from work and she invited him up and he told me how badly he wanted to sleep with her. He called me every name in the book. Screamed at me. It was a lovely day. Needless to say I went to therapy (for the first time in my life) every week for a year after this. It ruined me.
I was single for a year, couldn’t even think about ever wanting to date again. I was a wreck. I hate him. I’ll always hate him. I worked on myself. Therapy, made a great group of new friends here, went out all the time, best year of my life. I decided I was ready to begin dating. How the heck do you begin dating after being in a 10.5 year relationship? Super hard.
Anyway last year I met 11 guys, went on a bunch of dates. Only one I really liked and wanted to keep seeing. 3 months in after numerous red flags I finally called it quits. I should add at this point that now I’d only slept with 2 guys. My ex fiance and this one. And it only happened once with this one but considering there was no way he was going to comitt and it wasn’t heading there I told him I didn’t want it to happen again unless I was in a relationship.
Fast forward again. 5 months ago I met someone else. We’ve been “official” for 3 months now. He’s the 3rd person I’ve slept with. I really like him, in fact I’m catching myself from saying I love you when we’re saying goodbye…but I’m having such a hard time.
First, he’s slept with 14 other women. I’m lucky #15. This bothers me to the core. I think about it daily. He’s had 3 girlfriends before me, the rest were people he was dating. No one night stands. Initially I had thought 7 in my head when he was telling me things then when I finally asked outright he said I was his 15th. My heart sank and I felt sick. I’m still beating myself up about sleeping with guy #2 when I knew it was a bad idea but here he is sleeping with 15 and feeling totally fine about it. He doesn’t consider himself a player, said he had to “have a connection” (whatever that means) and doesn’t feel like it’s a lot. Oh, I should mention at this point I’m 30, he’s 32.
I don’t know if I can get past this. He knows it bothers me. He said there’s nothing he can do to change his past, he didn’t know me then, and if he met me sooner then it wouldn’t be this number. No shit. But that doesn’t make me feel any better. His longest relationship was 4 years, and the gf before me lasted 2. In fact they bought a freking house together (not smart). So I have #15 in my head constantly, and knowing he lived with someone.
There are other things but I think I’ll save them for new posts before I end up writing an entire novel lol.
Anyway any thoughts would be appreciated. I feel like I have to be so accepting of everything and it’s all on my side. It doesn’t feel fair. Once he said maybe he’s holding me back from finding a guy that would be willing to move (he told me he also isn’t willing to move, like my fiance) and that doesn’t have a big sexual past.
Thanks bees Been having a hard time, I hope someone can shed some light for me. xo