(Closed) What a mess! (long)

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
1508 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sounds like you guys need to sit down and discuss this together. You both have different needs and you need to find a way to satisfy you both. Maybe even try a schedule until you figure out what works for you.

My Fiance asking for a bj in the middle of the night wouldn’t fly with me. If it was once and a while sure but not a regular thing and I would expect him to return the favor or at least offer.

Are you on birth control? When i was on the pill it completely killed my sex drive, I had little to no interest in it at all. I switched to the Mirena IUD and it’s better, it’s affected my sex drive as well but not nearly as bad as the pill.


Hope that helps ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 4
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Here are my thoughts:

1) yes, orgasms during intercourse vs. clitoral orgasms are different. I think most women find that the latter are usually more satisfying/enjoyable. I certainly do.

2) if oral sex before coitus doesn’t work for you, why doesn’t he take care of you afterwards? I’m pretty sure my sex drive would plummet too if I was in your situation. Generally speaking, the more orgasms you’re having, the more you want.

3) Maybe you should seek another doctor’s opinion. I’m assuming you’ve tried different lubricants, etc. to help with friction and discomfort?

4) If a sex position makes you uncomfortable or hurts you, don’t do it just to please your Darling Husband. Try to find something that is comfortable and enjoyable for both of you. If you’re into it, he will be too.

5) Don’t feel guilty for turning him down in the middle of the night b/c you were sleepy. If he wants “attention”, he should request some before 1am. Waiting until you’re drifting off to sleep and then guilt tripping you in the morning is selfish and kind of manipulative.

Part of me likes withholding because at least I have some sort of control (over something in our relationship, this is a huge part of it).

This is the part that really stuck out to me. I don’t know if you want to elaborate or not, but between this and some other comments you made, it sounds like you and your Darling Husband need to communicate much more openly. Other issues in your relationship are going to spill over into your sex life and diminish your desire for intimacy. You need to confront them, whether it’s via counselling or just doing some reading and introspection and having some long talks. Remember that, while your Darling Husband may be upset or even “crushed” at first, in the long run this is going to make things better for both of you. Taking the medicine is never fun, but sometimes it’s needed.

Post # 5
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It sounds like he’s not meeting your needs and that may be the reason for lack of sex drive. Sit down and talk to him about your sex life. Tell him exactly what the problems are and what you need from him. It sounds like he might be getting a bit selfish and forgetting that he should put as much effort in to pleasing you as you do to pleasing him. If you feel that way, don’t be afraid to speak up.

Post # 7
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Honestly, your ‘problem’ areas you think you are having, are not atypical.  A lot of women only orgasm via clitoral stimulation, and not penetration.  Some do both…it all depends!  Sometimes, it can be helpful to stimulate yourself while having sex to have the orgasm during the act itself!! 

It sounds to me that you have an awesome ‘grasp’ of your body.  From knowing what feels good, to not be overly aroused, etc.  I think that is an awesome start.

From there, you and your DH  need to figure out how to intimacy work for both of you!  Some ‘pointers’, imo, could be as follows:

1) Communication is key.  (sounds like he vocalized he is not happy with the frequency, but there is so much more to talk about!)

2) It sounds to me that the romance has died.  Although there is nothing wrong with different types of sex…at all…I have to believe/feel that having anal sex often would cheapen the act itself between husband and wife.  NOT that it is a ‘bad’ thing to do, not at all, but it becomes more animalistic at that point, and less romantic.  Again, great tool to use to ‘spice’ things up, etc!

3) If my guy were waking me up in the middle of the night to give him a BJ, I would turn him down too.  I do not care how much or how little we are having sex!! However, it is a great tool to use to spice things up…YOU waking HIM up with that special treat, etc.  I think when requests like that are made, and not offerend, it again takes away the ‘romance’. 

4) Do not overthink it, for the time being.  Add passion back to the act.  I think if things become to planned, then it becomes less enjoyable ๐Ÿ™‚

Finally, your health is #1, but again, it sounds like you have a good idea of what keeps you out of the doctors office, etc.  He may be first partner, and that is wonderful, but I would agree…sex is not always like the movies, but it can be damn near close.  I love the long, passionate sessions, and I equally enjoy the short, quick ones.  I think, bc, either way my partner makes me feel wanted/loved.  The orgasm, although an added bonus, is not necessarily always happening!

Im sorry for the length.  I wish you luck!!

Post # 9
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ay-yi-yi:  Have you talked about the pain you have to a doctor?

Post # 11
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It sounds like he is a little militant about sex in that he likes it a certain way (missionary with legs by your head, anal), and when he wants it he wants it (blowjob in the middle of the night).

While I think a conversation could make things better, there is only so much you are going to discuss. It’s the actual act you guys are having problems with, and not to sound like a Cosmo minion , but if you like it a certain way and are only aroused a certain way you need to take action and take the lead.

I think you guys are capable of having great sex since you can orgasm at all with penetration. It’s not impossible, but takes work, so you need to figure out what brings you there and practice that on repeat, regardless of whether he’s pleased or not. And let’s face it, it’s not like he’s going to have a hard time getting off, whatever the position.

You say that you think it’s “smelly and sticky”. Maybe you could both take showers before you have at it. I would suggest you sort of take charge and figure out what you like, then go for it. It seems like you don’t like too much foreplay orally. Find out what kind of foreplay you can handle, because that will obviously make the sex more comfortable, as you know. Whether it’s taking matters into your own hands before you guys have sex, during, or after, there’s a way to work this out.


I also agree with the PP who said its a matter of passion coming back into the equation. Even though you might feel corny and uncomfortable, maybe it’s time to add some more elements to the act again.  Lingerie, role play, having sex in a different area of the house. something that turns YOU on is important. Don’t do it for his sake, but for yours.

Good luck ๐Ÿ™‚


Post # 12
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ay-yi-yi:  Oh boy, I have not heard of that, I am sorry ๐Ÿ™  I agree with PP, ya’ll need to communicate & he especially should want to or return the favor to please you.  As far as how you’re feelign, I think it’s normal.  There are some days when I rather climb a mountain than have sex.  There was a period during the summer when I was really depressed about family stuff that I was having my period 2x a month and sex was basically a no go.  But, things got better, we got better, IT got better… Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Post # 13
2759 posts
Sugar bee

@ay-yi-yi:  I just want to point out that he MUST realize that most women do not orgasm from penetration. There really aren’t many nerve-endings beyond the first couple of inches, so unless you have a g-spot that’s easily stimulated you’re unlikely to climax from penetration. Some women do – I sort of do, after experimenting with positions, but it’s nowhere similar to a clitoral orgasm and I def don’t consider it on the same level. Porn has created this vaccuum of reality where the women faking like every movement is orgasm-worthy has trained men to think the almighty dick rules all, and it just isn’t true.

If he doesn’t believe you, there’s tons of research you can do to back up this truth. So the notion that he should be able to make you come with his penis is ridiculous and shouldn’t be considered here.

Post # 14
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ay-yi-yi:  If he has an issue with it, he could pull out before he comes sometimes. The pride thing is stupid. He should be putting you first, and he should have the sense to realize that women want to have lots of sex with men who do everything they can to make sure it feels good. If my Darling Husband had that attitude, I’d insist on sex counselling. Call him out on it! Who cares if you hurt his feelings? He’s being a pig. Maybe you can find some statistics to impress upon him how rare vaginal orgasms are for lots of women and how much more satisfied women tend to be with their sex lives if they’re receiving frequent oral. He came to you and said he was unhappy with your sex life. This isn’t a one way street. Any solution is going to involve effort from both of you.

Post # 15
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You’ve gotten some very good advice here so all I can offer are words of encouragement.  Don’t give up!  Sex and intimacy are very important parts of marriage, especially to most men.  Neither of you should ever have to feel deprived.  Sometimes men view sex as their way of being close and romantic, whereas sometimes women need the closeness and romance to feel sexy and in the mood.  Neither of those things are inherently wrong at all, but can lead to some misunderstandings if not talked about.  Keep talking to your Darling Husband about how important your sex life is to you, and that it is as important to you as it is to him.  Let him know that his concern is crucial to you and you’re doing everything you know how to help make things better.  And it is also his job to work on this issue as well, you’re not having this problem alone, he is equally part of it.

Personally it wouldn’t bother me if my Fiance woke me up for a blow job, but we already have an amazingly good sex life and pleasing each other is always our main priority.  But the desire has to be there for you to enjoy giving to him, so it’s good that you turned him down if you weren’t feeling it.  He should be able to understand that.

A lot of people have the same issues you’re having, so don’t feel alone or abnormal in any way.  A good sex life takes time and work (and practice!).  It’s a learning process.  Keep on the same page as your Darling Husband, and find ways to make him feel wanted and desired.  Assure him of your attractedness to him, of your love, and that you’re willing to work on this together.

Hang in there!  I wish you all the best!


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