- 6 years ago
- Wedding: January 1992
I’m a regular bee in hiding but I need talk this out and I need some advice. I’ve probably left somethings out so you can ask me whatever to fill in the gaps.
Our sex life is a mess.
This morning Darling Husband told me that he’s “increasing unhappy with our sex life”. His only issue is frequency and has nothing to do with the quality of the sex that we do have. Frequency is the problem and I know that, but I have no sex drive. And what’s worse is that I have no desire to please Darling Husband.
Here’s some background: When I meet Darling Husband I was a virgin. We dated for six months before we had intercourse for the first time, although we’d been having oral sex for about three months. I started experiencing pain pretty much from day one. I went to the GYN several times and she told me that I had a reoccurring vaginosis infection. This made sex pretty uncomfortable for awhile until I final got it under control but I still have problems with it to this day, and my doctor’s don’t know why.
Sex was nothing like I imagined. I fell victim to the movie version of it and the actual act was kind of a letdown. Sweaty, sticking, smelly. I had a hard time with orgasms, I couldn’t relax enough to get there and it felt frustrating because I (thought)I knew my body and I knew that I could bring myself to orgasm (masturbating) but with actual penetration it was very difficult. Finally, after about 6 months I was able to relax enough to have orgasms. What I realized was that my orgasms are very different depending on if Darling Husband is going down on me compared to when he is inside of me. I kept expecting to have the same type of reaction and I just don’t (I’m not sure if this is normal or not, anyone care to comment?)
In the past when I was too, whatever, to have sex we would do ‘favors’ which was oral sex. I loved this, because intercourse was uncomfortable for me ‘favors’ provided a bit of a break from that plus, I still have better orgasms from oral sex.
After about a year we started having anal sex. I was kind of blah about it at first but I’ve grown to enjoy it but I have to be in the right mood for it (whereas Darling Husband would do it whenever, wherever). As we had more anal sex, the ‘favors’ dwindled out. The only time he goes down on my now is before we have anal sex whereas I almost always perform oral sex on him before we have sex (as foreplay). I know what you are thinking, that’s not really fair. But, I’ve found that if I get too excited before actual penetration, it makes it very painful, my vagina swells or something and so that’s why he doesn’t go down on me that much. But it still doesn’t happen as frequently as I give me a random blow job.
So, for awhile we were in a good place. We would send each other dirty text messages, dirty pictures and we had sex maybe 3 times a week on a consistent basis. I know that sounds bad, but that was good for us (just to give you an idea of how inconsistent and infrequent it really was). During that time we started trying new positions, and Darling Husband found that he enjoys missionary a bit more if I’m in sort of a contorted position. Basically my feet my head. I’m a big girl and I’m not flexible, and I have back problems. These types of positions aren’t ideal and I’d find that I couldn’t orgasm because I was so uncomfortable (plus add in the friction issues that I mentioned before). So I’m uncomfortable and then Darling Husband can tell because I tense up and then he gets frustrated with me that I can’t just relax and enjoy it. And then we don’t finish and we are both left being literally sexually frustrated.
The newest thing that’s come up is he’ll ask for a blowjob in the middle of the night. This is the area where I start to feel guilty, the lack of wanting to please him upsets me the most. He did this to me on Sunday night, I couldn’t sleep and I finally went to bed around 12:30am, right as I’m about the drift off to sleep I can feel him turn to spoon me and he has an erection. Then he whispers something in my ear and ask for me to go down on him. It’s 1am, I’m tired. I don’t do it, I feel asleep. The next morning (in a joking tone that I know isn’t joking) he’s like “Why didn’t you go down me, you just left me hanging!” That was yesterday morning and than this morning he made the comment I started this post with.
I’m very attracted to him, that’s the an issue. Do I wish he were more romantic and that he initiated more, yes. But I love him deeply and I want him to be happy. Part of me feels that I should please him whenever he wants. Part me feels that he is extremely selfish. Part of me likes withholding because at least I have some sort of control (over something in our relationship, this is a huge part of it).
What’s funny is that as I’m reading this, I realize that I’m not satisfied with the sex that we do have. Some of the time I am, but it’s usually only when my sex drive is on, and I’m feeling horny. The other times I feel like I’m just going through the motions to please him. I’m upset because this isn’t how it’s suppose to be, and holding on to this stupid idealized version of a sex life is making me feel like my real life is in some way a failure. And I know that if I’m open and honest with Darling Husband, he’ll be crushed because for the most part I’ve just been pretending that everything is okay and it’s not.