(Closed) What a Mess!

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

i think with a year out, you have plenty of time to figure this stuff out, and most likely you won’t be able to answer those questions for quite a while.  i’m confused though- is she saying she won’t come if the stepfather isnt invited, or she wont come period?  if it’s the former, i’d say just invite the stepfather.

Post # 4
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would say include them in the program and invite them.  If they choose not to come then that is their choice.  I think you would be ok having a father daughter dance.  I have been to a few weddings where just the bride and her dad have danced.  I think you should do what makes both of you happy.  Plus you do have plenty of time to see what happens and figure things out.

Post # 5
Member
14657 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think you should still invite them both and let them decide.  But why would step father not want to come?  And really????  His own mother would miss his wedding cause her husband does not feel one inkling of connection to her son?  (An aside, but I don’t understand how a mother could be with someone with so litter regard to her child!)  I would really hope she changes her mind and see her son get married wiht or wihtout her husband.  As for programs… i’d cross the bridge when that came and hope that things clear up and get better by then.  And your father-daughter dance, if your Future Mother-In-Law really did not come, I think if it meant that much to you and your father, I’d still do it.  You can’t help if Future Mother-In-Law hurts Fiance by not attending, but I wouldnt take that away from my father.

Post # 6
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow I feel really bad for you Fiance. I hate it when women are so dependent on their spouse and they totally don’t support their children.  It totally sucks.

BUT

I think you should still invite them both. Leave it open for them to decide (a lot can happen in a year) but don’t expect them to change their mind, so you or Fiance aren’t too hurt when they offically say “yeah we’re not coming”.

Include them in the program.  Also have your father daughter dance. Here’s a suggestion, depeding on how close Fiance is to your fam. would he want to dance w/your mom? Or maybe a grandmother or aunt? I think it will be fine without him having a dance of his own, but if he really wanted to have his dance.

 

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry they’re being such turds.  I will say that when I got married, my husband didn’t have a mother/son dance because his mom passed away years earlier.  So in a sweet gesture, he dancd with my mom instead.  That endeared him to her:)

So I think if Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t come, having your Fiance dance with your mom would be a great way to celebrate his new family.  It sounds like he’ll end up being closer to your family over the years anyway.

Good luck.

Post # 9
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@puddingpop: I understand in a lot of ways. I grew up in a loving family and everyone is so good to eachother. Don’t get me wrong we are all crazy, but more of the fun crazy. My Fiance isn’t so lucky, his family is full of drama and we have had lots of issues with wedding planning because of some of the situations.

I took the high road. I invited everyone. His Father and Step-mother even though she is the same as your FI’s step-father. She “never wanted to have children and won’t pretend that she looks at them as her children just because she married a man that has children”  I did not however put her on the program. I listed his bilogical parents on seperate lines.

His mother who is not remarried and still feels like her and FI’s dad should do everything as though they still are is going to suck it up. She will be introduced with her grandson our ring bearer.  She has mentioned not showing up if we don’t submit to the way she wants it and so be it then. I am not trying to have the this is my day princess attitude, but we are going to do what we think is right.

Trust your gut. We are 2 months away from our wedding and people seem to be coming around and dealing with the decisions we made.

Post # 10
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow! That is a very difficult situation.

I would say invite them both and leave it up to them to attend. That way “the ball is in their court” and they can not say “you guys excluded them” and try to blame you and your Fiance. As far as father/daughter dance… I would say definitely do it. You shouldn’t take that honor/pleasure from your Dad because of your Fiance Mother’s decisions. I don’t believe it would be awkward @ all. As far as invitations, if you and your Fiance are hosting then your names only is fine. If your family hosting, then list your parents and you can leave out his Mother/Stepfathers name completely without any issue. good luck.

Post # 11
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with PP  – invite them both, include all names in the program.  Make sure in include something about his father who passed away – in memory of – type of thing.  I would still do a father daughter dance.  It’d be nice for him to dance with your mom if his really ends up not coming.  I highly doubt they’ll bail when it comes down to it closer.  Sounds like they’re just being dramatic since it’s so far away!

It’s very rude of step father to do this – when he married his mom he knew what he was getting himself into!  We all know you can’t just marry 1 person, you’re in their whole family now!

I would let them know your ideas and feelings and speak to him mom alone maybe, send some nice emails letting her know how you’re planning is going.  Maybe ask her to help you go shopping or invite her to a shower or something.  Then she’ll see that it’s about you and her son, not her snobby husband.

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