Post # 1
I’ve never said those words and it makes me nauseous to think about how selfish Im sounding. More to myself, than anyone else….
My family is wonderful. They want to give me everything I want for this wedding. I love them for it and I recognize it every second. However, they (as well as my in-laws) are very active community members, giving us a guest list of 500. I know that they will give me a stunning wedding with the best of everything in a luxurious ballroom. I know I am extraordinarly lucky.
Only thing is that’s the LAST thing I want. That’s someone else’s dream wedding. My fiancee and I are the simplest people. My engagement ring is the only nice piece of jewelry I own and its taking alot of getting used to! We want something casual and low key. I want something outdoors and rustic in nature. An intimate affair where the people celebrating our union KNOW us and keep it meaningful. I’ve compromised on the size figuring that on that day, my close friends and family will surround me and I wont notice anyone in the periphery. It is important to my fiancee to recognize that this is our parent’s celebration too and we shouldnt take that away from them. I admire him for that, but I cant bring myself to feel the same… The only venues that can accommodate a party of this size are huge, chandelier drenched ballrooms, and all I wanted was a tented wedding in a backyard or on a farm. Something intimate and casual and fun.
The challenge of finding this magical compromise has been too much. First off, it simply does not exist. Secondly, its been so much work I literally have not seen my family or friends in months. I want a short engagement so I can finally marry and move on to live my life with this man, happy and stress-free, and am inclined to say: “Screw it. Guys, its yours to plan. I’ll just show up and I’m sure it will be a great party.” Sure, I can probably do it. But I feel like, then, its their wedding, not mine. And its hard for me to think about this day as just a “party” when all I wanted was to make it meaningful and personal. What if I dont want to think of this huge turning point in my life as “just a party”?!?
Where do I draw the line between giving my family the gratitude I want to give them for all they’ve done for me and have them share this celebration with me — and yet have something thats meaningful to ME? I simply cannot bear the thought of forcing them to cut their lists in half. It will make them miserable and I just dont want this experience to be any more miserable. All I want is for everyone to be happy and celebrate!! I just feel like I’m the only one thats compromising and I’m the one that will be sure to get nothing that she wants on this day.
Post # 3
I know this might sounds odd, but since it is so important to your family to have this event. Have you consider pulling something like “The Office”?
You get married, just the two of you in nature and an officiant?
I know – not ideal, but it sounds like you maybe stuck with give your family THEIR dream wedding.
Good luck!! HUG HUG HUG
Post # 4
Is there any way that the two of you can elope before hand so you can have a small intimate ceremony with just you and your close friends? All you would need to pay for maybe is the officiant and then everyone go to a restaurant where you pay your own way? Then let your families plan the huge affair which won’t really matter to you since you are already married?
Post # 5
Can these suggestions work for you?
A earlier ceremony with a small group of friends and family.
Then the big party a little later.
Post # 6
I agree with PinkSparkleGrl. It sounds like since your family is paying for the wedding, they’re kind of going to get their way. Do you and your fiance have money saved up? Maybe you could have a small intimate wedding that YOU pay for. That way you get to do what you want. Just be clear that it’s really important to you that you and your fiance pay for the wedding and because of that, you can only afford to do such-and-such. Maybe suggest that you could also have a HUGE party where the family invites their 500 guests, but it won’t be your wedding day – just an after-the-wedding shing-dig?
If you can’t afford to do your own wedding, then you’re probably stuck with doing what your family wants since they are paying for it. Maybe you could just try talking to them about what’s important to you guys and what you really want. Maybe they’d be willing to figure out some way to make those giant ballrooms look a little more low-key and rustic? Maybe pull in some trees to put in the corner of the rooms, and have your colors being browns and greens and what-have-you.
Post # 7
Is there anyway to see if your families would compromise with two different events?
the ceremony: family and close friends only. Something outdoor and rustic and just want you would like..
than the reception: the 500 people and whatnot so everyone can be there to celebrate your marriage and it would make ur families happy. You could even do a vow renewal in the beginning if it’s important to your family and the guest to “witness” the actual event.
Post # 8
I can definitely understand where you’re coming from and honoring family is an important element of the wedding, but the most important key is the marriage and witnessing the union of the two you. Weddings are such intimate and personal events. I definitely wouldn’t want the majority of people present to be strangers.
Is there anyone in your family that you wouldn’t mind bringing this matter up with? Could you and your Fiance talk with someone together? It sounds like your family loves you a lot and loves providing the best for you. Their love should also be able to listen to your concerns and anxiety.
I sincerely hope this works out for you!
Post # 9
Okay so basically what I was going to say has already been said, but I wanted to say one more thing—-sit down with both sets of parents and express how uncomfortable you guys are with that many people and that lavish of an event. Is it possible they just don’t know you aren’t comfortable? Or do they know and don’t want to hear it and want to pay for it all?
Post # 10
Give this party to your families to plan and just show up. But elope and get married for real soon. How secret this elopement should be (only you and him and officient know or families know or friends) is up to you.
Post # 11
Troma- I can feel your disappointment in your post, but if your family is willing to think outside the box there are options for you that don’t involve chandalier drenched ballrooms.
It was really important for us that the outdoors was incorporated into our wedding. If your parents are paying, there are lots of outdoorish venues that can accomodate a party your size. I don’t know where you are at, but I’m thinking specifically of venues that I looked at in the Tahoe area– grand lodges with beautiful indoor rooms and views of Lake Tahoe. I’m sure there are similar venues that both you and your family would be happy with if only you stretch a little further outside of the conventional thinking. I promise you, it can be done!
Post # 12
Your wedding day is about you and your Fiance and, yes, family too, but really it’s your day (as is both of you). To me, your post sounds sad and not like something that you really want to do.
I echo what has already been said, which is to have a smaller, private ceremony and then your family can have their big party later. That way, at least you get what you want too, and you get to commit your life to the person you love in a way that you will enjoy. It’s YOUR wedding, so you should get some say even if others are paying for it.
My two cents for what they’re worth.
Post # 13
Have you and your Fiance actually sat down with your parents to discuss this feeling? Are they aware that this version of a wedding is completely at odds with what you need from the day? People can be shockingly oblivious when it comes tothis kind of thing.
Post # 14
Thank you all for your kind words… I’ve thought about all of this. My fiance isnt exactly on the same page. He, ideally, wants what I want, but for him, he just wants to be married to me. Skip the drama, skip the atmosphere and colors and intimacy. He just wants everyone to be happy and to celebrate. He has no doubts he can have just as good of a time with 500 people there as 50. And I think because of that discrepency, I dont want to take anything away from him or his family, nor mine… We do have some money saved and I’d love to throw something small for just family and friends, but just not sure our families will “get” that.
Post # 15
@tea: I agree with the oblivious thing. Sometimes, people just get caught up in the excitement and celebration of everything.
While having 2 different celebrations may be the way to go if they still want to invite all 500 guests, I don’t think that should be what you settle for first. This may be one issue, but if you don’t express how you feel, your family may continue to put you in similar situations that could potentially pile up until you end up resenting them.
Post # 16
If they pay for it then they get to have input. The only way to have it be completely what y’ll want is to pay for it youselves. Otherwise maybe you can look around where you live try to find a large outdoor space. This could be where you each get a say. It would have to be a large area but be in nature. Like a conference center in the woods or if there is national park closeby or something like that. You could have the ceremony outside and rent tents to house everyone for the reception. I’m sure if you talk with your families you can find some kind of compromise… OH!!!! what about a small daytime ceremony for just super close family and friends and then a huge party afterwards… that way you have the small intimate feeling for the ceremony and your parents get to have all their friends invited for the reception…. hope everything works out!!!