Post # 1
Only recently found this forum and I’m loving it! Everyone is so friendly and helpful so I thought I’d stop reading and start posting..
What do you guys expect from your bridesmaids?
My Fiance and I originally decided they we weren’t going to have a Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man as we are super close with all the bridal party (3 bridesmaids and 3 groomsmen). When we started booking the celebrant we realised that we would need to have one of them sign the certificate, and when I asked one of my bridesmaids she sort of elected herself to be Maid/Matron of Honor.. There isn’t really a polite way to say no to that is there? 😐
Anyway.. My self elected Maid/Matron of Honor is just out of a relationship and I think a little jealous. The only contributions she has to offer are photos of hair she wants for herself and the same with the dress. I will show her what I want and she disagrees and just goes back to her ideas.
My second bridesmaid has literzlly not spoken to me since I asked her to be a bridesmaid and she agreed (Which isn’t normal for us at all.)
And my third bridesmaid has been over to see the plans and offers to help wherever I need it. She is going with me for a dress fitting next weekend and has already visited florists with photos of what I want to get proces for me and save me some time.
I’m feeling like the other two bridesmaids are letting me down – Not because I expect them to be at my service, but I would like them to at least be a little interested in the wedding?
Am I being unreasonable? What expectations do you have of your bridesmaids? Anyone have a similar issue?
Post # 3
There is a polite way to say no: “Sorry, there’s no Maid/Matron of Honor, you’re all equals”.
Responsibilties aren’t very much: just be a support really, hopefully plan a hens’ night, and be supportive on the day. I did a poll once and it was about 50/50 on whether BMs buy their own dresses here in Australia, but the final choice of colour and style should be yours. We don’t usually do bridal showers in my experience, but many American traditions have a way of catching on. But anyway, you can’t expect a bridal shower will happen for certain.
Some girls are more into weddings and planning than others. It sounds like your 3rd Bridesmaid or Best Man is like that. I wouldn’t worry too much that the others aren’t. It is a concern, though, that one has stopped speaking to you. All I can say is phone her up…
Post # 4
This should help!
All of these are pretty typical.
As for myself, my Maid/Matron of Honor is my brothers fiance, whom I’ve known for a long time, and we generally get along well. And my fi’s sister, who I haven’t know for a long time, but we also get along well.
I do not keep many female friends, as.. well. All of them have turned into trouble, frankly it’s easier dealing without the drama! [I’ve had many best girlriends.. one who slept with one of my ex bfs while I was dating him. Another who later became a complete whore… i mean sleeping with 6/7 guys at a party! Another got addicted to meth]. It seems there’s no normal girls around here.
Anyway, since I’m not terribly close to any of these girls, I don’t expect much from any of them. They will need to show up, wear the dress, walk down the aisle, and take pictures. I can handle everything else on my own.
I know my situation doesn’t help you, and I hope you figure something out!
Post # 5
For me, I expect them to take SOME interest in the wedding (ie to ask occasionally how it’s going; TBF they’re all more excited than I am I think!), to pick a dress (we’re giving them $150-225 each towards an outfit, and they’re getting almost total free-reign on what they chose; no colour stipulations, and no real style stipulations (just has to be fairly formal, which they’ll go for anyway)), and to be present on the day.
I don’t expect them to help with planning or preparations, or to take a really active interest, and I’m laid-back about what they wear/how they have their hair and make-up etc.
I agree that different people are different, and some people get much more excited about weddings than others. I’d speak to numbers 1 and 2 though; it’s your day so you get a say in what they wear and how they have theit hair, and I would gently and tactfully make that point, and I’d speak to number 2, not about the wedding, but just to check she’s OK and that’s nothing’s wrong.
Post # 6
You all make a good point, thanks 🙂
I guess I have just grown up with them all and had expected a little more enthusiasm.
I think with bridesmaid 2 is that we are at really different stages. It is her 18th birthday in a few days and I am 19. She is into partying every weekend and drinking a lot lately (just a new thing) whereas I am happier at home with my man. I has tried to make plans to go shopping or to lunch or even just hang out at her place but she always seems to busy..
Anyone else experience this? And if you have already been through it, did it get better as you got older?
Post # 7
Sorry I’m late to this post! But I’m totally in the same boat you are! I’m 25 but I’m kind of feeling the same way about my BM’s. We aren’t doing a Maid/Matron of Honor or a Bridesmaid or Best Man either. We just feel its kind of weird to draw a line between them and also I don’t want to just put that kind of responsibility on someone but now I’m feeling like maybe that would have been best. My girls sound excited and they ask about the wedding but no one really seems to be offering up help besides one of them. No one offered to plan a shower, the bachelorette party, ect. I’ve only been a Maid/Matron of Honor once and it was unfortunately for a bridezilla.. We stopped talking after the wedding it was awful and this had a lot to do with my fiance and I deciding not to have MOHS and a Bridesmaid or Best Man. But when I was a bridesmaid I did the shower, the weekend bachelorette party, helped with invitations, communicated with all the girls and was basically at the brides beck and call 24.7. I kind of feel like I’m tip toeing on everyones toes, I don’t know I guess everyone is different though. I wish you the best!
Post # 8
@Bluebird16: Since my last post, things have been heaps better.
I have allocated ‘jobs’ for everyone on the day.
Bridesmaid or Best Man1 will be standing next to me and fixing up my dress/holding my bouqet when we do our vows.
Bridesmaid or Best Man2 will be making a speech at the reception
Bridesmaid or Best Man3 will be signing the certificate
I’ve found that now that they have jobs and feel special its fine not having a Maid/Matron of Honor. My mum is planning my hens day as we are super close and she knows what I want.. That way its not up to the girls and I’m not disappointed.
As for getting help with invites/shopping etc – Just ask them 🙂
Post # 9
I think you should politely let them know their duties.
I’m having trouble with my maids because they’re all my little sisters – ages 17 to 12. They are clueless and I’m finding that I’m a little hurt. They have been selfish and unattentive for the most part – not helping out at showers, etc. But you should talk to your ladies now…because if you wait a long time (like I have) to let them know they’ve shirked responsibilities, they will feel guilty/mad/upset/confused/belittled.
Good luck! :/
Post # 10
@MrsMagillToBe: You’re not being unreasonable. Expectation seems a bit of a harsh word, but yes, I think the bridesmaids should be interested in the wedding. First of all, they were chosen because they are supposedly good friends. Good friends, bridesmaids or not, should be interested in each others lives. I think that’s an expectation in itself. If my good friend was, say going on a trip around the world, I would be interested and want to hear about the trip and see pictures after. I think the same applies to bridesmaids, they’re friends, so they should be interested in this big life event.
The problem is, it’s not always like that. And I wonder if it’s because they are given that title, they think “Oh, now I’m suppose to be over the top interested, and helpful, etc. I don’t want to be so I’m just not going to talk to the bride”. Who knows. But it is weird, because like your Bridesmaid or Best Man who you haven’t spoken to, I have the exact same problem. It’s not like I haven’t tried to see her/talk to her either. I’ve even sent non-wedding related messages. Nothing works.