(Closed) What are bridesmaids and MOH duties? Debate

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Hostess
1427 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think it should be “be on your best behavior and don’t try to add more stress to the bride”

Post # 4
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

-Be the bride’s friend, offer support, put on a dress and stand up there on the wedding day

 

Anything else that MOH/BM choose to do, such as planning parties or helping with invitations, are extra special niceties that should be appreciated, not expected. 

 

“Bridesmaid duties,” ugh. They’re not your hired help, they’re your friends. 

Post # 5
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m curious to see what others have to say about that list. The first thing i thought after reading was “do you want them to get married for you too? “. I am currently a bridesmaid and also have bridesmaids and besides getting the dress and planning a shower/stag we’ve not been needed nor have i needed. For my friend i have been invited to attend her dress fitting but it is in no way an obligation.

I guess that list seems to me a bit involved for how much other stuff people generally have going on in their lives.

Post # 6
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@LadyMonster:  I agree!  I don’t expect my bridesmaids and Maid/Matron of Honor to do anything except be there on my big day and be my moral support when I need it.  If they help me with anything else, then that’s a bonus ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 7
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honestly these are all things I would do for a friend, if asked politely, regardless of my role in their wedding, and while I didn’t ask my MoH or ‘maids to do most of these things, I’m sure they each would have been happy to do so, as long as I asked nicely.

It’s when we start calling these things the bridesmaids’/MoH’s “duty,” “responsibility,” or “job” and assuming they will do whatever, wherever, whenever we expect them to do, that there starts to be a problem.

These are supposed to be our best and closest friends and loved ones. Do you really want to force them to “own up to their duties” just because Google told you it was their jobs? Wouldn’t it be better to accept that we each own our weddings, and politely ask for (not demand) help when we need it?

And if our “friends” won’t offer their help willingly and freely, maybe we’ve not picked the right bridal party.

Post # 10
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

For me, my Maid/Matron of Honor is there if I need to call her and chat random wedding stuff amongst normal chat, and to show up on the day, and help me if needed, I chose her because she is my best friend, and I didn’t expect her to do anything outside of normal friends duties.

I picked my dress with my Mum, I did my invites myself and the only thing that I asked her to do was organise my Hen night which she has done with another friend of mine, she has enough going on with work and life in general. It was mine and H2B’s choice to get married and delegating is just not my style, I want her being my Maid/Matron of Honor to be as stress free as possible.

She offers her help all of the time, but I would never put any of my wedding jobs on her because I simply see it as my job, I may collar her on the day to help me if I need to go loo and struggle with my dress but other than that I just want her to enjoy the day with me drinking champers and having fun ๐Ÿ˜€

Post # 11
Member
4520 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@LadyMonster:  This! This exactly. 

I sometimes feel like an unpaid laborer when I’m a Bridesmaid or Best Man…shouldn’t be that way!

Post # 12
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I can’t imagine wanting my friends looking at venues with us. My parents wanted to come and we said no. We had a moment when we realized our venue was the one and it was really special. I don’t think we could have had that moment with a lot of people there. I’ve been helping my Maid/Matron of Honor (who just got engaged last weekend and is having an engagement about 1/4 the length of  mine) find venues, but I only go as far as mentioning things she should ask, making sure she’s thought of everything and suggesting a few that I saw that looked like what she’s told me she wants out of a venue. I will go dress shopping with her (she didn’t come with me because I went dress shopping in my home state) because she wants me there. But honestly I think the main part of my job (as her MOH) is to shut up, listen to her vent and be excited with her. I work hard to keep my opinions to myself (because she should not and does not want the same wedding that I’m having) for things that are personal taste. I’m pretty honest with her (and she has been with me) about if she’s thinking about doing something insane, but unless she asks my opinion I don’t give it. I offer to help a lot, but not because I’m in the wedding. I told her when I got engaged to please let me pass on some of the information I’ve gathered (from being engaged for a year and half already) and not to hesitate to ask me to help with things like invitations. Part of the reason I’m doing that is because she is my best friend and I want to. And part of it is because I have a  serious serious wedding addiction right now and I like having another wedding to focus on. I don’t expect her to do the same for me (although she might because she is quickly getting addicted to it too lol).

ETA: The real job of Maid/Matron of Honor is to be my right hand woman the day of and make sure I  walk down the aisle and get married. And make me stop crying because I will be a complete emotional mess ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 13
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

These are the only duties that I think BM’s should have:

– to help make the whole experience fun

– to give honest opinions when asked for them

– to plan a kitchen tea/ hens night ( if the bride expresses a desire to have one)

– to minimise stress and maximise excitement in the planning process & on the wedding day

I’m currently getting all this from my BM’s and I’m repaying them by being the usual caring and fun friend they know ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 14
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

yeah, no way.  my Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs picked up their dresses at Davids Bridal and were just asked to show up for the rehearsal and wedding day.  we did end up going on a sleepover weekend for my bachelorette, but it was definitely not “required” or a “duty”.

Post # 15
Member
4014 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I just want my ladies to keep being supportive, buy a dress, and come to the rehearsal and big day! Anything else is just icing on the cake. I would love to have a bachelorette party or hens night and I’m sure my Maid/Matron of Honor is already planning this since she is the planning type and loves doing these types of things! I lucked out with having her as my BFF

Post # 16
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

The only things Iย  asked my MOH/BMs to commit to when accepting the role was to buy the dress we would pick together (and committed to keep it under $150 or I would offset any additional cost), come to the rehearsal/dinner, and spend the day of the wedding with me. I’m paying for hair & makeup and any other “extras” I’d want for them.

My Maid/Matron of Honor will do WAY MORE than that. She’s taking our engagement pictures (she’s an awesome amateur), I know she’s already planning a bachelorette and shower, and she’s just going to be awesome at anything I need. The other two have things going on in their lives that they may or may not be able to come to or help with any of the “extra” events, and I’m totally cool with that. Not to mention we all live 2 – 3 hours apart.

While I don’t expect anything more than dress, rehearsal, and wedding from them, I have to say, in a couple of other weddings where I could see the bride was really struggling and she had 6 local bridesmaids who weren’t helping – I totally judged them. She should not have had to handle everything herself and had BMs standing around twiddling thumbs. They didn’t help at all with a shower or bachelorette party (which were very important to her and she planned her own). Between SIX local BMs, and none of them were married or had kids, they should have been able to pull something together when they knew it mattered to her.

Those things don’t matter a ton to me. Basically, I think everyone needs to be really clear on expectations up front and honest with themselves so feelings aren’t hurt later.

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