(Closed) What are the main issues in your marriage?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 77
Member
514 posts
Busy bee

A few things, minor niggles, I am a planner I had a wedding budget spreadsheet and contacted vendors a year before he proposed, and although we are years off TTC I have a budget file which shows month by month what our baby expenses would be every month and different tables for different salary ranges (mainly to show how much we both need to be earning before we can start a family) he is very laid back, doesn’t even know how to use excel! 

However we are opposites when it comes to cleaning, he is a clean freak and will spend hours cleaning the skirting boards (who the hell looks at those!) every week, I am very lazy when it comes to housework, if something is dirty I will clean it but I am not good a maintenance cleaning 🙁

Post # 78
Member
5106 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

heputaringonit:  haha, well you hit the nail on the head! It seems like it’s a lifestyle all its own. I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve been all worked up and outraged over something that happened or something someone said at DH’s work and he just shrugs and says “that’s the car business.” 

Post # 79
Member
4065 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Essentially,  I’m a control freak, and he’s really relaxed. 99% of the time it balances perfectly, but the odd time we butt heads.

For example,  we have a baby on the way, and since I can’t control things like whether he will come early/have unpreventable health issues, etc, I instead obsess about buying him the best of everything, researching every item, having a perfectly decorated nursery, etc. My husband agrees we need all this stuff, and we did a budget together,  but I want to get it all done NOW at 20 weeks, while he keeps reminding me we still have months. And then i of course freak out about how we’ll never get it all done if we wait. This is a perfect example of the kind of thing we fight about /have to compromise on.

Post # 80
Member
3541 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

SithLady:  yes, it is a total lifestyle. My dad actually worked in the corporate automotive industry for 30 some odd years, so I actually love it. Well, except how much Fiance works, i don’t love that. 

Post # 81
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

awrench: THIS! FI’s mom ruined him by being the Stay-At-Home Mom that cooks, cleans, and caters to her families every need so they didn’t have to  lift a finger. I am also NOT about that life.

SithLady:  Omg snacks, sports drinks, and smoking. Same issue. Bad for health and waste of money.

I cannot deal. *pulls hair out*

Post # 82
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

sarbear21:  Yep, that kind of opposite-sex friend would not be okay with me at all. I think many of us can agree that when a woman is flirtatious and constantly seeking attention from one of her male friends that it means she is attracted to him as more than a friend.

I have had experience dealing with women like this more than once in my 40+ years, and in one case it turned out the friend was actively trying to encourage the man I was about to marry to break off our engagement, which he ended up doing and then hooking up with her shortly thereafter for a time. 

Post # 83
Member
1811 posts
Buzzing bee

 

MissCountryGirl727:  OMG–same boat here. I must say, reading that others are having the EXACT same problem made me feel slightly better. Slightly. I just don’t get it…how can you walk past an overflowing kitchen trash can that YOU use and “not notice it?” Red juice spills in the fridge that you just made and when you go to get a second glass…”don’t notice it?” Or how filthy the bathroom is getting? Or the floors? It’s blanket season where I live and my word…the amount of fuzzies on the floor. I wish I “didn’t notice” the stuff he is oblivious to! LOL

Post # 84
Member
2348 posts
Buzzing bee

We’ve been together 7 (going on 8) years and we don’t really have any issues. We honestly don’t even bicker. In the very begining his drinking was a problem but he’s been sober for years now (and got sober wayyyy before we got engaged, etc.). 

We still have “life” problems but our relationship just isn’t one of them. He has a really hard schedule (work full time AND school full time so he works or goes to school 7 days a week and has lots of 14 hour days) and neither one of us makes a lot of money. We don’t have a ton of free time together (but he’s graduating this spring- yay!!!).  I have some pretty challenging medical issues and neither of us is super close with our family so there’s that. I feel like my relationship is the easiest/most perfect part of my life and I know he would say the same.

Post # 85
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My Fiance does clean around the house, but he puts things in stupid places where i cant find them and half does things.  I have a place for everything where he puts things in the closest drawer. If i have a pile of washing to put away he will go through it for something he wants, and pull it all out of the basket. If he sees i am behind in washing, he will put random things in the wash and put it on, then not hang it out. 

His wallet! Every damn time we are leaving the house, he cant find it.  Ive tried to convince him to have a place for it, but he forgets.

All in all hes pretty good though. He would complain about my anxiety and anger issues. We have an agreement that mental illness is not an excuse for poor behaviour. Im almost in control of it drug free, but every now and then i will overreact or overthink and it starts an arguement.

Post # 86
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2016

We both have issues and I think I have more, so I’m so thankful to my FH for sticking with me as we work to improve ourselves for each other’s sake.

FH’s issues…

he is a very laidback type and loves me a LOT and this means will do whatever I want, whenever I want, at the expense of his own wants or needs. I don’t like this at all and have tried many times to get him to express himself when he wants something, or has an opinion, or doesn’t like something that I say or do. I will outright ask him, “What would you like?” or “Are you okay with this?” etc. and he still won’t pipe up. He knows this is an issue and he tries. After 3.5 years together (and six months until our marriage) he is going into counseling for this – and a couple other issues – next week. I’m so excited for him to make strides on this. It’s not fun for me to be an accidental bully.

Any time he doesn’t want to do something, he becomes an idiot. Like, huh? What? How do I do this? But what is? I don’t know? He’s in his mid-30’s, extremely intelligent, very practical, could solve any problem in the garage or house, can watch a youtube video and then fix the car exactly correctly lol, etc. But rinsing the oatmeal off his bowl so it doesn’t harden before I put it in the dishwasher? Can’t figure it out. But I held it under the water! Well grab the sponge or use the sprayer thing! You can clearly see it’s not clean. Don’t pull that crap with me. Drives me nuts! lol. We are still working on this one. 😉 

Those are the biggies for him.

My issues are mostly emotional, bad anxiety, low motivation, not following through with stuff, etc. I struggle with depression and an addictive personality so I get really “into” stuff and focus solely on that. Sometimes that’s good (like when I’m dieting and focused on cooking at home and trying new recipes) and sometimes it’s bad (like when I watch 7 hours of Seinfeld on Hulu on my day off instead of doing the chores I said I would do). Overall, we have fairly compatible levels of messiness but I don’t keep up with my end of things consistently and it makes it hard for him to pick up my slack. I could go way more into this but you get the idea. 😛 This is a really shitty part of my deal at the moment and I am always striving to improve. Therapy, behavioral changes, etc. I’m better than I was but still really struggle. FH sticks with me, forgives me, helps me, etc. He’s so amazing. Whenever I am really annoyed with him for one of the above reasons, I try to remember how caring and loving he is with my issues and try to emulate that.

Post # 87
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Before I was pregnant our biggest issue was chores. I knew he did not like to have a clean house before I married him but he assured me that would change once we were married and living under the same roof. Boy was I naive. Now that I’m pregnant I have no energy to clean which has forced him to take over household duties. The house is still a mess but at least he’s making an effort. 

Now we fight about our families. We are an interracial couple with different political views. This is not an issue between us until I go to his parent’s house. Whenever I go over to his parents, they will very strongly say that I am wrong about issues (even if I don’t state an opinion either way). My husband constantly defends them but then wants to talk about my family and throws a fit when I want to spend a holiday with them. It’s very annoying to the point that I don’t want to go over there more than once a month. At thanksgiving all I said was I don’t want loaded guns lying around my house (husband does this because it’s just the two of us and is lazy about putting them away) and my mil said I’d be happy one day to have a loaded gun when someone breaks in and tries to attack my family. What kind of bs is that? I didn’t say she couldn’t have loaded weapons at her house. Shes not going to have small children living with her. Although my husband agrees with me he was quick to defend his mother. It’s just annoying. 

Beyond that we get along pretty well for the most part. For ladies who hate that their husbands play or watch sports my advice is to join them. That has made it way more fun for the both of us. And if I’m not into it I do something with girlfriends. My husband hates when I’m having fun without him so usually he’ll give up a game or two if we can do something fun together

Post # 88
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

Not married yet, but we’ve lived together for a year and a half. 

He’s clean, I’m messy. That’s the biggest one haha. 

Post # 89
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

There’s a lot of things that annoy me, like his eating and housekeeping habits. It doesn’t usually bother me that much. But I get really moody for one day a few days for my period. And I always end up picking a fight about those things on that day. It’s like clockwork. 

Post # 90
Member
31 posts
Newbee

what a great thread. Thanks for the question. I think every couple have issues that will never ever be resolved, and that you just have a to find a way through them. I think ours are:

– family: my feelings get hurt by some of their actions/comments. I speak to my girlfriends about it and try not to mention to him anymore as a) he can’t help it b) it upsets him to hear i’m upset c) ive tried speaking with them before and they don’t really get where I am coming from / its their family culture.

– chores: we have a cleaner but he doesn’t see what i do/ critisises what i do and then needs to be asked to do thinks then requires a round of applause following. 

 

Has anyone read the recent study on the top 5 reasons why couples get divorced? its amazing. it says top 1) is looking down on the other person 2) is critism 3) bikering etc. Ill see if i can pull it out. It is more about how you deal with arguments rather than what they are over. 

 

x

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