(Closed) what are the pre-existing conditions of being in a wedding party?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 33
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@rawrrrrr:  I can fully understand if they all WANT to wear the same dress, but if they don’t, there really isn’t any “rule” that could reasonably mandate them doing so. People often make the argument of “it’s tradition”, but really, it was once a “tradition” to display the bloody sheet after the consumpation to “prove” that the bride was in fact a virgin. Some traditions are best left in the past.

Post # 34
Member
574 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I just wanted to hang out with my friends and play dress-up! 

Honestly, for the Bachelorette party I paid for most everything including hotel room and alcohol (even though I haven’t drank in almost a year), because I didn’t think that was their responsibility–I’m the one getting married!  If they wanted to pitch in, great! I did make them pay for their show tickets, though, but only after I told them the different prices of tickets beforehand and made a poll so they all voted (anonymously)–and they all voted for the front row–total $60.

Also now that we’re having a destination wedding (at first we weren’t) I didn’t even want to make them come if it was an inconvenience or burden since plane tickets are so expensive and the majority are still students, so my bachelorette turned into a little weekend-long celebration with them!  If they come to my wedding, though, they can wear whatever they want, I’d be happy just having them there!  If not, we all had a blast together at my bachelorette party and my huge engagement party last year 😀

 

Post # 35
Member
4097 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@rawrrrrr:  that’s why I didn’t have bridal party. I wouldn’t be sure what to expect of them or how to ask. Or is it rude to ask them anything? I definitely wouldn’t expect them to pay for anything that I chose for them. It would be up to them to decide if they wanted to plan a bridal shower or bachelorette party. 

Post # 36
Member
5360 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@rawrrrrr:  I think it really depends on the bride. For me, it is most important that the ladies I am the closest to stand by my side. My little sister is broke and one of my closest friends lives in another state and has a low paying job. Since it is VERY important to me that they both be in my wedding party, I would make it reasonable for them. (Wear whatever dress- the cost of which I’d be willing to help with-, whatever shoes, do your own hair & makeup, crash at my place if needed, etc.) If they WANT to throw me a shower, that’s awesome. 

Now, if it was most important to me that I have elaborate showers and my maids all had professionally done hair & makeup I might make other choices. I’d pick the women I knew had the best jobs because they’d put forth the most money. But I can’t expect caviar from friends living on a ramen budget. 

Post # 38
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@rawrrrrr:  It wasn’t meant to be an equal comparison. It was a hyperbolic comparsion to make the point that, just because some may see it as a tradition, doesn’t necessitate that things are done that way. Bouquets tosses, cake cutting, etc.. don’t offend, or make people uncomfortable. Being crammed into a dress that doesn’t flatter you, can do both of those things. That’s all. Like I said, if everyone wants to wear the same dress, rock on, but if they don’t, don’t utilize “tradition” as an excuse to force them into it.

Post # 40
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee

@rawrrrrr:  I wouldn’t consider matching dresses, OR the garter-toss as being truly traditional. I am sure my grandmother would never have even considered either of them: the former because that kind of extravagance was reserved for royalty or the extremely wealthy, the latter because it hadn’t been invented yet. I first encountered garter-tossing in the late 1960’s or early seventies (the mind grows foggy over time). In those days the norm was for the bride and groom to retreat to private changing-rooms and change into their going-away clothes after the cake was cut and served. They then rejoined one another near the exit, and if they were introducing the new risque fashion of the garter-toss, the bride would HAND the groom the garter that she had removed when she changed. She would toss her bouquet, he would toss her garter, and then the two of them would depart immediately on their honeymoon, while the guests tossed confetti and old shoes at them.

I didn’t see the groom removing the bride’s garter in public until the 1980’s, and then he did it with his hands in plain view under the bridal skirts which were hiked discreetly to a relatively low level of exposure — and I thought THAT was vulgar. The recent displays I’ve seen go well beyond anything that could be considered well-bred.

Post # 41
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@rawrrrrr:  I’m with you on that. I’m fine with the bouquet toss, though pretty much all my guests are married or engaged, so it would be like 3 ladies standing there, so I’m not doing it. I find the garter removal to be extremely tacky and inappropriate, especially in the manner it is done these days. I don’t want my grandmother watching my husband crawl up my skirt. Hell, while dress shopping I’ve been concerned about the amount of clevage my 34D’s show in the sweetheart neckline. Leave sexy for the honeymoon, stay classy for the wedding.

Post # 42
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@pokey730:  You completely misunderstood me, nor did I say anything like that. I did not even mention one way or another in my original post which way I go. All I said in a long winded way was everyone has their own way of doing things (usually dictated by culture and how they were raised). Many of the issues brides seem to have with bridesmaids/wedding party not meeting expectations was a lack of communication.

If you want to be a bride that allows their bridesmaids to wear what they want and just show up to the wedding, that is fine. However, there are some brides that expect more involvement (traditional, religious, personal, whatever) and that is fine too. Even if it is just to say to someone :hey wear a dress but it can be any dress you want: is an expectation (some people hate wearing dresses)

I have seen boards where brides expected more from their bridesmaids but didn’t really clue into the fact that their friend had always been a flake and just because it is their wedding won’t change that fact.

I also have to clarify that I would not necessarily choose bridesmaids that way, but it is something some may do so they can have things the way they want, especially if they have friends that are more flaky. (What I personally feel is that I want the people that I am closest with and those people are people I know I can depend on).

Communication is not such a bad thing no matter what.

Post # 43
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@laceydoilies:  ” I also think that if you do have certain expectations that you may need to  choose different people because of how they have historically behaved (ie.  someone more flaky) or have two MOHs because one is someone you really really  want but cannot depend on and the other is someone you really do care about but  is more responsible.”

 

I was addressing this comment. As though, someone might select a bridesmaid based on what they are willing to do for them. I don’t care what tradition anyone tries to use as an excuse for this, because it is all kinds of wrong. Any way you slice it, you should chose people who are important to you! Say for example, your best friend has three kids and works full time. She’s not going to have time to assemble invitations, centerpieces, whatever. This person valued you(general you) so much she made you the god parents of one of her children. You’re saying it would be ok to chose someone else to be a bridesmaids, Maid/Matron of Honor, whatever, because they can do more for you?! That’s saying you value parties, and help, time, and money, over a person who loves you, trusts you, and supports you. And that is wrong, no matter what excuse you try to use.

If you need help, or someone to dote on you the entirety of your planning and wedding day, hire someone. 

Post # 44
Member
622 posts
Busy bee

I’m expecting the girls to purchase their own dress and shoes. However, I decided I wanted the mismatched look and am letting them pick out their own dress in any shade of gray, it could be $30 from Forever21 for all I care. I’m asking them to wear black shoes, which everyone already has. I told them I would pay for their jewelry and for them to get their hair done, and their bouquet as well. I did not ask for/expect a bridal shower or bachelorette party, although I know they want to throw me one. I’m being pretty low key because I don’t want to be the bratty bride, I want to be the easygoing bride.

Post # 45
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@pokey730:   I’m with you 100 percent. 

Perhaps because my bridesmaids also come from 3 different corners of the country, there’s no chance of a bridal shower and my ‘bachelorette” is going to be drinkign a bottle of wine while catching with them the night before the wedding. 

I’m not the slightest disapointed. 

I gave them 7 options of dresses, 3 options of color – they all picked the same color,s ame dress. Then upon recognizing the price of the dress in one city, I switched designer – gave them an option of 4 styles in the same color and fabric they picked. Surprisingly, they all picked the same dress again. 

Shoes – It’s a wear what you want.  Same for jewelry and shoes. 

 

Their only agenda – show up, be with me the day of the wedding and try to have a good time. Be happy. 

 

I’m taking them out for a sushi/asian lunch and spa day the day before the wedding. 

 

 

Post # 46
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@dragonlover:  Glad to hear someone else has their priorites in line 🙂

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