(Closed) What are your fighting rules..

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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@fiver:  We are the same way; Fiance is ready to talk about it now and address the issue then and there, I am more like let me have some space. We have found what works better is, I say I need x amount of time to cool down and not escalate this situation. I will be at x place and meet you back here at the alloted time, then talk like adults. If I need more time, I will let you know. 

This has really helped us because a. I have given a good reason for why I am not ready to talk (say something I will regret), and b. it doesn’t leave Fiance feeling abondoned like a don’t care about the issue 

Post # 18
Member
4429 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@ashleyr0512:  both of us can not scream and yell at the same time. ( you never get anywhere doing that) so who ever is more mad the other just tries to listen to the other rant and get it off their chest. we try not to cut each other off and let each other speak without interruptions. we do not name call or belittle each other ever we never name call. usually if we’re not getting anywhere with each other we just walk away and talk about it an hour or so later when we both have cooler heads. that eliminates from saying things you don’t mean. there’s no perfect way to argue we try not to get too hot headed at each other ; )

We love & respect eachother very much.

 

Post # 19
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Rule #1: No fighting. 

*breaks out singing ‘Hips don’t lie’*

Post # 20
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

1.) No swearing or name-calling, not even in sneaky ways like “You’re acting like a ******!” – I broke this one the first time we fought when I indirectly told him to f*ck off. 🙁  This was my rule, too!  I haven’t done this again, needless to say.

2.) No walking away or silent treatments.  We hash it out until it’s been resolved, preferably before we leave each other/go to bed.  This one is vital to me – the willingness to fix problems.  I’ve been with someone before who refused to talk things out and preferred instead to sleep on problems – this was HORRIBLE for me.  It’s just not the way I deal with things, because I can barely function when there’s unresolved conflict.

3.) No bringing up past conflicts.  Once it’s been resolved, we move on.

Those are the two main ones.  There are a bunch of things that go without saying, I think, like fights are never, ever physical, we don’t insult each other or our families/friends, etc.

Post # 21
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@ashleyr0512:  We don’t have too many rules as our arguements get pretty heated. No violence obviously (but neither of us are like that), no harsh name calling, and no putting our relationship on the line out of anger. After we yell at each other enough we’ll talk it out and we both apologize (in person). We also try to make a point of not bringing up past issues in current fights.

Post # 22
Member
9079 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

No raised voices. No insults. No low blows or digging up the past.

 

We don’t fight. We disagree a lot, we’ll get into little spats, but not fight. Even the spats follow the same rules.

Post # 23
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

No low-blows, stay calm, dont let things bottle up, no name-calling, no swearing, take turns. We both hate fighting so we never escalate to shouting matches or real fighting. We just disagree and then discuss.

Post # 24
Member
9800 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

You know, we’ve never sat down and come up with rules for fighting.

We don’t scream or name call or belittle the other person.  That’s just not who we are, so we don’t do it.  It’s never been an issue.  Raising voices?  Sure.  Arguing?  Sure.  But no screaming, throwing, name-calling, or belittling. 

We’re not the type of people who can hold onto anger for very long, so if one of us has an issue it comes out almost immediately.  It’s great because we can deal with it right then and no one is holding onto something and resenting the other.

Neither of us wants to be in a relationship with a lot of fighting and we aren’t fighters by nature so we just don’t do it.

Post # 25
Member
6573 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@ashleyr0512:  No arguing, of any kind, whatsoever, over text. Learned that the hard way. Also, no personal insults, and no arguing when one person is about to leave for work. Park it until later or you’re destined to have one very bad day!!

 

Post # 26
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty!

There was a survey of divorce lawyers and they overwhelming said that most people cite the marriage ending when their spouse said some super hurtful thing YEARS prior during a random argument.

Post # 27
Member
9124 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Interesting thread!  Ours, some agreed-upon and some unwritten, are:

No cussing or name-calling.

No personal attacks.

Try to stick to the argument at hand and not bring up unrelated past conflicts.

No yelling.  (This is hard for me).

Asolutely no violence of any sort.  (Duh.)

It’s ok to take some time of not speaking to calm down. 

Somebody needs to apologize within a few hours and the other person also has to have a follow-up apology. 

Remember that when the person is acting like a lunatic asshole, it’s probably because his/her feelings are hurt rather than that they have suddenly turned into a lunatic asshole.

Post # 28
Member
4753 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

KNOW WHEN TO SHUT THE F**K UP….

Post # 30
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

#1 rule of our fight club – we don’t fight in our fight club.  

 

Post # 31
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

“Remember that when the person is acting like a lunatic asshole, it’s probably because his/her feelings are hurt rather than that they have suddenly turned into a lunatic asshole”

View original reply
@lolot:  lol. I love this. (also, date twin!)

when we  were young and we didn’t have fully developed frontal lobes, we fought so nasty. No physical violence, but pretty much everything else that people mentioned above as no-nos (cussing, name-calling, threatening separation etc etc). 

Learning how to work through issues without going nuts on each other has been a big part of why our relationship is where it is today. We have had explicit conversations about how to fight and how not to fight. and we stick to those rules. Biggest no-no is physical violence (a non-issue), and then no leaving (that is something i am inclined to do, and i have to resist the urge), no cussing (something Fiance has to resist), no saying always/never, no interrupting (hard for both of us), etc etc. I think arguing is natural when you have two opinionated people who spend tons of time together. and it’s important to have ground rules. and in our case, those ground rules needed to be explicit. 

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