(Closed) What are your non- negotiables in a relationship????

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you believe women should have a list of nonnegotiables when dating?
    Yes. : (329 votes)
    89 %
    No. : (39 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    806 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    i had a list of what i wanted. i dont believe anything is totally set in stone. my only non negotiables were no smoking cigarettes, preferred no children but i was flexible with one child, no criminal background, have a job and is fully capable of taking care of his self, not living with roomates. its good to be picky. you will know it when you find it. i wanted someone tall but i ended up with a 5’6 lol. so that was negotiable for the right person.

    Post # 4
    Member
    7904 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

    I think each individual should be judged on his own merit, but clearly there are some out-of-the-question things, like hardened criminals, etc, but I doubt I’d ever find myself in that position anyway. I personally think women are making a mistake to exclude men with children, divorced men, men who didn’t finish college, men with black hair, etc.

    Post # 5
    Member
    9209 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

    Most importantly, someone always kind to me and others.

    Post # 6
    Member
    3771 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

    @mrsSonthebeach:  +1 it’s good to keep an open mind in most things, but stuff like drug abuse, violent, criminals etc. is common sense no negotiable list material.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1124 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    When I met my fiance I had a few things on my list. No drug users, no rude guys, no guys without a job (or at least actively looking for a job) no BS from him. That’s about it.

     

    I did require that the guy match my moral values, and found the guy as soon as I hit the “market” he’s so great. Morrally we are perfect together, every day things we are opposite so we balance eachother out really well

    Post # 8
    Member
    1815 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

    1. Violence

    2. Smoking

    3. Contrasting views in terms of race relations, gay rights, feminism, and other rights/tolerance issues. 

    I think those are my only deal breakers 🙂

    Edit: Oh I forgot, if he doesn’t like at least one or the other of cats or dogs, then we won’t last!

    Post # 9
    Member
    463 posts
    Helper bee

    Of course you should have some non-negotiables! At the very least, being an ethically good person shouldn’t be negotiable. Here are mine:

    – Shares my ethical standards (on his own, not because I told him so) and lives up to them

    – Treats people well, including himself

    – Overall an optimistic and happy person – I won’t date a downer

    – Intellectually curious – will never respond to “let’s find out!” with “why bother?”

    – Likes to talk about history, philosophy, literature, art, and science

    I think I have pretty stringent non-negotiables actually.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1359 posts
    Bumble bee

    The key for some issues mentioned above is if they are willing to change if there’s something that really bothers you. My ex was involved in a few things I had a VERY hard time dealing with, so he made huge efforts to get himself out. I broke up with him anyways, for different reasons, but now he’s doing great. Don’t give up on someone just because they aren’t what you consider ideal – but here I’m talking about changeable things like jobs, smoking, drugs, NOT personal traits like being violent. I wouldn’t put up with that.

    The only dealbreaker I could imagine at this point is if my SO suddenly decided he didn’t want children.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1541 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    No smoking, wants marriage, wants kids

    Post # 12
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I had several ABSOLUTE nonnegotiables:

    1. Must be nonreligious.

    2. Must be socially liberal; if a participant in American politics must vote Democrat.

    3. Must not be a substance abuser; must not smoke cigarettes at all (I am allergic).

     

    The other things regarding personality, etc, I don’t really consider “nonnegotiables” because I wouldn’t get along romantically with someone who didn’t meet whatever nebulous criteria I have for that. But those three things are the things where I could mess up and have in the past that would, in the end, be dealbreakers.

    Post # 13
    Member
    4006 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Really the only deal-breaker was that he had to want marriage and children. There are things like violent, drug/alcohol abuse (and not willing to seek treatment), and liberal minded that would likely be deal breawhere but I can’t see a romantic relationship lasting with someone like that anyway. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    543 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    @aggie2010:  This. Especially #3. My worst nightmare in a relationship is having to explain to my SO why certain things affect me. Made the mistake once of dating a “it happened a long time ago, we’re past it” hipster racist in my youth… UGH!

    Post # 15
    Member
    314 posts
    Helper bee

    @MrsVMT:  My sister has a tall list of standards. And if a man doesn’t meet just one, she places him in the penalty box lol This is what kept me single for years too. My advice to you is not to set any standards of him that you can’t meet or exceed. Be as humble and as positive as possible. Take things VERY VERY VERY….SLOW. I cannot emphasize that enough. 

    Best of luck!

    Post # 16
    Member
    1177 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    My dealbreakers were/are:

    1. Alcohol or drug abuse

    2. Tobacco use

    3. Lying

    4. Unhealthy lifestyle (e.g. eating nothing but junk food, not exercising at all)

    5. No Republicans (this wasn’t a dealbreaker until 2000 when the party went batshit)

     

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