(Closed) What are your non- negotiables in a relationship????

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you believe women should have a list of nonnegotiables when dating?

    Yes.

    No.

  • Post # 17
    Member
    4655 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Of course you should have them.

    -Non-violent nature 

    -Doesn’t do smoke anything or do drugs (I’m not against a lot of drugs in a general sense, but I don’t do them and would prefer my SO not)

    -No addictions, period.

    -Progressive/liberal (I’ve tried relaxing this one and it did not go well to say the least)

    -Does not want kids

    -Is not religious, atheist preferred

    -Adventurous

    -Must be able to put his foot down and stand up to me. (I can get stubborn in a socially oblivious way sometimes and I don’t like having to constantly worry that I’m steamrolling someone.)

    Post # 18
    Member
    1975 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    absolutly under any circumstances would I date someone who smoked, did drugs or heavily drank.

    No criminal background (hard crimes)

    No anything guns. No owning. No shooting. Basically must be anti guns.

    Other then the obvious.

    Post # 19
    Member
    1252 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

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    @geekspice:  number 5 is funny!:)

     

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    @MrsVMT:  no alcohol/ drugs

    no violence/ abuse in any form 

    No lying 

    oh and he must also be active and sports-minded, so no couch potato

    and like children and pets

    Post # 20
    Member
    1975 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    Oh and considering my age (21) must not be previously married or have kids. At my age if you have been married and divorced already that raises alarm bells to me.

    Post # 21
    Member
    9950 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Gosh YES

    Of course I have a list

    As should have EVERY woman… if you don’t you aren’t being honest with yourself, or out to find the man you Deserve… just willing to take willy-nilly whatever comes along.  I AM NOT THAT WOMAN (lol, anymore)

    There are a lot of icky men out there… as I found out when I first became single after my Divorce.  I came to the realization that a lot of them are folks I wouldn’t want (maybe no one else wants them either… which is WHY they are still single).  And the rest of them, ended up Divorced because another GOOD WOMAN on the Planet threw them away… and for a valid reason !!

    As someone nearing 50 at the time, I was for sure scared that I’d never find love again.  That all the good men were gone.

    The pickings were few.

    BUT, I am pleased to annouce there are GOOD MEN out there… you just have to be discerning to find them.  Set the bar high honey… and you will attract the right sort of guys eventually !!

    If you are back in the Dating Pool after an absense may I suggest that you pick up two excellent books so you can get in the right frame of mind…

    Greg Behrendt’s “He’s Just Not That Into You”

    and

    Dr Phil’s “Love Smart – Find the One You Want / Fix the One You Got”

    Greg’s Book will ensure that you don’t waste your time on undeserving guys… and Dr Phil’s will tell you how to narrow down the search to find the guy you want.  It focusses on knowing yourself, and what it is you Need & Want… as well as what you don’t want (there are a couple of EXCELLENT Check-Lists so you can SEE what your priorities are… as well as what are your DEALBREAKERS)

    These books made a world of difference in turning my head around.

    And how I ultimately met & married Mr TTR.  A man that is amazing… treats me like a Queen.  I am truly blessed !!

    Hope this helps,

    PS… I intentionally didn’t write out MY LIST here because it is long… (lol my bar is very high)

    MY LIST is reflective of the many Chapters in Greg’s Book… as well as the Deal Breaker List in Dr Phil’s… as well as elements that I consider important in a man (honest, trustworthy, same ethics, values, etc)

    So it reflects many things… such as WHO I date to begin with (“If He’s Not Calling You / Asking for a Date… Then He’s Just Not That Into You”) as well as how they behave when they date you…

    EDIT TO ADD – I found an on-line link to this Book by Dr Phil… not the whole shebang but some decent highlights to give you an idea of some of the things it talks about.

    http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/504

     

    Post # 22
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

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    @Bebealways:  I actually never had it as a dealbreaker that he had to be able to stand up to me… but I think it’s no coincidence that the man I’m marrying is the only guy I’ve dated that has done that. And according to his friends I’m the only girl he’s dated who stands up to him too. I know I have steamrolled people in the past and I bet he has too – we are both very strong-willed people with strong (and loud) opinions! We were both a little alarmed at the beginning of the relationship when it was like, “whoa, this person talks back! I don’t just get what I want all the time!” but I think it’s probably healthier for both of us.

    Post # 23
    Member
    4655 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

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    @distracts:  Exactly my situation with FH. Sometimes in relationships I have wound up pushing people around without realizing it – I’ve been told I am a dangerous combination of stubborn and persuasive, with a dash of “sometimes oblivious to other people’s discomfort” (I’ve gotten way better at this with work and some social situations, but once I get realllly comfortable with someone it somehow gets *harder*.) My personality is one that could easily build resentment in a romantic relationship with someone who wasn’t OK with constantly giving opinion feedback and butting heads when necessary. 

     

    FH is brutally honest and willing to do that. The result is we probably fight more than your average couple, but I would never for a second even CONSIDER trading it in for a relationship with someone who just passive aggressively lets me have my way all the time. Especially with how bad I am at detecting passive aggression, I usually just assume they’re being genuine and then they get mad later and I’m like WTF just happened… FH doesn’t leave me worrying or wondering how he “really” feels about anything. Ever. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

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    @Bebealways:  That sounds a lot like me, haha. We don’t really out and out fight much (maybe twice in three years?) but we have a LOT of rather tense discussions… which I think less aggressive people might consider fights.

    Post # 25
    Member
    1377 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I agree with many of the above (drug/alcohol abuse, violence, bigotry, not wanting children, someone who is very devoutly religious) and I agree with those who said that they want a guy who has a backbone around me. I was acting insecure and untrusting towards my guy when he didn’t deserve it at all-he called me out on it and it was clear that as much as he loves me, he wasn’t going to put up with being treated badly. We worked it out and I fell in love with him even more because the fact that he respects himself=huge turn-on. And people who respect themselves are more likely to respect others.

    A few other ones: I couldn’t be with someone who has anger issues. I would just feel sick all the time being around like that. No passive-aggressive guy either. If you have a problem with me, tell me upfront. And if I start feeling like I’m living out the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” then he’s gone. I did the whole thing with a few guys back in my early 20s when I was the one initiating 80% of the phone calls and dates-never again!

    Post # 26
    Member
    6368 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I think most people have things that they wouldn’t compromise on, and to me it makes sense to consider those when dating. If I were to find myself single tomorrow, I would instantly rule out anyone who:

    Had young children, or wanted children

    Was religious

    Had diametrically opposed political views to my own

    Was anti-choice (‘pro-life’)

    Was lazy

    Was possessive/controlling

    Had very different views on relationships to me (I need someone who is laid back and appreciates that just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t still be an independent individual; I like my own space and friends and expect a partner to understand that and feel the same way)

    Post # 27
    Member
    1344 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    Not violent.

    Kind to animals.

    No cheating.

    Non religious.

    Believes in equal rights.

    As bebealways said, can stand up to me. Gawd, if Fiance didn’t have a back bone he’d probably resent me a lot. Our idea of playing is to throw snark at each other, so you can imagine what my idea of fighting is. I can be pretty nasty at times. Which is sort of part of another requirement- can handle snark. It’s an inbuilt personality trait, it’s not going anywhere and I would hate to be with someone who thought I was insulting them all the time, rather than joking with them.

    Acts like a gentleman. I know some guys who are just gross, and I would not want to date someone who behaved like a pig. I guess a lot of that goes back to the equal rights thing though, because these same guys think of women as being beneath them, and are racist homosexuals.

    One other thing I would really like is someone who values adventure. Fiance does on some levels (he wants to swim with sharks, we’ve been scuba diving on the great barrier reef, done heaps of horse riding together, he loves motor bike riding, we’re planning overseas trip/s), but sometimes I want to do silly things and he is not up for it. I think that might actually be a plus though, because he keeps me out of trouble!

    Post # 28
    Hostess
    8574 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I actually had a pretty extensive list of what I wanted.. but.. I’m picky.

     

    – Not involved in any types of illegal activity

     

    – No drugs

     

    – No smoking

     

    – Non-violent

     

    – NOT bi-polar. Dated a guy like this once before, no thanks.

     

    – Had a job & good work ethics.

     

    – Funny/charming [I’m all about some good humor]

     

    – Likes/loves animals

     

    – Okay with/wants to adopt.

     

    I MUCH preferred someone who had similiar views to mine [agnostic, equal rights, children, politics, ect].

     

    He also needed to be clean cut, polite to others, but have no problem speaking his mind when needed.

     

    And also, I’m into big, tall guys. Not fat, but husky. So bonus for that.

     

    ETA : Also, he had to be able to deal with my sometimes diva-like attitude. I tend to be a bit alpha-female sometimes. I’ve really toned down alot since we’ve been together, but I used to address myself as “The Miss April”, always extremely opinionated ect, ect.

    Fi actually gets quite a kick out of it.

    Post # 29
    Member
    1684 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    No violence (although in all reality, how do you know this from the start?) My Fiance is an avid gun owner and hunter- doesn’t mean he is violent and I wouldn’t judge him as so for liking guns.

     

    No drugs/no smoking.

     

    Needs to have goals. I don’t care if you work at McDs, do you have a goal to further yourself? Then good!

    Post # 30
    Member
    1180 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    My requirements were:

    He must have a full time job

    He must have his own place (house or apt) I’m in my 30’s

    He must have a car ( I don’t want to be anybody’s taxi service)

    No kids

    Want to be in a committed relationship

    When we first met he thought I was asking for too little

    Post # 31
    Member
    733 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I used to have a list of non-negotiables, but now I believe it depends on the circumstance. I used to think I wanted someone with a college degree because education is important to me (i’m a teacher). However, Fiance is extremely smart and well educated without having went to college. He did an apprenticeship and now he has a stable career and makes more than I do.  The one thing that will always be a non-negotiable for me is wanting kids. I want children so bad and could never give up that dream no matter how much I loved someone. Luckily, Fiance is right there with me!

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