(Closed) What are your non- negotiables in a relationship????

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you believe women should have a list of nonnegotiables when dating?

    Yes.

    No.

  • Post # 47
    Member
    3765 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    Ambition is a big one for me, besides the basic no violence/abuse/cheating stuff.

    Post # 48
    Member
    1828 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    My big, numero uno non-negotiable was that he had to be okay with me having a good career and being the breadwinner. I can’t spend time with a man, marry him, and then find out he’s wildly insecure because I make 3 times as much as him.

    Luckily Fiance is totally okay with this and it works out great since when we have kids I want to get back to work ASAP and he is excited about being “mr. mom” 🙂

    Post # 49
    Member
    463 posts
    Helper bee

    Yeah it’s equally important to be open minded and not have “non-negotiables” that are just prejudices. Sad to say that’s pretty common, especially when it comes to politics and religion.

    Post # 50
    Member
    858 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    You should search for whatever makes you ultimately happy and don’t stop till you find it.

    Post # 51
    Member
    261 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I knew that I wanted someone who was okay with working part time (or not at all) to take care of the house, potential future kids, etc – I actually told Fiance about that before we started dating. 

    Other than that, I wanted someone who didn’t agree with me on every little thing just for the sake of getting along (done that), but who did agree on important issues: politics, religion (I am athiest), etc

    Post # 52
    Member
    2747 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    The following are non-negotiable with me. They are absolutes.

    MUST NOT

    – smoke, do drugs, or be addicted to anything

    – be abusive (in all ways) or controlling

    – be shorter than me (I am 5’0)

    – be religious

    – be racist, sexist, homophobic

    – be threatened by my independence

     

    MUST

    – be self-sustaining and responsible (can take care of himself and his things)

    – have his shit together (emotionally secure in himself and his “masculinity”)

    – be willing to make changes together to imrove relationship

    – be communicative

    – be someone committed to mutual respect

    – be able to stand up for himself and our relationship as a unit

     

    Too many guys (and girls) are so insecure it causes so much unnecesary drama and hurt.  Just no point in dating or being with someone who is a mess. I have thankfully found a rare jewel.  My husband meets all my criteria.  If I were single, I would most certainly prefer to be/stay single than find someone who doesn’t have their shit together.

     

    Post # 53
    Member
    580 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I’m in my mid 20s and maybe this sounds bad, but I didn’t want someone who had kids already. I have a close relative who married someone who already had 2 (“tween”) kids. It was nothing but DRAMA until the kids got older. FWIW, I am a teacher, so I obviously like children! 

    Also, no one who is not kind to animals….I love animals and I think that it says a lot about a person by how they treat a defenseless creature.  

     

    Post # 54
    Member
    3088 posts
    Sugar bee

    Absolutely you should have non negotiables and you must be willing to walk if those boundaries are crossed! 

     

    If a man puts his hands on me, cheats, molests/violates minors etc., ends up in jail for something that was purposely his fault and he knew the consequences/commits crimes, sexual/drug addictions, wanted to date me for a proonged period with no marriage in sight, doesnt believe in God, etc.

     

    ALL non negotiables.  I have to protect my children first and I will not entertain any of the above.

     

    Post # 55
    Member
    350 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    I’ve always had a “list” when it came to dating. After ending a very serious relationship with my ex, I started to change what I considered to be important. The only thing on this new “list” was finding someone who was smart with future goals. I wasn’t super picky about what the goals were, but I knew I wanted someone with either a pretty good job or in college (as I’m a student) with adult priorities. I think looks are nice, but they are really the icing on the cake. I did the online dating thing (okcupid) and found the absolute love of my life…and he’s handsome! 

    Post # 56
    Member
    8036 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @MrsVMT  Non-negotiables included the fact he had to have money (i.e. not be in stupid consumer debt like my ex), be ambitious, and be willing to move out of the current country we live in.

    The standard stuff “kind, funny, intelligent” was kind of a given, but specifically the above was something I needed. I lucked out with my SO!

    ETA: Oh, and add willing to marry to the list. That was a big one too.

     

    Post # 57
    Member
    8036 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    View original reply
    @badabing88  Sounds reasonable to me!

    Post # 58
    Member
    2080 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    @MrsVMT  When I was dating I had a list of non-negotiables, such as he can’t be on drugs, a smoker, or a heavy drinker. He also had to be respectful and nice. I prefered someone with a job and career but that was not a “must have”, however, I did want someone ambitious.

    I found all of those things plus more when I wasn’t looking. I never imagined I would marry the man I married but I’m so glad I did.

    Post # 59
    Member
    621 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    @MrsVMT  I did when i met my husband. My list was very long, and my husband swept me off my feet. He didnt meet a lot of my very specific (and dumb) requirements, i.e. height, political party, certain hobbies, etc. But of course when I met him I immediately decided none of that mattered.

    I guess some good non-negotiables are: similar religion (if you are religious), non-smoker, non alcoholic/drug abuser, family-oriented, similar goals for a family in the future

    I think you should just look for someone who is all around a good, kind person, who you feel a genuine connection with, and who you enjoy being around.

    Post # 60
    Member
    11736 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    after dating a few bad guys in a row, I physically wrote down a list of “must haves” and “run for its”  My friend who had recently ended a horribly abusive marriage gave me the idea.  I tend to easily overlook bad traits and make excuses for guys, so having the physical list helped me.  My lists were so long too (probably 50 things on each list).  Throughout dating my DH, I constantly checked the list to make sure he was still on par (he knew about the list from date 2 lol – he was up for the challenge!)  I still have the list somewhere!

    Things on my list included, wants kids, has good relationship with family, doesn’t lie/cheat/abuse, makes me a priority in his life, shares similar values as I do..nothing like must have blonde hair and blue eyes and a harvard degree. Though, educated, motivated, career-oriented were on there and I don’t feel bad about that at all. 

     

    Post # 61
    Member
    1643 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    Oh god yes I was rather picky. Similar ones to PPs – no smoking, no drugs, not controlling / violent, wants marriage and kids. But also he had to like  my dogs, and was taller than me. Obviously a kind and good humoured nature was a must too!  Its good to have an idea of what you want AND DESERVE!

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