(Closed) What are your non- negotiables in a relationship????

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you believe women should have a list of nonnegotiables when dating?



  • Post # 62
    699 posts
    Busy bee

    @MrsVMT  non-negotiables

    NO smoking

    Social drinking only

    No children

    lean physique


    How they dress


    I know a few are a little high manitainence on my end but I know what I seek, tg i have a SO otherwise forget it lol. The how they dress is important as if they don’t care how they present themselves, how will they take care of me. Sorry, long story but thats my list

    Post # 63
    2997 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    I never really had a list. You just basically can’t be a piece of sh*t.

    Post # 64
    249 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    i think a LIST might be a bit excessive, but i think there are some pretty key things that need to be clear so you don’t waste your time on a person who is destined to fail in the long term.  Shared views on kids and religion are too fundamental to differ in the long term IMO.

    my list:

    college educated

    good person

    family oriented


    Post # 65
    2597 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @MrsVMT  I don’t believe there should be (or its realistic or healthy) to have a laundry list of “must haves” in a mate like one might have when looking for a new car.

    For example, someone might say, “he has to be taller than me” or, “he has to have a degree from an ivy league school” and end up passing up a guy that could make her ridiculously happy for qualities that at the end of the day don’t matter. 

    Everyone should have non-negotiables when it comes to a partner.  Mine would be that they have to treat me well, be trustworthy, responsible, respectful, and have good character and ethics.  Oh, and really make me laugh.

    If you’ve spent any time dating, you kind of know bullshit when you see/hear it.  Lie to me?  See ya.  Overinvolved with an ex?  See ya.  Stood me up for a date or cancelled last minute?  See ya. Acted in a way that made me pretty sure he was seeing other people when he told me he wasn’t?  See ya. 

    Experience taught me to save myself the aggravation.  A guy that acts like an inconsiderate, lying, cheating, selfish douche isn’t going to improve with time.  Actions speak soooo much louder than words.   

    Post # 66
    1465 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @MrsVMT  I think you can have a list provided you are happy to end up alone. You can only be extraordinarily picky if you are ok being alone forever rather than “settling”. Otherwise, you need to be flexible. The older you get, the smaller your pool of potential mates becomes. Some people would genuinely be happier alone than compromising a “non-negotiable”. Some people would be happier compromising.


    Pickiness works beautifully if your problem is an overabundance of potential mates. A list of required qualities works as a filter. But many women don’t need a filter. An overabundance of men is not the problem most women face. I think finding a partner is so hard already, if you really want to be in a relationship then you may need to reconsider what are actually non-negotiable issues. 


    I don’t believe in having a specific list. However, if for some reason I lost my husband, I would be extraordinarily picky in selecting a new mate. In fact I expect I would end up alone. I’m okay with that — at this point I’d rather be alone than settle. My husband is so perfectly suited to me that I can’t imagine finding someone else who could match his qualities. But my husband isn’t perfect, and if I’d had a stupid list when I first met him, he wouldn’t have made the cut. Thank goodness I was young.


    So, in conclusion, your pickiness should be proportional to your satisfaction with being alone. The more satisfied you are alone, the pickier you can be. What bothers me, though, is when I see women who are clearly desperately unhappy alone, yet refuse to compromise on ridiculous “non-negotiables”, like height.


    Post # 67
    714 posts
    Busy bee

    I was the same came out of a crappy relationship after 2.5 years and was like omg i’m done! i do not want that again! I think though you’ll know!  When i met my current partner the first thing i knew about him was that i knew he would look after me, and i hadn’t had that before. He had a good job a house, was organised about his future, and suddenly i found that so much more attractive than the bad boy with the sporty car and the drama!

    I didn’t have a list when I met my current partner but I think though subconsciously i must had done, because he’s the complete opposite to my ex and has all the qualities my ex lacked. The good thing about your post is that you have admitted it was a crappy relationship, so in that sense I don’t think you’ll fall into the same trap again!

    Just follow your gut! being picky isn’t a bad thing better find the right one at 30 or 40 then spend a liftetime with the wrong one! And remember the honeymoon period eventually goes down to a nice simmer, so find someone who you can actually be friends with behind it all!

    Post # 68
    1430 posts
    Bumble bee

    My Short list was..

    1. Trust and Shared Faith

    My long list could go on and on but those were more preferences than non negotiables.

    And I got blessed with an amazing husband! Don’t settle when dating!!

    Post # 69
    8437 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    My list is long and kind of superficial, but I was set on being the crazy cat lady and I didn’t really care if I ended up single for life (never wanted to get married).  Besides the obvious stuff (non abusive, has a job, not a criminal, not an addict, etc), I also care about height/build (I love big, tall 6ft+ guys), eye color, hair color, same interests (video games, cooking, etc), has to love animals, no children/divorce, no mental health issues (i.e. depression, bi-polar, etc), non religious, and a dark sense of humor.  These were all non negotiable requirements for me, so I’m pretty shocked that I’m even getting married lol.

    Post # 70
    307 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Yes I agree with a lot of the other bees, excluding someone for superficial reasons or things they can’t help is silly.

    My list is more common-sense and compatibility-based. 

    1. Non-smoker

    2. Aligning or understandable views on gay rights, religion, feminism etc


    Every things else is a ‘would like’, such as funny, taller than me, educated. But these things shouldn’t be deal breakers if you find an amazing guy who doesn’t match your ‘ideal’ vision.

    Post # 71
    8683 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    violence/ a record = DO NOT WANT

    kids = dont want to deal with. I have none and don’t want any, sorry.

    not maintaining yourself = do not want. Sorry, but in this area that is important!



    I can work with most other things. Also, for the record, I did date a few guys that had a child. However, with men in their 20s it was usually a very small child and the mom was (more often than not) difficult.

    Post # 72
    8683 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    View original reply
    @SouthernGirl  Yes, I forgot about the having a car part. Unfortunately, in NYC, there are lots of people who don’t have one.

    Post # 73
    273 posts
    Helper bee

    Aside from the obvious criminal background and abusive nature, my dealbreakers would be if he

    • was religious and it affected his day to day life. I have no problem with private beliefs, but if he wants me to be involved in church events and stuff then that’s a no-go. I won’t attend church.

    • wants kids. I know for sure I don’t want them, and am not going to change my mind. If a partner thinks they can convince me otherwise, it just shows they don’t respect me and my ability to know my own mind.

    • doesn’t love to travel long term. I plan to live abroad a lot in the future. Most of my spare cash goes on travelling whenever I can. I don’t really believe in long distance relationships (for me)

    • lives at home with his parents. I left home at 18 on a salary of around $20,000 and to me its a key part of being an adult- surviving on what you have and standing on your own two feet. I couldn’t understand someone content to live at home when they have the money to do otherwise, it seems like a lack of ambition to me. I also don’t want to be someone’s first experience of living away from home as they “learn to share a space”. The only real reason to live at home to me is unemployment, and that’s another dealbreaker for me.

    • is unemployed. This is pretty much linked to the two points above. I want to date someone who lives in their own appartment (with friends is fine!) and will be willing to save up money to travel. Someone unemployed can’t do that. I wouldn’t dump someone if they lost their job during a relationship, but I wouldn’t knowingly enter a relationship with someone unemployed.

    I think a key thing to point out here is that I’m happy to be alone. So I don’t really think it counts as being “picky”, since if I don’t meet someone who meets my basic requirements, I’m not going to bitch about it. And to me, these are all important things that would prevent me being compatible with someone or make me miserable if I compromised, as opposed to simply being superficial things that don’t really matter.


    Post # 74
    7367 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

     – Respect – If he lacks it with me or others, its a wrap


     – Must have a strong work ethic


     – Smoking (I just can take the smell, it makes me physically sick)


    – Abusive behavior


    – Drug use/Addictions (if he refuses to get help)


    – Our values in terms of rearing children must be aligned. 


    – Criminal past – I would have reservations being with someone who had record (of course some offenses are move palatable than others). As much as I believe in rehabilitation. But if you poor past choices can affect our current life, sorry that’s not for me. 


     – Intellect/Common Sense – I don’t need you to be an Einstein but I can’t not be with someone long term who’s isn’t bright. I don’t mean that I need a man with XYZ level of education. I just want someone who is well versed in a variety of topics. Someone one who is comfortable carrying on discussions with people from different backgrounds and cultures. And I want someone has a shit load of just basic common sense. 


    – And he needs to be funny. I am not compatible with people who can’t laugh at themselves. Humor turns me on.

    – A man who is relatively independant when it comes to household chores (cooking and cleaning). He has to pull some of his own weight. Even if I became a Stay-At-Home Mom. I’m not a maid. 


    Post # 75
    4605 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    View original reply
    @gelaine22  True. If I lived in a big city like New York, the having a car part wouldn’t have been on the list because I know many people don’t drive. 

    Post # 76
    1462 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    We both feel that what would be a non-negotiable for us would be cheating on the other. Drugs are definitely an issue and alcohol addiction. I have adopted and raised a child that was a product of drug addiction so that is sore spot for me. My father and brother are both functioning alcoholics so those are things I deal with on a daily bases and have no desire to have in my future husband and vice versa.

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