(Closed) What are your non- negotiables in a relationship????

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you believe women should have a list of nonnegotiables when dating?

    Yes.

    No.

  • Post # 77
    Member
    836 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    My list was short. And to me, it’s not really a list so much as self respect and awareness. Someone who believed in honesty, with no games. Someone who believes in and supports me and my dreams. Open communication. These are things I didn’t have at all in my previous relationship and I had no more patience or tolerance left in me for disrespect of any sort. 

     

    Really, the only list I had outside of those things was someone who loved my dogs. My dogs are a non-negotiable part of me. I would never, ever choose anyone over them. Therefore, I’d never have been able to commit to someone who had allergies that they couldn’t control, or anyone who preferred my dogs to stay away. Now, that sounds like I’m saying I’d refuse to marry a man with an allergy to my dogs, but in reality, it would never have gotten that far. If someone can’t be around my dogs, or around me when I have their dander on my clothes, I wouldn’t pursue anything with that person in the first place. It was a must that anyone I date LOVE dogs and be up to dealing with my dogs’ very clingy, excited behaviors. And I’d never have to worry about someone asking me to choose between them and my dogs, because a) I’d never be with someone who had the personality to ask me to choose, because they’d have been weeded out already, and b) they’d know from the start that I would choose my dogs, which means if they ever intended to ask me to choose, they’d likely have never pursued things with me in the first place.

    Post # 78
    Member
    648 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    For me it would be:

    – Cheating

    – Abuse (mental, physical, emotional)

    – Lack of work ethic

    – Substance use (drugs, drinking, smoking)

    – Wanting kids (because I don’t want them)

    – Disrespect/constantly putting me down/belittling me

    – Lack of basic morals and values

     

    …Pretty standard stuff.

     

    Post # 79
    Member
    296 posts
    Helper bee

    I know I’m a little late to the party, but in light of recent events and hindsight bias being really strong right now, I have to answer.

    Must Have/Be and Must NOT Have/Be:

    -job (he worked buuuut….long story)

    -a car or at least willing to drive (exFI got into a horrible car accident where he hadn’t driven in years. I totally understood his phobia but let’s just say he rode that tricycle a little too long and later I found out all he wanted was someone to drive around)

    -must like animals….and really like them (he used to abuse our two boxers)

    -must practice what they preach (biiiig talker—no action)

    -not a big smoker. I’m not against marijuana use at all, nor do I use it, but towards the end of our relationship, all he did was smoke all day.

    -must want a social life

    -I would prefer he not already have children (was just burned severely by that)

    -must see marriage as a good thing….not just some business arrangement and only thought about it because, “It’s important to you even though I think it’s stupid”. He brought up marriage first….smh

    -must be able to separate his past experiences from his present

    -must respect women 

    -must NOT be wishy-washy (“I reserve the right to change my mind….”). he changed his mind about EVERYTHING. Even his own values and aspirations. I’m all for changing your mind but wanting to be a dentist at 8 am, and then wanting to travel the world and paint by 12pm is not ok…especially as a 31 year old man who left his stable job in the Army, to wanting to find “pothead friends” he could smoke with. Those were his words, exactly. LOL

    -must believe in equal rights for EVERYONE…or if he doesn’t believe in it, don’t be a douche bag about someone else’s views.

    -must NOT think I’m stupid because I’m young.

    -must be GENUINELY ok with my strength and ambition. Nothing worse than a man who SAYS you are awesome for wanting to kick ass in life, and then telling you that “it’s not cute.”

    -and for the love of Pete, he must be GRATEFUL! Omg…it’s hurtful how ungrateful he is. Not every woman will always do the things a good woman will…don’t treat me like your child and EXPECT me to do the extras. Never again…

    And of course, must not be a liar, criminal, etc. All of the “default responses”.

    Post # 80
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    1.  No illegal drugs.  This includes marijuana.  I’m all for it being legalized, but I do not want it near me and I do not want to be with someone willing to break the law, even if it’s absolutely stupid.  

    1a. If you can’t have a good time without drinking, see ya.

     

    2. No violence.  No violence against me, of course, but if you’re constantly getting into physical fights… I’m not sticking around for you to turn on me too.

     

    3. No bigotry in any form, up to and including racism, sexism, homophobia, anti-atheist, etc.

     

    4. No religion… not that I don’t like religion or religious people, I just could not be in a relationship with someone religious.  It can get really stressful.

     

    5. No jealousy, possessiveness, or control issues.  

    Post # 81
    Member
    5 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    1. Married

    2. Criminal Record of violent crime

    3. Bad breath

    4. Drug addict

    5. Unemployed

     

    Post # 82
    Member
    2638 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2006

    View original reply
    @Lovemelovemyhorses:  +100000000000 on kind to animals. It may seem insignificant initially but it tells you so much about a person and how tender and gentle and nurturing they can be.

    Also, I just generally dislike people who don’t like my dog and cat. I think that’s normal tough.

    Post # 83
    Member
    38 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    View original reply
    @Bebealways and @distracts: Sorry for threadjacking, but I had a complete “AHA” moment when I read your exchange. I, too, am stubborn and strong-willed, as is my Fiance, in his own way. We constantly butt heads and have ‘tense discussions,’ as you said. Surprisingly, in the nine years we’ve dated, I never attributed it the fact that we easily keep each other in line, where in our other relationships we often deal with passive-aggressiveness. Truthfully I had long thought that this was a DOWNFALL in our relationship (as in we have a commuication ‘problem’). I much prefer thinking about it in your terms- that we are strong-willed, used to getting our way, and finally found the person who keeps that in line. 

     

    Thank you!!

    Post # 84
    Member
    2393 posts
    Buzzing bee

     

    @MrsVMT: 

    You have to have non-negotiables. Don’t apologize for that.

     

    Mine include manners, intelligence, monogamy and respect.

     

    I agree with PPs who said to keep the list on the short side, rather than nit-picking and getting into superficial things. Just have a few really good ones that encompass a lot of good things.

    Good luck!

    Post # 85
    Member
    679 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    1. Cannot be controlling. I have been with controlling men in the past and I don’t want that mess again.
    2. Cannot be cheap. Does not have to be rich, but tightwads are a turn off.
    3. Cannot be with someone who wants children because I do not want any.
    4. Cannot be a mama’s boy.
    5. Needs to have a somewhat successful career.
    6. Needs to have some kind of education beyond high school.
    7. Cannot be shorter than 5’9.
    8. Needs to be burly but not fat.
    9. Has to be good in bed.
    10. Has to be affectionate.
    11. Cannot be a social butterfly. I don’t like parties.
    12. Has to be able to cook and clean. I don’t want any spoiled brats.

     

    Post # 86
    Member
    6354 posts
    Bee Keeper

    …no, I don’t think women should have a “list.” I know of one who has one, a very long one, and it isn’t helping her at all. She even has items on there like “must be able to eat spicy food.” Come on now, it is never going to make or break a marriage whether your spouse can eat spicy food.

    I do believe in having a brief set of non-negotiables. Mine are two:

    No cheating, of any sort, ever.

    No physical assault, of any sort, ever.

    Post # 87
    Member
    2358 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    @MrsVMT:  

     

    1. Must be smart.  I once dated a guy who I swear was dumb as a doorknob and I just about punched him every time he asked me what a word meant.

     

    2.  Must be funny to me and find me funny.  I like to consider myself a funny person.  I once had a boyfriend tell me he didn’t laugh at my jokes because I wasn’t funny.  -.-  My boyfriend is hilarious and he thinks I’m the funniest thing around.  We can sit around making up lyrics to songs and telling bad jokes for hours. LOL

     

    3. Must be attractive (to me).  Now, I could care less if my best friend thinks my SO is super mega hothothot, but I cannot be with someone who makes me go “eh” when I look at him.

     

    4. Similar ideals/morals

     

    5. Wants marriage/kids, but not like 6 kids.  Never ever 6 kids. I couldn’t do it.

    EDIT:

    Okay I looked at some other posts and, of course, I should include the common sense ones.  Not violent, controlling, obsessive, etc. 🙂  Also, no smoking.  I sing and, even though I’m not pursuing it professionally, I cannot have someone’s second hand smoke messing up my singing voice.  One of the women I’ve done shows with just started smoking a few months ago and she has a HUGE hole in her vocal range now.  Very sad.

    Post # 88
    Member
    3581 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    When I met the husband I had a list of what I wanted (I was 19 btw)

    1. taller than me 6ft 4 min

    2. doing an arts degree

    3. brown hair

    4. blue eyes

    5. from London

    6. a pisces!

    Hubby had all these requirements except he has brown eyes 🙂 In the end the real non negotiable is the height thing (I am 6ft)

    Post # 89
    Member
    556 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    @MrsVMT:  I don’t think there is a “list” of things, but a conception… I wouldn’t date someone that was a bad person, had a criminal record, was racist, didn’t had/didn’t want a job and couldn’t take care of himself, someone that still lived with his parents (with no intention to move away), someone that didn’t like children or didn’t want them (because it’s so important to me). I personally don’t think I could date someone that did drugs or smoked, or someone that was rude to me or others with no particular reason. 

    I guess you will know when you find that person if you can live with his personality issues or not, or if you could look away from some of is “down points”…. it all depends. But those I mention above, certainly are very set, and I couldn’t ignore them.

    Post # 90
    Member
    792 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    1. Is liberal/pro-choice/believes in equality (especially in relation to same sex relationships)

    2. Non contolling/violent (been there, done that…)

    3. Wants children

    4. Is good to animals

    Post # 91
    Member
    18 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    Will not tolerate:

    1. democrats 

    2. smoking/drugs

    3. felonies

    4. financial problems

    5.  not liking cats Smile 

    6. rude to others

    7. needy/clingy

    8. abusive/violent 

    9. mommas boy

    10. lazy 

    thats pretty much for me.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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