(Closed) What are your non- negotiables in a relationship????

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you believe women should have a list of nonnegotiables when dating?



  • Post # 92
    166 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    My non-negotiables are;

    • Not abusive (mentally or physically). No anger management issues. No cruelty to animals.
    • Non-smoker, no drugs, no addictions
    • Tolerant and respectful of others’ lifestyle choices, even if he doesn’t understand or care for them much himself
    • Sense of humour
    • Loyal
    • Takes in interest in, and makes an effort to get on with my friends and family
    • No stealing. No mooching (To clarify I am happy to be the sole breadwinner if my fiance decides go back to school, becomes a stay-at-home dad, or is trying to set up his own business. Not so happy if he is unemployed and refusing to look for a new job.)
    • Does his fair share of the housework
    • Is passionate about something. I don’t care what. I just want him to have at least one thing that drives him to explore and think
    • Good personal hygiene

    Post # 93
    2091 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I did not have any non negotiables in my first marriage and that was the problem! So, these days there will be no pathological liars, drug addicts, criminals, abusers, and other major things! I am open to most other things, although I would prefer not to be with a man who is shorter than me. This is broad as I am 5’5…. Still, if I met a great enough guy I could overlook that.

    Post # 94
    186 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    my SO is perfect for me and meets all my non-negotiables. He also meets most of my “would likes.”

    that having been said…he is going through a divorce which i know is a non-negotiable for many women, but when your man is perfect in all other ways..

    Post # 95
    708 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    My SO and I started dating when we were really young, so I had never really thought about a “list” or anything like that. Now, though, if my SO and I didn’t work out for some reason, I think mine would be: respect (in all ways – no violence, no cheating, no controlling), a desire to have children/have a family, and someone with ambiition/drive (not just to make money, but to do something meaningful). Luckily, my SO has all three of these things! I also think it would be really hard to be with someone who was politically conservative on social issues (abortion, same-sex marriage, etc.), but I don’t know if that would be a definite deal breaker.

    Post # 96
    1723 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I think we all have some kind of “non-negotiable” even if they are unofficial.  And i Don’t think there is anything wrong with that…as long as they are reasonable.  I think its a way for us to protect ourselves.  My main things were must have a job, a car (BC somehow i always ended up with the guys without those things, and I was fed up with it). The hardest part for me was to date outside of my normal “type” the funny thing is the first guy I dated that was not my type is now my FI! Funny the way things happen 🙂

    Post # 97
    2902 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    After leaving a couple of abusive relationships my list was short.

    Kind & generous. 

    I’m kind and generous so if you are a mean taker then I lose out bigtime. 

    Lucky for me Fiance matched me perfectly in every other thing (music, religion, kids, humor, hopes & dreams etc) but at the time they weren’t make or break reasons – they were just big bonuses. I’m very very lucky 🙂

    Post # 98
    893 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    my pretty silly “list” when I was a teen:


    -my first boyfriend must marry me (yes, I did tell him; surprisingly, he didn’t run away!)

    -birthdate on either feb 6, feb 15, or sept 26 (adds up to 8… 2+6, 2+1+5, or 9+2+6 which = 17, and then 1+7 = 8. yeah I know weird one, I’m fickle with numbers)

    -born in 1987 (year of rabbit in chinese zodiac, and older than me)

    -not religious


    -must not like rap, hockey, or american football excessively

    -must not drink excesively

    -must not smoke at all

    -must make me laugh

    -likes animals

    -is well-travelled/worldly

    -not sexist, wouldn’t mind if I kept my last name, not insistent on me having babies, if we have babies won’t make them take his last name, loves me the most out of everyone on earth including his mom and any future kids


    SOMEHOW, my first boyfriend (met at 18) fulfilled ALL of these, even the weird birthday stuff, and now he’s my husband. meant to be?

    however now that I’m older, my non-negotiables would be much simpler:

    -similar life goals (re: kids, money, marriage, family), respect, love, HONESTY, intelligence, and humour. plus non-smoking, since I’m allergic to that crap. basically a decent human being. I can even deal with an open relationship, as long as he’s honest and we deal with it in a fair way.

    Post # 99
    104 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    Overall I think my list is pretty standard…Fiance fit the list nicely although he is allergic to cats.  He knew from the beginning I had two but didn’t tell me he was allergic until he came over to my apartment one day and started sneezing lol.

    -No children from previous relationships
    -Likes cats
    -Gainfully employed

    Post # 100
    2116 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013


    1. no hard drugs. like pills or E or that kind of stuff

    2. is open to having kids

    3. has to be great to his mom. cuz we all know how he treats his mom is how he treats his women…i mean woman;)

    4.has to believe in marriage

    5. has to believe in god and jesus…….cant say ive always stuck to this in the past though

    6.not lazy, has to work or be active in some way

    5. not living with mom. total deal breaker unless something serious happened to him

    6.think women are equal. cant stand men who think women are less or are not as good as a man. though this can always be proven and minds changed.

    7. i just cant date a guy that is BI or has ever made out with a dude. the thought that he could leave me for a guy is just too weird

    8.never cheated

    9. loves animals or at least does not hate them

    10. also this is the weirdest one but cant bring myself to date a noncirc. guy

    gosh i feel like this list could go on. but in reality im pretty flexable.

    Post # 101
    885 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    @MrsVMT:  I did not have a list, but overtime I know there are certain things I really do not want.  I refuse to live with my in-laws unless they disabled and in need of help (I also refuse to live with my parents, though); I also do not think I would want to date/marry someone who has children from a previous relationship. 

    Post # 102
    1460 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m bumping this because it seems fun lol

    I never really thought about verbalizing such a list beforehand, but now that I’m happily engaged, it’s kind of easy to backtrack and say, “if he was this, it would have been a dealbreaker

    1) a smoker/drug user

    2) a Republican (been there/done that…I associate lack of empathy for fellow man with social conservatives so it would be too hard for me to be with someone like that)

    3) dumb

    4) skinny. This one sucks but I know myself, I wouldn’t have even looked twice.

    5) unemployed. I hate when I have to defend myself with this one. I’m not shallow, I just happen to like the roof over my head and food on my table that I’ve provided for myself. I want someone on the same page. Laid off is one thing, but chronically unemployed with little to no job history is a problem and not for me. I’ve worked since I was 14, why can’t I expect ethic from a grown man?

    6) intolerant/racist/asshole (See reason for #6 lol jk…sort of)


    Post # 103
    919 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    My only deal breaker to start dating was no smokeing cigarettes. Yes, education and careers are nice, but you should also be realistic and think hey, it’s tough to find a job right now. I could say no criminal record, but I’m not going to fault someone for a DUI they got when they were young and reckless. There are exceptions to every rule. 

    Dealbreakers once I’m in a relationship are cheating and physical/verbal abuse 

    The less things you are set on, the more open your possibilities of actually finding someone 

    Post # 104
    766 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I have a few dealbreakers for relationships:

    (1) I prefer to not date a smoker, although recreational use of a hookah isn’t a big deal to me. The smell of cigarettes gives me a headache. 

    (2) Cannot use the N-word under any circumstances. I live in the south and so unfortunately there is a lot of racism still here. I’ve dated a few men who toss that term around and was shocked and disgusted by it. 

    (3) Not into hunting. I’m a vegetarian and animal lover. 

    (4) Not religious OR understanding of my lack of religious beliefs. 

    (5) Must be an Independent or a Democrat. I don’t want to rear children or grow old with someone who doesn’t share my beliefs about human rights. 

    (6) He’s gotta be a smart guy. I can’t be with someone who says, “wow, you use a lot of big words!”

    (7) I like a man who takes care of himself- eats healthy, exercises a little, takes good care of his body in general. 

    (8) I like a man who is family oriented. One thing that I love so much about my Fiance is that he wanted to introduce me to his family right away. He also wanted to introduce himself to mine. 

    (9) Must love animals- I will always have pets.


    To be perfectly honest I just thought about some of the different reasons that I love my Fiance so much. Feelin’ like a winner. 

    Post # 105
    154 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Yes. I guess I’ve been with my amazing SO for so long now that I forget the kind of guys out there! I never even had to think about any of this with him. 

    Absolutely non-negotiable for me is having kids and getting married. Besides that I wouldn’t want anyone who’s doing or previously have done hard drugs (if he just did it once or twice I could live with it but if it had been a serious misuse I couldn’t). Hard drugs are so scary to me. He just would have to be an adult man basically. 

    Counting the number of friends in relationships with guys who don’t have jobs (or want jobs), love the xbox a little too much, are super bad with their money if they have any at all, etc etc. Am very happy with my SO! He’s perfect.

    Post # 106
    385 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2017 - Rossino Castle

    Before my marriage I was very young and I just took what the relationship and the person brought me.I accepted anything.Now,I do have a short list of things I won’t compromise on.

    -non religious

    -must want (and can have) children

    -non violent or abusive in any way,shape or form

    -not a cheater.To me,once a cheater,always a cheater.I would never be able to trust someone who cheated in the past.

    Everything else is not a dealbreaker to me.

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