Post # 16
TwinkleBoss: my brother is adopted.
Did he have a better life because we adopted him than if he had not been adopted? Yes, his biological mum could never have looked after him and it’s a hell of a lot better than care.
Do we all love him as if he was biologically related? Yes, we’ve had him since he was bornand wouldn’t have it any other way.
Was it more complicated than biological children? Yes, he is the only boy, the only adopted one and is in many ways quite different to us so the parenting challenges were different but there’s always that added complication of ensuring that he always felt loved and appreciated and knew beyond doubt that NONE of the differences in how he was raised had anything to do with being adopted or being loved less. This has led to him possibly being able to get away with stuff the rest of us may not have etc.
Should you tell a child they are adopted? ALWAYS. He has always know and it was celebrated (always a picture on the wall of the day it became official etc) but when he was about 5 an older cousin told him, my point being if he hadn’t known he would have found out because a lot of people knew. By telling him from birth he never had that crisis of finding out ‘he’d been lied to’, it was never a taboo subject so he could ask questions and deal with it as he aged and wanted to learn more and finally it always made it a positive thing about us wanting him rather than a negative secret thing.
What makes you feel selfish for contemplating adoption?
Post # 17
I was adopted, and I consider my parents to be Angels. I owe them my life, and I love them more than anything in the world. I was 3 years old when the adoption went through.
Post # 18
TwinkleBoss: I would love to adopt and always thought I would adopt when I was younger. Fiance doesn’t want to adopt unless we can’t have kids. His brother is adopted and it was actually a little messier than an at-birth adoption where the parents are completely out of the picture, so I think that may have tainted his view a little bit. If Fiance and I couldn’t have kids, we’d adopt in a heartbeat, but recognize it’s possibly going to be too expensive to do more than once.
I think if you have the means and you have the calling, you should totally adopt. However, I won’t look down on those who have the means to adopt but choose not you. You have the choice to put your family together anyway you’d like and I support all ways to make a family. I know many people who simply don’t want to adopt–they want their own children and I would never look down on them for having that viewpoint.
Post # 19
TwinkleBoss: I have heard stories like that, too, and they are heartbreaking. But what is the alternative — NOT adopting kids whose parents are dead or have given them up?
Post # 20
Dont you think there is an equal amout of anger and resentment in biological children? Most of us know families that have complicated relationships with their parents.
Another reason for all the bad stories – is well, people are more likely to complain than praise and thus those venting online seem to dominate? If one grew up as happy as can be are they going to go to forums and blogs and pour out their joy instead of anger and feeling blessed instead of damned?
I think there is an equal chance to mess up with own children if you think about it and what is the difference wether you gave birth to them or not.
I would def consider adoption in the future when we are settled. The world is full of sad and lonely people and I know somewhere there is a child waiting for me to take him/her out of their loneliness and to share all the love I have. I do not feel the need to give birth to my own child – somehow I feel that I can not bring another soul in this world while there is one out there that desperately needs me. I think Im going to cry. Sigh…
I am very much pro adoption as you could have guessed.
Post # 21
I was adopted at four months through Children’s Services, my sister was adopted at 22 months from Korea – I don’t know if my parents tried to conceive or not before deciding on adoption. However, they are the best, most awesome parents I could ever ask for. My personal opinion is that actually giving birth has sweet F* all to do with being a parent and I actually refuse to call the person who gave birth to me my ‘birth mother.’ All I know is that I’m very, very lucky!
Post # 22
The stories that you hear of adopted kids feeling lost are mostly dramatic. It’s the kind of thing you find on the internet because it’s a lot more interesting than “I’m adopted, my parents are wonderful, and everything is fine. I’m adopted, my brother is adopted, our parents are wonderful, and everything turned out fine.
My birth mom wrote a letter when she gave me up. I have never met her, but the letter made it pretty clear her reasoning. Was it a tough decision for her? Yes, it was. Was it the best decision she could have made given the circumstances? I believe and she believed the answer was yes. Her situation was not even that bad. She was just in college, didn’t have a job, and didn’t want to place the burden of supporting me on her parents for the length of time it would take for her to finish up school, get a job, get established. She felt it was better to give me the best possible out come by letting a family that was ready for a child raise me. I can’t say she was wrong, because things turned out very well for me.
My aunt also takes care of children in the foster care system. Hearing stories about their birth parents and their situation just makes me sad. Her last little girl’s father was given the choice between drugs or his daughter chose the drugs. Her mother used while she was pregnant, and she was born 3 months premie, and the mother left her at the hospital to continue using. That little girl is now happliy placed with a loving family. They still send my aunt post cards.
Post # 23
TwinkleBoss: I’m pro adoption.
Personally, I am a birthmother & my son was legally adopted by my aunt & uncle. I was young, still in college, and single faced with a decision. My decision was to give my son the best and most stable life he could have. I weighed my options the first trimester and in my second trimester began vetting families for open adoption. In the end, I chose my aunt & uncle because I already had a relationship with them and their daughter that I could continue through my son’s life.
Something that was and remains important to me is that we never hide anything from him. He has always known he was adopted and always known that I was his birthmother. We approach answers as the questions come up and address them at the comprehension level he’s had as he grows. When he was younger, I lived closer and could have visited much more often, but I always made sure to keep a level of contact that I’d be able to sustain throughout his life and as I grew older and married and had children for my own family. He’s 10 now, and he’s growing into such a wonderful boy.
As far as adopting myself, it has always been an option for me and something that my husband & I have communicated about. Our first hurdle of slight tension is over, since I am preganant, so the question of whether or not we have the ability to reproduce is off the table. If something healthwise should happen that prevents us from expanding our family further, then we are open to adoption. Part of me wants to adopt even if we don’t run into reproductive health issues.
Post # 24
I have no idea if I can conceive my own children or not, but I definitely plan on adopting. Making a life is an absolutely wonderful thing, but I see adoption as a way to save a life. I am very pro-adoption, but I can see that it is not for everyone.
Post # 25
Darling Husband and I both have a strong desire to adopt, whether we can physically have children or not. I have a post up on here from a month or so ago. You can read the responses there if you want.
Post # 26
Whenever you’re looking at things online, remember that you tend to get extremes and your tend to get more negative, simply because people with problems tend to go online for support or to share their story, which people who are perfectly happy just go on living their lives and you never hear from them.
I know several people who are adopted and none of them has ever expressed any concern about feeling like a pet or display piece. They have great families and parents. I think it’s typical to have some desire to know about biologic family or why they were put up for adoption, but these have not been a real “problem” for any of my friends/family that were adopted.
Post # 27
TwinkleBoss: I get what you’re saying, but what exactly is the alternative? If a childs biological parents don’t want it after it’s born, it will be put up for adoption; and personally, I see being adopted as better than growing up in a care home.
However, I think abortion is the best choice when a woman decides she doesn’t want to have a child; I will probably get flamed for that but I see it as preferable to adoption, from the child’s point of view, in the majority of cases.
Post # 28
Fiance and I would be open to adoption, and I would welcome an older child. It comes with its own set of challenges, but I think it would be worth it for me.
I do think it’s a bit ironic, however, when people seek out adoption to give a home to an infant that doesn’t have one. Reality is, there’s a wait list for healthy infants. Nothing wrong with wanting to adopt a newborn, but it’s not like that particular baby would have gone without a home.
Post # 29
barbie86: I would disagree. I know several adopted people, of all ages, and the vast majority are quite happy to be alive. It’s also important to remember that in the case of international adoption, abortion is not a choice for many. One adoptee I know was given up by a mother of many who couldn’t support another child due to extreme poverty. She certainly didn’t have access to medical procedures like abortion.
Post # 30
There are lots of people who hate their biological parents and had bad childhoods. Kids are not just taken from good, loving homes and put up for adoption- so what are you suggesting happens to the kids who have been abused and neglected and their parents’ rights revoked?