(Closed) What are your thoughts on adoption?

posted 5 years ago in Babies
Post # 46
Member
7002 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am pro adoption, and would opt that route if I couldn’t have my own. That being said, adoption in this country is a terrible terrible process and usually is very heartbreaking for many family. It’s an ugly truth that very rarely gets talked about.

I have friends who have been going through the proceess of trying to have kids for 10+ years, as well as many friends who work in social services system. My friends are two of the best and most qualified people I know, and yet it’s such a heartbreaking journey. They had a couple of failed private adoptions, where after paying all medical bills the birth-mother changed her mind. They decided to foster-to-adopt which is probably the biggest nightmare I would never wish upon anyone. 18 months with a child they had from infancy, then given to a random relative who came out of the woodworks after origionally saying they didn’t want the child – simply because they are blood. It’s insane. Our system is so flawed, it’s a disgrace. The children they have now I think will be a done deal – but it’s still probably going to be years before it’s finalized.

I am all for adoption, and my desire to have kids is strong enough that I would certainly go through the process if I find out I can’t have them. However, the thought of having to go through that process is not something that leaves a positive taste in my mouth. I hate to sound like such a downer because I do believe adoption is a wonderful thing – I just see a lot of the bad side of it.

Post # 47
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Truffle-hunter:  “I think it’s fraught quite frankly.”

There is no such thing as a perfect childhood or perfect parent, biological or adoptive. Many of these situations are “fraught.”

I know people whose biological parents have told them that they were “accidents” and even one mother who shared with her daughter the fact that she tried to make herself miscarry. Fraught. At least my adopted daughter knows she was wanted.

I grew up near a girl who was raised by her biological parents and sexually abused by the biological father. As an adult, she careened into drugs and prostitution. Died at an early age. Fraught.

I know a woman who was single, an alcoholic, and in an abusive relationship when she conceived her son. Deciding to keep the baby, she spent 15 years on welfare and became more and more miserable as her out-of-control son grew into an out-of-control teenager. Family services got involved and made her life even more miserable. She confided in me that she wished, in hindsight, that she had had an abortion. Fraught.

I became an adoptive mom by first being a foster mom. Being around the system, going to support group meetings, I learned of many children that were never adopted, but went from foster home to foster home. Fraught.

When I adopted my foster child, I knew that the situation would be fraught. She was old enough to remember her biological parents. I did it anyway. Family services helped prepare me.

Biological or adoptive, child-parent relationships can be fraught with problems, they can go wonderfully, or for most of us, be somewhere in betwen.

You said you would have to be sure the relationship with bio parents was beyond repair before considering foster adoption. Actually, I began foster parenting with a lot of antipathy toward Family Services, since I can think of nothing more serious than the state deciding to take a child away from parents. Now, however, I have seen the damage done to children who were returned to biological families only to be further abused. I wish many of these kids were freed for adoption sooner.

You are right. Adoptive parents are not saints. Raising my daughter has been the best experience of my life. I do not see it as a sacrifice, but as something I wanted to do and love doing. But I will telll you that I spent two years taking care of her without knowing if she would stay with me. That is very difficult and one of the reasons many people do not become foster parents. We have no legal standing and no say in the decision to terminate parental rights. I was literally told that there might not even be a good-bye; they might pick her up at school and take her back to her bio home if a judge ruled for the bio parents.

There is a degree of selflessness to any parenting, adoptive or biological. Often the “appreciation” from the kids will not come until years later when they have kids of their own.

 

Post # 48
Member
1289 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

TwinkleBoss:  I didn’t read all the replies but I have to say im all for adoption! I tell Fiance all the time that we are having one and adopting one. I think there is nothing better than to bring a child into your home and show them love. If you are going through the process now, best of luck! 

Post # 49
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

j_jaye:  You pointed out some real problems with intercountry adoption. Still, there are many legitimate agencies that are aware of these problems and run legitimate programs. Potential parents need to investigate.

I do not think we can solve all of the problems in other countries with trade sanctions or any other means. Daughters are discarded in China due to a one-child rule, strong preference for a male child, etc., extreme measures to control overpopulation. Without adoption, many of these girls would have spent their lives in orphanages. 

Of course, the ideal is that they would be raised in loving homes in their own countries. As Nietsche said, do not let the “perfect” be the enemy of the “good.”

People should know more about sex tours and human trafficking. I agree. But there are plenty of children here in the U.S. sexually abused by biological parents or by people who adopt/foster. It is not just an issue with international adoption. 

Post # 50
Member
8482 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

I dont understand how anything could think that adoption is a bad thing. You’re taking a child without a home, and giving them a loving family. What’s bad about that?

TwinkleBoss:  I’ve got several friends that were adopted, and none of them have ever had a longing to meet their biological parents. They’ve thought about it in passing, but its not a need that’s stuck with them. 

One of my friends that is adopted also has 4 other adopted sibling, and their mom has fostered at least 20 kids over the years. I dont think any of her siblings have ever regretting being adopted either. 

Post # 51
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Carolsays:  I agree that there are children mistreated in the Western systems but these system are currently 100% better than most of the one’s run in developing countries. It is not only the agencies in these countries that have shady practices but also the government bodies that deal with the agencies. 

And I disagree, pressuring other governments to work on their human rights violations is exactly what countries like the USA should do. Rather than turning a blind eye and trading with these countries they should impose sanctions. I mean Cuba still has sanctions but of course they don’t have anything that the US wants. Yet China that not only restricts human reproduction rights but other personal freedoms gets away with it because of the materialistic consumerism driven US. 

I am sorry but anytime someone has to pay thousands of dollars to purchase another human being that is human trafficking. The costs of adoption whether it be intra or inter country are well over the actual financial costs to place a child in a loving home. It is a business which preys on children and potential parents. This is especially true in developing countries. It was one of the most depressing and distressing things I witnessed during my time as an aide worker. 

Post # 52
Member
437 posts
Helper bee

My birth mother was a young teenager when I was born. She could have easily chosen abortion, but luckily she decided to give the gift of parenting to my mom and dad.  I have a really hard time with people who say abortion is a better choice – many birth mothers are amazingly selfless and deserve so much more credit than they’re given. 

Post # 53
Member
11746 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think it’s a great system when it works as intended and for those who need it, but it’s not right for our family in any way (Eg I would not give a baby up for adoption if I didn’t want to carry a pregnancy, nor would we adopt.)

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  .
Post # 54
Member
980 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

TwinkleBoss:  

If I couldn’t have had children I would have adopted, it is the loveliest thing you can do, to take a child that is not wanted/given up for whatever reason and give it stability and a loving home.

 

Post # 55
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am totally pro adoption, and not JUST if I can’t have my own. We want to adopt anyway even if we can. I’ve seen soooo many families (that I know personally) who have had their own kids and adopted kids and its such a beautiful thing to see kids (or now adults!) who have grown up with this life they never would have had. Sure adoption is a sh*tty thing sometimes because every adopted child has been “given up” in some way, even if done out of love. But still, I think bring on the adoption. I think one of the main problems in the system is everyone wants a perfect baby. If more people were happy to take toddlers/older children, there wouldn’t be so many kids left hanging. I know that adds a lot of other stresses to the situation, but it is sad so many people just want babies and will only adopt if they can’t have their own.

Post # 56
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

TwinkleBoss:  I think it’s great that you’re questioning adoption. We should all learn to do more research instead of automatically believing the party line. I wish that I were surprised at the number of replies that are shocked at your uncertainty: “adoption is wonderful! How could you be against something so good?”

My opinion will not be a popular one, but I cannot click on without providing an opposing viewpoint. The adoption process is very flawed, and I would not feel comfortable being a part of it the way it is now. The concept of giving homeless children a home with loving parents is a good one, but that is not the reality of most adoptions. I don’t have statistics, but it’s obvious from the long wait times that adoption is fuelled by childless couples that want a baby. There aren’t enough babies to supply the demand.

Mothers of a certain age and/or social status are pressured into giving their babies up for adoption, and are told that they’re being selfless; that their baby will have a better life. What kind of a thing is that to say to a woman at a very vulnerable time? That she isn’t good enough for her child? That just because someone else has more money, or is part of a couple, that they would make better parents?

In many cases, these women have their children taken from them while they’re still in the hospital, recovering and having drugs pumped into them. They’re given little to no time to change their minds on a life-altering decision (less time than you get to return a purse!).

This pressure comes from their families, from planned parenthood (and other similar organizations), and from society in general. How about instead of telling someone that she’s not good enough, we as a society find a way to help her? The costs of the adoption agencies could be put to better use in programs to help young mothers.

For those considering adoption, maybe look into adopting an older child, or look into fostering? I’m not saying that there’s a perfect solution, but I wish that people would question the norm more often instead of believing everything they’re told.

Post # 57
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

LadyStitcher:  You are SO right, and basically echo what I was trying to say. Too many people want babies. There are lots of children out there too

Post # 58
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

LadyStitcher:  this is the first time I’ve heard anyone accuse Planned Parenthood of pressuring women into adoption. Planned Parenthood is vilified by the anti-abortion movement and the right for discouraging adoption and promoting abortion.  I’m curious about the source of your accusation? 

Post # 59
Member
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo

TwinkleBoss:  Here’s a weird one: I know a couple (close friends of my husband’s) who believe that it is immoral to have a biological child. They firmly believe that since there are so many children worldwide who are in orphanages or foster care, people who want children should adopt, not have a biological child. I won’t endorse that view–personally I think people need to be able to make the best decisions for their families–but that’s how they feel. (They’ve also gotten rather sh*tty with other friends who had a planned baby after an unplanned pregnancy about it, which is definitely not cool at all.) I say this because you will always find someone to agree or disagree with you if you look hard enough, I think you need to do what you feel is right for you and your Darling Husband.

Post # 60
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t currently have any children and I don’t feel ready to, but I am working full time as a nanny for a child with behavioral issues. I really want to be a mother, and I’m aware that in some ways this is a selfish urge. But I truly believe that I’m capable of raising children who will be happy and assets to the world. When it comes to family, ethics are tricky. I really want to have biological children. I know I would always do my best for any children I raise, even if they have special needs so severe that they’ll never be verbal or capable of learning sign language. I also really want to adopt. But I don’t know if I’d be willing to adopt a child with that same level of special needs. Or risk coming to love a foster child and then losing him or her. All I know is that when my Darling Husband and I feel ready to have children, that we will seek to do so ethically, and any children we raise will be loved and supported.

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