Post # 1
Hear me out. I had a discussion about this with my close girlfriends.
You and your bf are flying to Hawaii to attend your friend’s destination wedding. You are attending as a guest, not as part of the bridal party. The wedding festivities include a welcome event the day before the wedding and the wedding itself. Your bf’s birthday is a couple of days before the wedding so you’re going to make a vacation out of it. You are flying that far to such a great place, why not enjoy yourselves?
Question is: do you think it’s ok for your bf to propose to you as long as you don’t announce it to anyone while there and as long as you don’t wear your ring to the wedding festivities (and any other activities with friends)? Or is that absolutely taboo?
What if the situation was one of your girlfriends? What what would you tell her?
What if it was someone you don’t even know?
Be honest on how judgey you’d be in each case.
I am asking you to consider different perspectives because a lot of people may think differently about the situation depending on if they are on the inside looking out or vice versa.
My thoughts are firm: it’s totally ok as long as the engagement isn’t announced while there and the ring isn’t worn at the wedding festivities or around friends while there. My reasoning is because although the wedding prompted the travel to Hawaii, the wedding itself doesn’t own the entire trip. The couple paid their own way to Hawaii and are making a well-deserved vacation out of it so they deserve to have a say in what they do while they are there outside of the wedding festivities. They would have eventually gone to Hawaii anyway but the plans got pushed to sooner rather than later because of the wedding.
Please vote and state your reasoning as to why you voted the way you did.
Post # 2
As long as they don’t do it at the actual wedding events then it is no one’s business. I also disagree with you on not wearing the ring. There will be plenty of people at the wedding with news, whether that be an engagement, a new job or a baby. It does not diminish anything about the wedding if someone notices an engagement ring on someone else’s finger and asks about.
So as long as they don’t grab the mic during speeches to announce it to everyone then I don’t understand why anyone would have an issue with it.
Post # 3
agree with PP,
this is fine as long as there is no big flashy show and tell at the wedding festivities, not to ‘take away from the bride’ and it’s just tacky.
WEAR THE RING WITH PRIDE and if anyone asks exclaim YES, we’re engaged!
Post # 4
2cents : 100% get engaged
Just not actually at the wedding, lol. I would lose my shit if someone did it at mine, like OH HEY I TOTALLY PAID $175 PER HEAD FOR PEOPLE TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
2cents : As so many Bees are fond of saying “you get one day”
Which means, any time on this trip you are NOT AT THE ACTUAL WEDDING, is your time to use as you please. Get engaged. Climb a volcano. Go crazy.
The whole conversation around stealing thunder comes from a famine consciousness. It implies there’s a finite amount of joy to go around and you better not try to hog someone else’s. This is fundamentally flawed logic and horse puckey, to boot.
Just like it would be rude to hijack someone’s birthday party to talk about the party you’re planning for yourself, it would be rude to make a splashy announcement about your engagement at a wedding.
Apart from that? There’s no breech in manners to simply BE ENGAGED at someone else’s wedding. Not to wear the ring. Not to answer questions should they come up (they probably won’t; people are focusing on the newlyweds). As long as you aren’t grabbing the mic to shout your news to the gathered assembly, it’s a non-issue.
Go to Hawaii. Get engaged. Enjoy the experience. Don’t fret about the rest.
Post # 6
Get engaged AFTER the wedding while still in Hawaii! There’s no need to hide it and not tell anyone at the wedding or not wear the ring if it hasn’t happened yet. Enjoy the welcome day, enjoy the wedding and voila get engaged at sunrise the next day with a walk on the beach or something.
I think it’s weird to do it before and hide it, you are going to tell people eventually and they are going to ask when and where and they’ll know you hid it and if you wear the ring people will figure it out at the wedding and be congratulating you and wether you meant to or not it will be a topic of discussion and depending on other people’s reactions might not go well. For instance MOB finds out or bridesmaid and is drunk and thinks it’s tacky and tells everyone. Also I know the day after I got engaged there was no hiding it. I was glowing.
When it happens you deserve to be able to share your joy and radiate happiness and not be worrying about others.
Destination wedding arnt usually big events with 300 people where no one will notice you. They are usually small and intimate and getting engaged the day before or earlier in the day would definitely be notice and if I was the bride I’d be pissed! Give me my one day! Can’t you wait a few hours!
Post # 7
elodie2019 : that’s what I was thinking. It would be ideal to do it after the wedding
Post # 8
Agreed that after all the wedding festivities are over (at least a day after the wedding ceremony) would be ideal for everyone involved (the bride and groom, their guests and even you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend since you wouldn’t have to “hide” anything). But if it is done very discretely beforehand and is not announced/discussed with anyone until at least a day after the wedding ceremony, then I see no problem with it. It is not uncommon to announce an egagement a while actaully it takes place, but if you don’t think you will be able to contain your excitement, just do it after.
Post # 9
elodie2019 : I agree! I would have no problem getting engaged AFTER the actual wedding day and you could still enjoy the excitement in Hawaii. While I agree that the couple only gets one day, I would personally have felt uncomfortable trying to hide my engagement.
Post # 10
I think it’s absurd to not wear the ring or tell anyone that you got engaged. What if you get engaged five days before at home instead of three days before in Hawaii? Two weeks before? Are you still not allowed to wear the ring or tell anyone?
As long as you don’t get engaged at the actual wedding, and as long you don’t make a speech at the reception to “announce it”, you absolutely don’t have to postpone your joy because someone else might be salty about it. That person was wouldn’t be worth your time anyways.
Post # 11
2cents : I think you are ok in your reasoning. Bee’s on here will tell you that you can wear your ring proudly and tell people at the wedding because sure technically yeah you could. But should you is an entirely different question. I would say your instinct to not wear the ring at their wedding,and then announce after attending the actual wedding is a good idea. It shows you have respect for the couples moment and you can’t go wrong with showing some extra kindness in that situation. Better safe than sorry.
However, would you consider adding your extra vacation days on the other side of the wedding? Why not set it up so you attend the wedding then stay for vacation afterwards and then you are free and clear to get engaged and be excited and not have to hide it. Sure it won’t be ON your boyfriends birthday but does that really matter? Id personally rather do that so that my vacation time felt truly mine with the wedding day being over already. Just a thought.
Post # 12
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
My personal feeling on this is go ahead, get engaged, even wear the ring! Just save the announcements until after the wedding.
I don’t believe in the whole “thunder stealing” concept, because the vast majority of people do not have a limited amount of happiness to share with people. But I still don’t think it’s in very good taste to go around bragging to everyone and shoving the ring in their faces at someone else’s wedding. That doesn’t mean you can’t wear the ring, because most people aren’t going to be paying attention to if you have a ring on that finger. Just do your thing, go to the wedding and celebrate the couple like usual, then start gushing after the wedding is over.
Post # 13
Personally, I think that waiting until after would be a much better option, but ultimately, as long as you don’t do it at the wedding, I think you are ok. It is your vacation afterall.
Post # 14
2cents : Absolutely!
As long as the proposal doesnt occur during a wedding event and that you dont make a big announcement at the events either.
It is YOUR vacation, as well!
Post # 15
I wouldn’t want to be proposed to at someone’s wedding events but if I were to get engaged before or after I would darn sure wear my ring. I wouldn’t announce it though.