Post # 1
I have a question, ladies. I am single and found these boards because of a friend’s wedding.
I have the hardest time fully trusting men, and really people in general. When i find something out that is undesirable about someone I am interested in I have a hard time not writing them off.
I was wondering how you all have handled undesirable qualities before and during a relationship. I can give you a more concrete example, but i would like to see what you guys say first.
Also, in general what would you say is your biggest problem with your SO?
This doesnt have to be entirely serious and can be somewhat fun. I just need some therapy from the internet!
Post # 3
Well I would sit down and make a list of all the things that would make you write off a potential so. Then I would rank them from complete deal breakers (my example: hurting an animal) to something that’s annoying but you can deal with ( again my example: being allergic to cats, dogs, ferrets, everything)
My deal breakers were : hurting animals, no ambition, disrespect of me/ parents, abuse, cheating, paying attention to me OLNY when it was convenient for him, placing things ( small things like video games) above me, name calling, treatig me like a maid or sex toyessentially anything like or that my ex did/ does ( me? Bitter? Nooooooo.mabey a little)
Things that annoy me: aformented allergies, inability to correctly do the dishes, study/work obsessions/ compulsions ( fi really can’t help it) repeat the same story over and over, some social anxiey. Anxiety in general ( COULD become a deal breaker but he is getting help now 🙂 )
I would also make a list of things that you want in a man, and rank them from most important to least important and then of the most important, which ones can be compromised on.
Post # 4
@imalittlebirdie: Well I would sit down and make a list of all the things that would make you write off a potential so. Then I would rank them from complete deal breakers (my example: hurting an animal) to something that’s annoying but you can deal with ( again my example: being allergic to cats, dogs, ferrets, everything)
OP….also, take a good hard look at yourself and think about what qualities about you might make you “undesirable” to others. There is a difference between knowing your absolute dealbreakers(ex: smokers, someone with kids, someone not of your faith, etc, etc) and having unrealistic expectations in a guy.
Post # 5
@nursemel: Wait, why am I making a list about myself?? I don’t know where you ever got that I have ‘unrealistic expectations’.
@imalittlebirdie: It’s so hard. There are some things that I know I can’t do because I fundimentally disagree with them (For example, hurting animals,strong religion, racism)
But there are some things where I think I miiiight see problems down the road.
I didn’t want ‘specific advice’ per say, but…
There’s a guy I’m interested in who I think might be ‘too social’? I have heard things about his past relationships. I think he’s the kind of guy who is sincere while he’s with someone. I also think it’s really easy for women to fall for him, and maybe a little bit the other way around?
is it a bad sign if none of his exs will talk to him? I’m getting such a weird vibe from people, but don’t want to fish.
I just don’t know when you’re supposed to ignore things like that and proceed anyway.
Post # 6
I tolerate my SO being very defensive about most things.
Hes insecure from a horrible mother and it manifests in strange and annoying ways.
Post # 7
I tolerate his awful need for instant gratification, desire to constantly be in control, and short fuse. It has become more evident to me now than ever with the house buying process. I would not tolerate any of this if it was affected me directly (telling me what to wear/what to do). It was quite comical to see him erupt when the mortgage broker pissed him off.
Oh, and also how he always thinks he’s right about everything. BUt Im pretty sure thats just part of the Y chromosome.
Post # 8
@MASPA: Yeah, the knowitallness doesn’t even get mentioned around here, is like him having chest hair.
Post # 9
@Baimee: Well that is actually good advice that a pp gave. The you list I mean. Like things about me that I do, but might be a problem for a so. Example: I’m hot headed, stubborn, sarcastic, and Impulsive, and have some commitment issues ( I am NOT a normal person, fi asked me to go look at e rings, and I freaked out and ran out of the store. Llttararly RAN.)
All of these are potential deal breakers/ annoyances for a portenial So , and lucky for me he found my flightyness cute. ( hes known me for 8 years, he thinks its fun to hit the ” panic!!!!!” button on me lol)
But knowing these aspects of my personality helps me mitigate some of it. Like me being hot headed, yes while it’s part of my personality, I can tweak it and work On it so that it dosent adversely affect my relationship.
Dont take offense to the “unrealistic expectations” we all have them and do not even realize we do. I knew my so for 8 years prior to us dating, we were best friends! When we began dateing I leaned that the mr birdie that I thought I knew and the mr birdie that was, were two entirely different people. Same with mr birdies perception of me.
I don’tunderstand what you mean by too social?
I wouldn’t worry about the exes not speaking to him. That’s a good thing, unless he’s secretly a total asshole, in a relaionship , but that’s not something you would know unless you dated him.
Post # 10
My fiance smokes cigars. EW. But, he doesn’t do it in the house or anything.
Post # 11
I tolerate SuperFine cleaning up after me all the time.
It’s not enough that he does laundry and cuts not only our grass, but my widowed sister’s grass too, along with working his ass off on other projects.
Sometimes after cooking a big meal, I just want the fucking dishes to soak in the sink overnight, but no, he’ll go in the kitchen and do the dishes after I go to bed. Sometimes that son of a bitch will even wipe down the counters and stove. Can you imagine what I suffer through?
Obviously, this is all facetious and my point is, I love him for who he is and I honestly don’t consider any of his “bad” habits” as something I have to tolerate.
Post # 12
@Paigey: Is SuperFine available for hire or does he mostly like to do volunteer work? My fiance claimed that he couldn’t find the “permanent press” cycle on the washing machine lol.
Its true…make a list of things that are absolutely non compromisable. Be totally honest with yourself and decide what are major things (trustworthy, similar religious beliefs, good sense of humor, etc) and what are petty issues (keeps his toenails trimmed, has smelly farts). When you find someone who doesn’t cause you to compromise on your major convictions….you’ll find the petty things don’t really matter, even if they do have the ability to clear a room on demand.
If I thought someone was sketchy from the start? Game over…the only vibes you should be getting from this guy are that he’s into you, and others should be telling you what a great guy he is if they think you’re interested. If people who know him aren’t gushing about how awesome he is, why bother?
Post # 13
To be honest, I don’t have a single thing to complain about when it comes to my SO. He’s wonderfully thoughtful, a hard worker, and a good person. He’s not perfect, and neither am I, but I seriously struggle with complaining about him. There’s nothing to complain about. I will say that he questions himself a lot and it’s easy to make him doubt himself, but I can’t complain about that…I just wish he could see how great of a person he is.
In the past when I’ve dated guys, I would focus so much on their negative qualities simply because I was just not happy. I’d get this sick feeling in my stomach and I’d KNOW I was “settling” by being with them. I’d have SO much bad to say about them…about how they could be better. That was my sign.
Post # 14
I don’t know if I would call them bad, but FI thinks he never has to bring anything when we go somewhere (ex. bottle of wine, food). Also he turns into a total douche if he is hungry or misses his afternoon coffee.
After a few years of being with him I realized the easiest way to deal with him is to bring a hostess gift myself when we go somewhere and make sure he eats and drinks coffee by 4pm. By now I can tell when he is on the edge..
No one is perfect, but as you get to know someone you figure out how to deal with their nonsense.
Post # 15
I’m with each of you. I have nothing to complain about when it comes to my FI. He’s amazing and I completely love and adore him.
OP: I agree with PP’s that if you’re getting bad vibes already you should trust your instincts and stay away from this guy.
Post # 16
I think that you live and learn. As you get more experience w. relationships, you learn pretty fast what you can and can’t put up with. I did waaaaay too much/put up with too much from my ex – that was a 5 year on/off disaster. I learned that his behavior was not acceptable, and what I find a dealbreaker vs. what is simply a small annoyance. For example, he was in debt and had no desire to pay it off. He lacked ambition as well. He was mean spirited. I was sucked in by the bad boy charm!
In my current relationship (and hopefully we’ll be engaged soon) I don’t have to deal w. any of those big issues. He has a great career. He saves money. He is kind and considerate. Sure, it annoys me sometimes how he is a morning person and I am not… or how he is very anal about being on time (which in some ways is good), but the good far outweighs the bad and I can see a future with him. Anyone you spend a lot of time with will annoy you from time to time, but there’s only so much you can put up with. It sounds easy to think you have it all figured out.. but until you’re in the situation you might not know. I say go with your gut… if something feels “off” early on in a relationship, and that feeling doesn’t go away, then why continue it?