(Closed) What can a bride ask you to alter for her wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Would you ask a bridesmaid to tan?
    Yes, I am paying for pictures and everyone needs to be beach brown in the late fall. : (3 votes)
    1 %
    Yes, I would ask but not be mad if she refused, I just want my friend to help me celebrate my day. : (14 votes)
    4 %
    No, I want everyone to be comfortable and to look like themselves that day : (279 votes)
    76 %
    No, back out of that wedding now, she's going to be even crazier closer to the wedding date!!! : (71 votes)
    19 %
  • Post # 46
    2505 posts
    Sugar bee


    Orchid71:  I consider myself a reasonable bridesmaid. I expect that I’ll wear the dress the bride wants in whatever color she wants assuming it doesn’t completely go against average morals (i.e. no butt cheeks hanging out). I expect that I’ll be wearing the shoes and jewelry she picks and have my hair done the way she wants (styled, not cutting or coloring) and that’s all fine.

    But I would DEFINITELY draw the line at tanning. I’m quite pale and (so far) all of the brides I’ve been a maid for haven’t cared the least bit that I practically glow in their pics lol. Tanning is something I refuse to do, not just for the health reasons (which should be enough!) but I don’t like the way it looks on me and I love my pale skin.

    If she asked me to tan I’d politely decline, if she pushed it I’d laugh at her and tell her she’s ridiculous.

    Post # 47
    85 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2016


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    Orchid71:  Although a wedding is a wonderful and exciting time for a bring and althoug I understand wanting everything to be perfect I can’t help but feel like expecting someone to tan is just as crazy as asking them to dye their hair or wear contacts. A bride should choose her bridal party because of what they mean to her and the relationship they share, they shouldn’t be selected as accessories for the wedding. I can understand wearing a bridesmaid dress you hate if the bride loves it, but not altering yourself.

    Anywho, if worse comes to worst you can always try one of those temporary self-tanning lotions (just a thought).

    Best of luck to you.

    Post # 47
    1328 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2014


    View original reply
    Orchid71:  Oh wow, this girl really sounds out of control.  Based on everything you’ve said it sounds like she’s way more concerned with having matching little dolls in her pictures than having her friends there to celebrate with her. 

    You should stick to your guns.  She can either kick you out of the wedding party because you’re pale (and sound insane when she trys to explain that to people), or she can get over it.

    Post # 49
    1427 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010 - parent\'s backyard

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    Orchid71:  I used Diorskin Airflash spray foundation. it was super expensive — $62, but the upside is that it really does not come off on clothes unless you rub really hard. I made the mistake of putting my spanx on after, and I needed to do a touch up. but it didn’t come off on my white dress. 

    anyway, that was years ago and there were fewer options. I couldn’t use sally hansen because they didn’t have one pale enough for me, LOL! but if you like their colors, I have heard really good things about that product. they also have a lotion too, in better colors IMO. you don’t need it to be a spray to work well, a big foundation brush or your hands will probably work just as good. 

    Post # 51
    1065 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I think it is ridiculous for her to request that you get a natural tan, but IMO spray tan is a part of the makeup/hair routine and she should be picking up the tab, but I would get one done if I was you.  I’m from Australia and here everyone is tanned obsessed, so I think it would just come with the territory here.  A Bridesmaid or Best Man refusing to wear a spray tan would be the equivalant of a Bridesmaid or Best Man refusing to wear makeup/get their hair done.


    Post # 52
    118 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    Yeah, I would back out now if she is not ok with you not wanting to tan even after you explained your reasoning (which is more than I feel you are “required” to do). She is 8ish months out? Good luck this fall. 

    Our bridal party is so varied physically and I love it, because that is how my friends are. I want them all to feel like themselves at our wedding. I didn’t pick them to stage photos; I picked them because they are the people who are important to me. 

    Side note: I am super pale, and go from super pale to red back to slightly less pale, and that’s about it. The chemicals in spray tan also freak me out a bit, so that would be a no go in my book. The fact that she is upset about it is a big red flag. 

    Post # 53
    177 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

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    Orchid71:  Wow that chick sounds like an absolute asshole.  What does it matter if you aren’t tan!?  This is the most preposterous thing I have ever heard.

    Post # 54
    8 posts

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    Orchid71:  I don’t know if you have this brand in the us (I’m assuming your in America, apologies if im wrong) but try st moritz foam if you decide to tan. It’s a Uk product it’s really cheap to buy, easy to apply and actually looks natural. I am a white/pink natural tone and this is the only fake tan that doesn’t make me look like an umpa lumpa wannabe 

    Post # 55
    9112 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    From what you have written, between wanting matching skin tones and grumbling over people ttc, I would back out now. This site has proven again and again that brides who show these traits don’t get better as the wedding gets closer. Do yourself a favour and drop out, grab some popcorn and watch the fireworks from the sidelines. 

    Post # 56
    679 posts
    Busy bee

    I’d go as far as to maybe wear some jewelry or a dress that I wasn’t too fond of for a friend’s wedding, but to tan for her…absolutely not. I had a skin cancer scare myself and I absolutely will not put myself at more risk than I already am. Stick to your guns, OP. Tell her no way and if she presses for it again, lay down teh law. Tell her that you’ll gladly back out if that’s what she so desires in a bm. 

    Post # 57
    1723 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014


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    Orchid71:  No…you are not being a bad friend at all.  No offense to your friend but IMO, she’s the one who’s in the wrong.  I can’t imagine asking any of my girls to change anything about them for my wedding.  I’ve seen threads where the brides don’t like the BM’s tattoos, or bright hair color, ect, ect…I mean, to each their own…but the thought of that (or trying to tell people they need to tan) IMO is so rude.  You know what these people look like before hand and you’re obviously fine with it.  Why do they need to change to fit into your bridal party?! 

    Post # 58
    2479 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    No. There’s no way I’d either risk skin cancer on a tanning bed or cover myself in chemicals because the bride has mistaken her bridesmaids for a photographic accessory.

    You are not the unreasonable one here and that’s for sure! 

    Post # 59
    2514 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

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    Orchid71:  I’m just curious (I don’t condone her behaviour at all) but what ‘look’ of girl do you think she’s befriending? 

    It’s morbid curiousity at its best.  I do know of a girl who only picked 5’6 thin (size 6 or smaller) blonde bridesmaids.  Her closest ‘friends’ weren’t even asked.  But she asked some random people we’re both loosely acquainted with.  (Many declined.)  She also refused to let her new husband have anyone in the wedding party who couldn’t wear their dress uniform (she married a cop.)  No suits!  The funniest part is that she’s not a 5’6, size 6.  So I have no idea why her bridal party had to be! 

    Post # 60
    1863 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I’m continuously amazed when I read on here the things some brides are asking their bridesmaids to do. Wow. Tell, her NO, you’re not tanning, regardless of whether she pays for it or not. 

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