(Closed) What can a friend say to save a marriage?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Just 2 days ago, I heard almost the same story about a friend of a friend who’s been married for a little over a year and now he wants out.  He also said that this is not what he signed up for.  They bought a house and just had a baby together.  I think being pregnant or being new parents is very tough.  Your friend’s husband is probably going through a pre-midlife crisis, feeling like his life is wasting away so fast.  If he can’t handle the stress being married for less than a year, what makes you think he can handle it once the baby is born. 

I’d recommend marriage counseling, but I seriously do not think it is going to work.  He basically already made up his mind.  Now he will only see the negative things in being married.  He won’t be able to see the good things to even try and work it out.  Your friend now needs the support of her family and friends, but other than that, I am not sure this marriage can be saved.  It takes a lot of hard work to make it work and even if your friend wanted to try to make it work, it will all be in vain if he doesn’t even care to try.

What you can do as a friend is to be there for her and hear what she has to say.  Ask if she and her husband would want to try counseling before calling it quits.  

Post # 4
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

I strongly recommend that book Bee mentioned, the Divorce Remedy.  It completely reshaped my perspective on divorce.  I think we may be reading it as the first book in our upcoming Weddingbee Book Club!

Post # 5
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

It sounds like it doesn’t matter if your friend wants the divorce- her husband does.

So I don’t know that talking to your friend will help- she did want to work it out and he doesn’t.

Frankly- he sounds like an ass.  She didn’t hold a gun to his head and make him sign the mortgage papers, and she certainly didn’t impregnate herself!

So I think unless the husband is willing to work things out, there’s nothing you can do to change that by talking to your friend.

Honestly, if with in the first 8 months of marriage I found out that my husband was the kind of guy who would bail on his pregnant wife, leaving her to pay a mortgage or be out on the street- I wouldn’t want to stay married to him.  He’s trying to abondon his wife and child!  Why would encourage her to stay with him? 

I would stay out of it and just support her decision.  If you push her to stay with him and then years later he pulls the same stuff and leaves her with 2 kinds- how would you feel?

Post # 6
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

May I recommend a site?  Marriagebulders.com  I have read on there before and I love the books written by Dr. Harley.  They have marriagebuilder counselors all over the country and these counselors are PRO marriage and their emphasis is on helping couples fall in love and STAY in love.

They are having a baby.  THIS MARRIAGE is worth a shot!  The warning signs from the husband are wierd though.  If you marry, most couples will want a child.  They probably knew that.  Most married couples at some time wish to buy a house.  They probably knew that they’d do that too. 

Now I’ll say I understand, going from bachelor to married dude to instant daddy with a mortgage might NOT be romantic, IT IS REAL LIFE.

I’ll have to be honest.  It is hard.  But doable for many, many couples.  Is/was this guy the faithful, loving, supportive boyfriend BEFORE they married or was he somewhat immature or selfish?

Kudos to your friend for trying to work this out.  I feel if he bails on this marriage, and yes, bails on his child before even TRYING to work it out, he will regret this decision FOREVER.  

Please send them over to that site, help them find a good PRO MARRIAGE counselor and know I’m wishing the best to them.   

Post # 7
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I would just let them both know that you are there for them and you support them in their decisions, and then refer them to some couples counselling.  I’d also caution you to stay really neutral and never say anything negative about one to the other.  I’ve seen too many situations where the friend ends up as the bad guy!

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